39 and holding

Today I turn 39. Not the milestone like next year will be, but let's just say this day is unforgettable.

Huber Winery and Farms

Monday I went with a girlfriend of mine to Huber Winery and Farms in Sellersburg, IN. We had so much fun picking out our pumpkins with our girls, getting a huge homemade cookie to eat, tasting wine, and more. They have a couple of award-winning wines. I tasted eight of their wines and really didn't have one that stuck out as undesirable. Take a little trip and stop by there! You won't be disappointed!

I Fall for Fall Break

October is my favorite month. The leaves change colors, the wind picks up, and the temperatures drop. Wearing shorts with a sweatshirt is my favorite way to spend the day. I've gotten all that and more this October already. Today I will extend my happiness to inlcude Huber Winery where I will taste wine, venture out into the pumpkin patch and pick out a perfect one. We will then bring out pumpkins home and paint our intials on them to display on the porch. No carving for this mama! The girls have grown out of that stage.
My birthday is also this month. This weekend, to be exact. I really don't want to turn another year older, one more year away from forty. But I'm doing my best to face it, and get over it. I, however, need a huge life change in the next year. I need to crawl out from behind the mask and face the music. I need to see what the world outside my little circle is like. I need different surroundings. I'm not lacking motivation; it's the frightening part of change I'm worried about. So, let's start with today. I'll take my girls and go with my bestie to see the beautiful winery and bring home our artistic muses.

Tooth and Nail

Here goes: if a person doesn't eat healthy, their teeth will crumble with cavities. I have a daughter that's living proof of that. Dental visit today. Not good. I'm overwhelmed.

Basic Training

I am in training/seminar today and tomorrow called Bridges Out of Poverty. It is eye-opening. Look it up.

Who Says Nothing Lasts Forever?

I think I will forever love John Mayer's music. I'm just sayin'.

Who Says?

Who says you can't eat chili when it's warm outside? Does that mean Skyline is only open during the winter months? No, didn't think so. Chili is good any time!

She's a Big Girl Now

My daughter is officially out on her own now. It's difficult not knowing what she's doing. I don't want to call her all the time; I want her to feel like she's independent. But, what I want to do is know how she likes college, if she's getting along with her roommates, what she's eating for dinner (if she's eating!), and if she's getting enough sleep. I don't want to bother her, though.
I'm trying not to be a helicopter parent. I just hope she wants me to know things and that she tells me at her own pace. I guess even when you're kids grow up, you never feel like they're really adults. They'll always be children.

Send-off

In just four short days I will be taking my eldest and dropping her off at college. I'm nervous, yet excited. I hope move in day goes well. I hope we get her settled in with all of her belongings and then some. We'll have to make a Target run once we get there and see what we have left to get. I already know of a few things. Plus, we'll need to go to the grocery store to stock up on a few essentials so that she doesn't starve to death in the first week. I only pray my checking account can handle it all!

Kick It!

I used to despise soccer. I thought it was the dumbest sport imaginable. I thought, why play a sport where all you do is chase after a ball and end up running like a hundred miles each game? Now, my mind is forever changed. I love it! Ever since my daughter started playing goalie last year, I enjoy watching it live or on tv.
So tonight I looked up the IU Men's Soccer schedule and started planning to see which games we could go to - we love trekking to B'town and watching them play. My daughter and I really want to attend as many games as we can. So I think the first one we are going to is Sunday, Sept. 1 - Labor Day Weekend. I simply cannot wait!

back to school, back to school

Today was the first student day of the year. To put it mildly, this may be an out-of-control year. My students just seemed abuzz with energy. They don't know how to whisper or use "indoor voices". Now, since they are eighth graders, you'd think they have been taught that over the years. Nope! All teachings go out the window once you hit seventh grade for some reason. Then, in eighth grade, we have to try and re-train them to move on to the high school. But it doesn't work. They have their own stubborn minds that won't budge. Lucky me!
I think I need to be put away somewhere. haha

I'm Baaaaaaaack!

I didn't want to come home, but I did. We're back from our annual Myrtle Beach trip. I survived the ride home! (of course Dramamine was involved)  I wish I didn't get car sick. It sucks. Especially through the North Carolina/Tennessee mountains. That's what gets me.
The weather was beautiful in S.C. It only sprinkled once. The sun was out every single day; I love sunbathing, so it was a hit with me. Now I have to gear up for the big days ahead.
Cam's knee surgery is this coming Wednesday. She's starting to get nervous, and I have to admit I am, too. I don't want her to be in severe pain. I'm hoping they give her some good pain meds to keep it under control. Then, school starts. Man, I don't think I'm ready for that yet.

