A shock to the system

I opened my inbox this morning with ease, not expecting anything too jolting. I opened an email from Archiver's, my favorite scrapbooking store, and then clicked onto the next. It was a newsletter-type email that I get from Women's Christianity Today (http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2006/004/7.52.html). Those of you who know me well might think to yourselves, "Hmm. Didn't know she was that into it." Ups and downs in my faith are common. Nonetheless, I try.
The topic of the main article in this email was about suicide. Wow. What an item to wake up to, so to speak. So, I scrolled down to see the teaser; see if I wanted to read on. Certainly, I did. I clicked over to the article in its entirety and read on. Yes, I was aware of the horrors of a family member's suicide. Oh how I remember the pain well. Though I was just in the fifth grade, I can remember it like yesterday when my grandpa took his own life.
According to the article, "In the United States alone, a person commits suicide every 17 minutes, making suicide the eleventh leading cause of death." This is quite alarming, actually. Death is inevitable, true. But taking one's own life is not something that I think of as a "normal" death. It didn't have to happen right at that very moment. What is the real kicker is that the person who is hurting at the time gets over his hurt, but leaves