When I Travel, I Can't Help But Think

When I travel (which isn't very often like it used to be), I can't help but think about what it would be like to move. I think to myself about the infinite number of places I COULD move; since I teach, I could virtually move anywhere where there is a school, right? Well, that's anywhere!
There are some major cities who beg for teachers. Sure, they may not have ideal teaching conditions, but neither does the location I am in now. Yes, I could have it waaayyyy worse where I am now, but perhaps some other location might work for me, too. So where would I go? I could list several places off the top of my head. Those of you who know me could probably guess my top three. Of course, it is wishful thinking. Of course, I may not ever get the chance to go. Of course, that doesn't stop me from dreaming.

Oh, the possibilities...

My mind reels with the thoughts of the possibilities...

Direct TV -- YOU SUCK!

I'm so angry with direct-tv. They took away tons of channels including MTV. Now, since I've become hooked on The Real World, I can't watch it. I'm super bummed. On a better note, Big Brother starts tonight on CBS. That, thankfully, has not been taken away yet.

A Nervous Stomach

I don't particularly like the times when I have what I call a "nervous stomach". It's that feeling where you have butterflies, but not the good kind of butterflies, in your stomach. It's a nervous feeling that really overtakes your whole body. It makes me feel like I'm on pins and needles, waiting for something to happen.
I have a nervous stomach right now.
What will take place? What will set me at ease? I'm apprehensive about a lot of things -- could some be resolved? We'll see what happens.

Dad

I'm not a gambler. I don't enjoy losing money for any reason. So, when my dad asked me to go to Belterra with him, I was a bit hesitant, but I agreed to go.
We went today, this morning (to beat the crowd, according to him), and we just got home. We had so much fun. He gave me a little spending money, which thrilled me. I didn't have to lose my own! So I was down to 6.00. After that, I was going to be done. I tried one last machine - the Elvis machine. (Irony here because I despise Elvis.) I schlepped on up to the machine, sat my big butt down, and began playing. I got down a couple of dollars with some winnings sprinkled here and there. Then, I hit a bonus and won enough money to call it quits. A hundred dollars later, I was jumping for joy! That's the most money I have ever won -  doing anything! Then dad and I stopped at this little winery in Vevay. It was a quaint little place that had nice views and a cute little tasting room. So, I bellied up and sipped on some wines. I bought a bottle of  sweet white wine. Too bad no one will want to split it with me. I guess I'll have to drink the entire thing all by myself. Darn.

It's Not the End of the World?

Orthopedic appointment today for Cam. Surgery it is. Not really great news, but it's not the end of the world, I guess. I just want her pain to stop and for her to be better for soccer season. Let's cross our fingers that when the surgery scheduler calls me tomorrow, we can do it within the week or early next week so that she's healed by our vacation. Cross your fingers!!
In other news...yesterday the girls and I were caught in a hail storm in the Geo without the top. It was definintely something to tell the grandkids about later on! We survived; Mak got hit in the chest by a quarter-sized piece of hail which left a huge welt, but we finally made it home okay. It was quite the experience. We looked like drenched rats by the time we walked in the door. I can go another lifetime without that happening again!

What I Heard versus What I Wanted to Hear

I wanted to hear that we'll do whatever it takes to take care of it.
What I heard, instead, was "Well, what are you gonna do about it?"
Abandonment. I'd lie and say I'm getting pretty used to it, but does one ever truly just "get used to it"?

Loaded weekend

My weekend was jam-packed with activities. Friday night Mak and I went to the Dave Matthews Band concert in Indy. Man, it was amazing! We had a great time. We went early and stopped in Greenwood at the mall and a couple of other places. Then we went out to eat and headed toward the concert. We didn't make it home until after 2am. I was pooped!
Saturday we had a soccer tournament (at home, thankfully), so we were out in the sun for hours. After that, we had a reception to go to. On Sunday, I did laundry, laundry, and more laundry. I also did the dishes, both upstairs and downstairs (that was a treat - NOT), and cooked the following: butter bars (M. Graue's recipe), roasted potatoe casserole, hotdogs, hamburgers, grilled corn, and boiled corn on the cob. Last evening I also rented a movie for the family to watch. By the time my head hit the pillow at 11pm, I was out!

Seventeen and Counting

Seventeen years ago today I was giving birth to my middle daughter, Cam. There are so many memories that come flooding back when I think about that day. It was the "longest day of the year" -- it contained the most daylight hours in the year. I sure did feel like it was the longest day of the year, so to speak. I had a tough labor and delivery. She was worth every rip, push, and grunt. She is a wonderful young woman. At seventeen, she has grown into a compassionate, loving, understanding woman who takes pride in everything she does. She is the peacekeeper. She is the studious one. She is ambitious. And I love her. Happy Birthday, Cam. I hope this year is a great one!

It's like starting over.
Sending my daughter off to college is a little like starting your life over again. Since children don't really have the unlimited resources to purchase all of the household goods they need, the parent must pick up most of that tab. Sure, the child might have received some graduation money, but I feel that should be used for textbooks/tuition, etc. I mean, really, an eighteen year old with a part time, minimum wage job can't do it all.
Given all of that, lately I have been picking up things for Mak like measuring cups, spatulas, hamburger flippers, slotted spoons, a dust pan, and more. Believe me, that stuff adds up quickly. And as I purchase it, I begin thinking, "Oh, she's gonna need that. And, oh, yeah that, too. But what about that?" and so on. It's like starting my own adult life over again. Cleaners, shower curtain, wastebaskets, laundry baskets, detergent, fabric softener, dishes, pots, pans, dish soap, bar soap, towels, bed ensemble, curtains, and more. Pshew. A lot of stuff, no? And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Boy, I'm reminded now of why I had my kids when I was so young! I don't think I could handle this if I was much older. :)

Green Thumb

I planted my potted flowers the other day. Gardening is therapy for me. I get lost in what I'm doing and actually relax a little. It just kind of creeps up on me - the relaxation. Too bad I don't have thousands of dollars to spend on landscaping. I would do it! I'll settle for my potted and hanging planters I guess. Only about a week until Mak's grad party. I'm a bit nervous. Hope all goes well. I've already learned that trying to keep a black car clean is a chore. I learned that rather quickly. I see myself spending quite a bit of cash at the car wash in years to come. Good news, though -- there is a new car wash being put in near us. It is a Mike's Carwash. I'm super excited. It's the best car cleaning wash in the world. I need a "season ticket". I'm also super excited to see my real dad. He is coming for Mak's party. Can't wait to see him. I miss him. Off to get my hair done today. Long trip, but it has to be done. Beauty isn't easy nor cheap, as they say. haha

Graduation

Well, we've survived graduation. I was so nervous, not because my little girl was graduating, but because of the logistics of it all. Would it be 100 degrees in there, how long would it last, would we have to park at the elementary school and walk? You know, stupid things. But, it all went well. After the ceremony my parents took us all out to eat. We had fun. We hadn't all been together out to eat in a while, so it was good. And most importantly, I got to drive my new car!! I know, I know, everyone says that black is so hard to keep clean. That's been true so far. But when it shines, it's worth all the hard work. In addition to my new car, Cammi got a car. It was a deal we just couldn't pass up. And Sunday, we took it out for a long drive with the top off. It was a blast! I can't wait to do it again. We drove to Westport, cruised around there for a while, and then drove out toward MUTC. The weather was perfect. So, enjoyable weekend here. Next we have three weekends of fun-filled activities: weddings, graduation parties, etc. Cheers!

Sometimes

Sometimes, things get so emotional.

Oh, no - not again!

This, to me, is just unbelievable. After my youngest daughter, who is sickness-prone, had shingles this past year, I never thought I'd have to deal with it again. Wrong! My oldest daughter, who is about to partake in graduation ceremonies, has shingles! What am I doing to deserve this???

Thank you, Lord. This is the last day of the year.

Thank you, Lord, for this being the last day of this school year. Sure, I have to go to tomorrow for paperwork, packing up my room, and putting everything away until next August. But I'm okay with that. We teachers sent away our students today to the next chapter of their lives -- high school. This included my daughter. No more running to Mommy's room to get tampons, money, or cry on her shoulder. Mommy will have her room to herself now. No more piles of clothes, CDs, tennis shoes, flip-flops, scarves, or headbands behind my desk from my youngest one. Nope, I'm taking my space back. It's all mine again. Yippee! I only wish it could've ended on a better note. Today was a rough day. Tons of teenage drama, to put it mildly. I'm glad I at least get a break from it for several weeks. Hello, summer!

Mother

Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. I cried during church this morning thinking about all the mistakes I've made in mothering my children. I'm thankful of the things I do and can do, but it's difficult not to reflect on the mistakes and failures, trying to learn from my mistakes. There are so many things I have done wrong. I only hope that my children can focus on what I have done right. They surprised me with dinner last night, breakfast and coffee this morning, and gifts on the table after church. I loved it all! I'm thankful for the daughters I am a mother to.

The Last Time

This is the last time I will ever have a child go to an 8th grade semi-formal dance. The last time. Did you hear me? My youngest daughter, who is in the 8th grade, is going to her 8th grade dance tonight. I have to take pictures for yearbook, but I will also be there as a parent. I'm not teary-eyed or anything, don't get me wrong. It's just a simple fact that my kids are all grown up. Syd will be moving on to the high school as of the end of May, and then my kids will be officially done with middle school for the rest of their lives and mine. It sort of seems weird.

"I'll Have Another"

I am here to tell you I survived another Kentucky Derby race. We were out there all day in the sweltering heat and barely made it. I thought a couple of times I might pass out from heat exhaustion, but I made it. Getting in and getting out are the hardest parts. People are moving in droves and it's awful. But the day of horse racing is fun! I didn't win all day until the actual derby race itself. I placed a two dollar bet on I'll Have Another and won $55. Not bad! I thought for sure Gemologist would place, so I bet on it, too. But no luck. Makaili got her a "Derby Virgin" pin and wore it with pride. We both came home with slight sunburns, but it was worth it. Next two years? Proms for Cammi, I'm sure. So I might not get to go back to the Derby for two more years. We'll see.

Midlife Crisis

"Some might call it a midlife crisis, but she wasn't sure that was exactly it. It wasn't as though she felt the need to buy a sports car or visit a plastic surgeon or run off to some island in the Carribean. Nor was it about being bored; Lord knows, the kids and the hospital kept her busy enough. Instead, it had more to do with the sense that somehow she'd lost sight of the person she'd once meant to be, and she wasn't sure she'd ever have the opportunity to find that person again." -Nicholas Sparks, The Best of Me Exactly.

Oh my head

Oh boy, is my head swimming. I've been going non-stop for the past two days now. I'm up to my eyeballs in graduation stuff. Today, for about three hours, my daughter and I made a photo book on Shutterfly. After a while, she discovered that she was putting quotations from songs in the nineties for most of her pages. So, she went with that theme; she made all of the pages either song titles or lyrics. It is kinda cute. Toward the end, we were both anxiety ridden, though. It was tedious to move pics, pick out the ones you want to put where, pick fonts for the copy, etc. It was much like what I do on a daily basis for my yearbook class. Believe me, I have enough of that to last me a while. I enjoyed hearing Mak laugh and look up 90's song lyrics, though. She would sing them most of the time, smiling and laughing all the while. It was funny. My baby is all grown up. Sigh.

Not so sure

As a lot of you know, my oldest daughter graduated mid-term from high school back in December. She then attended a local, small college for this past semester getting a jump start on her college credits before going off "away" to college in the fall of 2012. I'm sort of re-thinking our decision a bit. It has been more difficult to now put her in a "transfer student" category in respect to attending a larger, farther away college. It has sucked, quite frankly, to try and get all of this ironed out. Admissions, transfer credits, fees, and more have haunted me in my sleep. I'm over it. I want it to be easier. It's no wonder many people forego college these days; they make it unbearable at times. Grrrrrr.

In the words of

a famous boy band, "It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday." I love that song. The lyrics just popped into my head this morning after I got up. I think I need to listen to some Pandora and find my groove.

Invitations

The invitations are ordered. Mak and I designed her graduation invitations today on Shutterfly.com and ordered them. I'm excited to see them! Now, it will be hell trying to address them all, but I'm sure we'll get it done. One thing checked off the graduation list - yeah! Five thousand more to go...

It's So Hard To

-keep my mouth shut when everything in me screams to let it out
-sleep without being overwhelmed with my "to do" list
-get up in the mornings when my body says, "Stay in bed until at least 8am!"
-find the time to fix dinner when I don't get home until 8pm
-laugh in the face of my grocery bill
-not countdown the days until school is out
-not countdown the days until I leave for Myrtle Beach
-hold back and not go to L.A.
-rely on others
-keep my work clothes on past 3:45pm
-raise three teenage daughters
-keep towels laundered at my house
-try and fit three or more loads of laundry in per day
-eat healthy
-leave a fresh strawberry pie in the frig without eating a piece
-hold a little baby girl and keep from wondering what it was like to have one that tiny
-be still and know that He is God
-smile when expected to
-keep my minutes down on my cell phone when my best friend can't get reception in the boondocks so I have to call her on her home phone
-not gossip
-stay sane

Mark It

Mark it off, ladies and gentlemen! I have crossed off an item on my bucket list! I shot a handgun/pistol this weekend. Woohoo! And, to top it all off, I hit the target I was aiming at. It was quite powerful, and it was loud. I loved it. I want to do it again. This time, I want to go to a shooting range. Over the weekend I just shot outdoors out in the woods. I must say, I enjoyed it. What I forgot was to have someone take my picture doing it. Darn it.
Makaili and I got our Kentucky Derby hats and dresses yesterday, too. She's pretty excited. I just hope it doesn't rain like it has the past two years. I want sunshine so we can wear our attire. It should be fun to start a new tradition with her as an adult. That sounds funny, doesn't it? Me, having an adult daughter. Whew.

Attitude

I need to look at things with a whole new perspective. I need a whole new attitude. Gonna try my hardest to do so.

That numbness

I have that nervous numbness to my legs. They feel like jelly. Noodle legs, some call it. I don't like that feeling. I can't seem to make it go away. To top it all off, I feel like I could puke. Too much going on, I guess.
Cam got ninth out of about 16 girls in the Jeffersonville Invitational today. I was a bundle of nerves the entire meet. I get more nervous than she does. She's favoring her knee and just doesn't seem comfortable on it yet. I hope that goes away. The brace sort of restricts her, I think. I don't know. I just want it all to go away and for her to get back to normal. She has so much potential. I want it so badly for her. It is hard to watch your kids go through some things. This is one of them. Where's my magic wand when I need one? The coaches are throwing around the idea of sitting her out next Thursday, which is a home meet. I don't really want that. They spoke of compromising and letting her not do the glide, just doing a power throw for shotput. I really don't know how I feel about that. I guess it's better than not throwing at all. What to do, what to do... I think we will talk to the physical therapist Wednesday and see what she says. I don't want to backslide any further.
She needs some small victories to build her confidence again. She feels she's slipped since this injury. I don't like her feeling that way. She's better than that stinkin' thinkin'.

Grads

I have soooo much to do before graduation comes. I feel overwhelmed. This to plan, that to buy, those to print. Ugh. Is there anyone to help? I feel like there should be a "graduation planner" out there for me.

My head is spinning. Can someone please make it stop? While you're at it, make the knot in my stomach go away, too, please. Thank you.

Flying

Time is flying by. My spring break has been going so quickly. It's like trying to fit in five weeks worth of time off into one. I did have a blast going to see South Pacific, the musical, at IU Tuesday night. My friends and I stayed up until 6:30am! Last time I did that, someone fixed eggs for me on command. We didn't have any eggs this time.
I've spent hours at doctor's offices and physical therapy for Cam. Good news is that her knee can be active with physical therapy and a brace. It'll be a long four weeks in that thing, but she's managing well. The true test will be her two meets and an invitational this coming week. That's a lot of activity for it in a short amount of time! I hope she does well. She was doing great before the two weeks off. I hope she comes back up to speed quickly.

Say Your Prayers

Say prayers for my daughter, Cam, today. She is going to the orthopedic doctor about her knee. I'm so nervous.
On a good note, I got the office cleaned out. Day one of spring break, success, I guess. I found multiple picture frames I had purchased (I knew they were in here somewhere). Now to print Mak's senior pics and get them in there! So much to do, so little money and time.

It's Official

I'm on spring break. As of 3:15pm. C'mon!

It's a good thing

It's a good thing Mak and I didn't buy John Mayer tickets. He cancelled his tour. He's got some throat issues going on again, so he had to cancel. Man, that stinks, doesn't it? I guess it was meant to be that we got Dave Matthews tickets instead of John Mayer. I'm okay with that. I wasn't at first, but now I am. Get well, John Mayer! I'm still a loyal Pandora fan of yours. Your station is great!

Heartbreak

Getting your heart broken is a difficult experience to go through. There are many levels of heartbreak, too. There are those quick heartbreaks where something is said to you, and it stings to the core of your being. You replay that line(s) over and over in your mind, and your heart hurts because of it. Then, on the other end of the spectrum there is that gut-wrenching heartbreak - the one that makes you feel like you've been turned upside down on a roller coaster, about to vomit or pass out. Neither is easy to deal with, in my opinion. A heartache is a heartache, right? And heartbreak has been known to resurface its pretty little head when you least expect it. That's the real "pow" of it all. Heartbreak sits right down and slaps you across the face to get your attention. It's ruthless like that. Well, the sting is burning my face.

Hurt

No parent wants to see thier child hurt. That thought is compounded when that injury takes them out of a sport, or two. In my child's case, she will be out of soccer AND track. Don't know what's going on for sure yet, but awaiting a phone call from Southern Indiana Orthopedics for an appointment, hopefully toward the beginning of next week. I'm scared, anxious, and more. When something goes wrong with someone's knee, it usually isn't good news. I'm hoping physical therapy might cure what ails her. I'm almost sure they'll want to do an MRI. Nervous about that, too. I'm just a bundle of nerves, here. For now, out for a week or so until we see the orthopedic doc. Keep your fingers crossed. I want "not so bad" news. It makes me truly uncomfortable knowing my kid is hurt. I don't like it one bit.

Music

I listen to Pandora almost every day during my prep. I love it. It's almost like I can't concentrate on my work without it. There are times when a song will come on, unexpectedly, and change me. I might become happy, sad, nostalgic, or whatever may come over me at the time. Certain songs take you to certain places in your life. That's one of the things I love about music; it can take you to a different place. I love the piano parts in Adele's music. They sweep me off my feet. I swoon over things like that. I had one of those moments today. I was whisked away to another place and time. Time traveling -- I like that.

Beautiful

It was beautiful outside today. Why can't it be this way every day? Where can I move to that has this weather 365 days a year? Sign me up!

Write it Down

I'm a natural letter writer. I've written so many letters in my lifetime, many of which I never send. I've written letters at my desk at school before, and then sat there and ripped them up into little tiny bits over my trashcan. Some I have put in my desk drawer at school, only to toss them at a later date. And yet others, I've either hand delivered, or have sent them in the mail. I will also write in cards. I use all of that empty space on the inside flap to jabber and communicate to others. I love getting communication back, too. It makes my heart go flip-flop if I get a letter in the mail or via email. I want to know what others are thinking or what's going on in their lives. I love that bond that letters create.
However, there are times when so much is floating around in my brain that I am speechless. Sometimes the words just won't come out. I don't enjoy those times. Those times make me feel like my hands are tied. Good thing I don't have trouble speaking, or seeing, or hearing. I would really feel insane, then.
What I guess I'm getting at is that I could write a thousand letters. And I would love to receive a thousand back. But there are just some letters you can't write. And then there are those that you can write, but just can't send.

14

Fourteen years ago today, my baby was brought into this world. It's hard to believe she's fourteen.

Frustration

I get so frustrated sometimes that it makes my head hurt - literally. Why do I do this? I know I have to be the one to take care of me, because no one else will. I have to be the one to get things done. I have to be the one who...I have to be the one who...I have to be the one who...

And it sucks.

End of story.

Saying a Lot

I know a girl who is sixteen whose mother is so mean to her. She does not deserve it. She's the sweetest girl. And her mom continues to berate her, treat her like a dog, threaten her, and embarrass her. The kicker is, her mom then tries to apologize and smooth things over, time and time again. Because that's how her mom was treated by her dad. The cycle continues. I feel so sorry for her. I wish I could wisk her away and bring her home with me to live. My kids would love her like a sister, and she would be loved by me. I had her in class a few years ago, and I loved her then. She is a great kid.
After tonight's tirade by her mother, I asked Cammi, who is her age, how she would feel if I talked to her the way this girl's mother talked to her. Cammi was honest and said she would cry, cry, cry. I would never think of talking to my child the way this mother talks to her children. I'm thankful that my kids don't have to live through that. I'm thankful that those times when I do get angry or frustrated with my kids, I have enough respect and self-control that I don't talk out of line to them. I guess there's one good way to look at the whole situation - it teaches me what NOT to do with my own kids. That's the only good I see in it. And maybe it teaches my teenage daughter to appreciate me as a mother. Otherwise, the situation sucks. Point blank.

Regrets and Mistakes and Memories Made

After being at the hospital when the new baby arrived, many emotions swirled in my being. I felt relieved that she was finally here, that she arrived and was healthy. I felt elated, that a new life was in our family who we'd see grow up. I felt sentimental talking about the three births that I went through myself. I felt guilty about all the things I have done to or with my own kids that have been negative. I felt sorry for the wrongdoings that have affected my children. I felt sad, that I was so young and dumb when I birthed my three kids. I really didn't know what I was doing. Yet, I felt a small bit of hope; maybe one day I'd have a very positive impact on this little girl. Maybe, just maybe, I could be her "go to" someday. I could be the one that would help her when she thinks her mommy and daddy can't. Everybody needs that go to person in their lives. Even my own kids.
I just want to hold this little girl in my arms. I want to kiss her tiny cheeks. I want to take in her baby scent. And I never want to forget all of this, so that I can tell her about it when she gets older - about the day she was born and the days thereafter. And I want to read books to her. If I could sing, I'd sing to her, too.
My "little girls" are 18, 16, and very soon to be 14. Where has the time gone?

I've Been Waiting for a Girl Like You

She's here!! The baby has arrived, and she is precious.

Tickets, Transfer, and Tornados

I am bummed. I didn't get John Mayer tickets. I tried for quite some time. No luck. That pretty much saddened my spirits. I really wanted to go see him. I've talked about it for a long time. I never thought I'd get the chance. Then, when I did, it failed. Oh well.
Mak is trying to transfer to IU Southeast, and it is not going well. One person says to do this, while another person says to do that. No, you don't have to pay this fee, yes, you do have to pay this fee. I'm tired of the runaround. Had I known she'd get jerked this way and that, I'd have had her just begin down at IUS. It might have been easier. This graduation/college thing is exhausting.
Yesterday we went to help my best friend's father in law whose property was mangled due to the southern Indiana tornados. The devastation is too much for words. You can see the direct path this monster took. It wrecked communities. It killed people. It was powerful. The massive cleanup is far from over, but with the help of many good people, at least there is a dent in it. It was nice to see hope in humankind. There are still good people out there even though our world's a mess. There really are.

John Mayer??

OMG! John Mayer has announced he is starting off his spring tour at IU Bloomington on April 9!! Tickets go on sale this Friday, and I am hoping I can get in on that! Listening to John Mayer brings back so many memories - places, people, things. I love listening to Room for Squares. I love that CD! I hope I can hear that in concert.

Oscars

I'm not a die hard Oscar fan, BUT...
when I was younger, I used to fantasize about being up on stage and accepting an Oscar, an Emmy, or a Tony for some exceptional performance. I wanted so badly to be that actress -- the one that everybody was moved by. I wanted to be the one that was proud of her supporting role. You see, I would have been a great supporting actress; I didn't ever want the lead role. I loved playing those parts that the audience fell in love with. I wanted, or envisioned, myself playing a role that people couldn't resist rooting for. After watching The Help this past year, I remember yearning for a role in a movie like that. I hope it wins tonight, and I hope the actresses that played in the film get recognized for their amazing performances. That movie is one that I'll never forget; the emotions it evoked in me were radical. If The Help and its actresses don't win, the Academy is doing America a disservice. As for me, my dreams were never accomplished. I didn't go on to be an actress, so I have to live my dreams through other actress's works. I'll be on pins and needles during tonight's Oscars.

Moisturizing

We've finally got the right contact lenses for Cam. She had glasses previously, but since going to the eye doctor a few weeks ago, she was told she HAD to wear her glasses full time now, whereas before was only as needed. So, that means she has to have her vision corrected while she plays sports, too. That warranted contact lenses for those sporting events like soccer, basketball, etc. We tried one pair out then had a follow up appointment a week later. The lenses were burning her eyes terribly, and she couldn't see out of them very well. So, the doc changed her lenses to a moisture lens. Then we had to return a week later again for a re-check. This time she was more comfortable in the lenses and her vision was better. That means we've found a lens for her, but that also means that the lens is more expensive than the first one we tried because of the higher moisture content. Phew. Finally. Now, tonight, we'll see how she fares at her indoor soccer game. Maybe she'll see those shots coming at her in goal a little better.
And...and...the baby will be here ANYTIME!! Doctor said so. C'mon, Krea -- get that baby out! I'm ready to hold her!

Nervous Stomach

I just finished filling out Makaili's FAFSA for financial aid for this next school year. I literally have butterflies in my stomach after filling it out. I wasn't this nervous when I filled it out last year! I had a place where I was unsure of what number to put, so I called the tax office where we get our taxes prepared, and I asked them what to put. They told me what to put, but I still feel in my gut that it might be wrong. I don't want to mess up my child's funding, you know? It's a scary thing. She didn't get near the amount of grants that we thought she would, so that puts me in an apprehensive mood. I guess I just have to let go of it. I have to know that I put what was honest and true, and leave it at that. I can't do anything better or different. It is what it is. We'll see how it all turns out.
Meanwhile, my stomach is doing flip flops. Of course, it could be related to other things, or it could be all things combined, but nonetheless, it is happening. And I don't like it. I want to be able to control it. And I can't. Now THAT is a scary thing.

In Short...

What if today was your last day?

Sixteen Days

I have sixteen days left until I can hold that sweet little newborn in my arms, smelling her pretty little head and taking in all things 'baby'. I simply cannot wait.

Hometown

I went to the old homestead tonight to visit my mom who just had eye reduction surgery. She looks like she's been in a fight. We got to eat Pizzalicious -- YUM!

Valentine's Day

It's that time of year again. Mr. Cupid is pulling out his arrows, only to probably misfire. haha

...

GET.ME.OUT.OF.HERE.

Do Something Different

I want to do something different. I want to take a risk. I want to be bold. I thought Saturday I'd do that by getting more blonde in my hair. Nope. That didn't do the trick. I don't think it really looks that much different. I even got an inch cut off all over. That's big for me. I haven't had an inch cut off my hair in forever. Like I said, nope, didn't do it for me.
So, what to do?
What I really want to do is just get away for a little while. I want to run to Mexico or out to L.A. But, I just can't do it. I even have a place to stay in L.A. Still, I'm held back by something. (Sure, money is a factor, but that put aside, I'd still be hung up here.)
I need to be planning a graduation party.
I need to be arranging braces for my middle daughter.
I need to be working on my exercise routine.
I need to be watching what I eat.
I need to be cleaning the house.
I need to be doing five million other things.
Yet, something is missing.
Perhaps I need to focus on my bucket list. Perhaps I need to jump out of a plane. Skydiving is on my list, after all. Maybe what it all boils down to is I need a vacation. That might be the answer to my issue. But how does one get away when she has three responsibilities called daughters to take care of? I don't know, either. I'll have to keep working on that one.

Older AND Wiser? Not really.

It's not a whole lot of fun getting older. There are so many things that come along with getting older. Some of them are seen as positive, some as not so positive. In the nature of my personality, let's say, I tend to see the not so positive creeping into my life on a daily basis. Or maybe I just notice it daily. I dunno. Anyway...take for instance a few months, give or take, of not eating healthy. This has proven to me that it is so easy to put on weight yet so difficult to take it back off. I'm what is known as a yo-yo; my weight has fluctuated my entire adult life. Up and down. Up and down. And if I want to maintain a "healthy" weight, I must work at it like it's my second job. Or maybe even my first job. Either way, it sucks for me. I haven't been "working" at it, so I am increasing in weight. Oh, there are those people out there that like to stroke others' egos and say things like, "Oh, please. You look fine." Yeah, buddy, shut up. Then there are others who tread lightly, trying to be a bit honest, yet gentle: "Yeah, I know. It's hard to take off weight, isn't it?" or some bs like that. So, in the end, I get it. The older I get, the harder it is to keep my weight down. And, folks, that's a major downer for me. I'm so self-conscious. I'm so low in self-esteem. I admit that about myself. Character flaw one? Check. (I won't list the fifteen other character flaws...) Older and wiser? Maybe. Older and fatter? Yes, indeed. Damn, isn't life grand?

Licensed to Drive

And, folks, I have yet another licensed driver in my household. Yep, two out of three now. Man, I find that hard to believe.

My favorites

My favorite _________________ is...

holiday: Thanksgiving

color: (I have so many)...favorite color to wear: black or gray; favorite color to see: pink or green or orange

actor: Matt Damon (just because he's cute)

actress: Julia Roberts

book: (no way I could decide, but...) The Great Gatsby
movie: The Help

room in my house: my bedroom because I get to read and relax in there, or maybe I should say the bathroom because that's the only place I get peace and time to myself - haha.

TV show: "Private Practice"

store: Tiffany & Co. (for jewelry, naturally)

ice cream: anything with caramel such as Caramel Praline, Caramel and Fudge swirl, etc.

dessert: creme brulee

food: pizza, but I love shrimp, too

song: Currently it is Rhianna's, "We Found Love", but I usually like sappy songs

vacation spot: the beach or NYC

musical/Broadway play: The Color Purple
doctor: Dr. Drew Pinsky

car: 1966 Ford Mustang Convertible like the one on Princess Diaries
hobby: reading or sunbathing by a body of water

saying: "Everything happens for a reason."

Bible Verse: Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

Christmas song: "What Child is This?"

flower: tulips

birthday: My 30th

childhood memory: My grandpa used to hold me and dance to Anne Murray songs in his living room while I wrapped my arms around his neck and lied my head on his shoulder.


These are just a few of my favorites. I felt I needed to list them to call attention to some positives in my life. It's good to remind ourselves of those every once in a while.

Oh Baby

Today I will be attending the first baby shower for Baby K. I'm excited, and I'm nervous. The date is approaching and I find myself feeling anxious for her arrival. I can't wait to meet her; I love her so much already. March third can't get here soon enough.

Musical

I hear the music, I think of the places, and I want to go there.

Confused

Some things are so confusing. Just when you think you have it all figured out, "BAM!" Nope, you don't. It makes me squirm a little.

Dreams

I'd probably hate to know what my dreams are telling me. They've been wild lately. Too much on my mind, maybe? Probably so.

The next month is going to be busy. We have indoor soccer starting all the way in Southport; three baby showers; a wedding and reception of my best friend; multiple dance performances and competitions; and more. Will I be able to keep it all straight? My mind is reeeling.

The superbowl is right around the corner. The teams headed there really don't interest me. I'm rooting for the NY Giants, I guess, given the caliber of who is out there to root for. Not a lot of options! So, if Peyton isn't available, then I guess I'll keep it in the family and cheer on his brother, Eli. With the superbowl being so close (in Indy), I want so badly to go up there and be a part of the celebrations. Not actually on the day of the superbowl, but the pre-cursory activities. I want to zipline down the street; that'd be fun. Probably won't happen, since my calendar is full, but it's fun to imagine what it'd be like.

Thinking of ziplining, that leads me to thinking about my bucket list. I've checked off one thing, at least, in the last couple of months. I really need to get crackin' on that. It's not getting any shorter! And I'm not getting any younger! And when things are happening with your own kids, you kind of put yourself on the back burner. So, my bucket list really needs to be re-visited so that I can see if there is anything I can bust out on it. Tulips at the Biltmore is on there. Maybe I need to take a Spring Break road trip.

Old Times

I love when Jennings County plays South Decatur in basketball. It soooo reminds me of old times when I was a cheerleader, cheering for South when we played EVERY Thanksgiving Eve night. Can't wait until tomorrow night for the game.

2012

It's a new year with new possibilities.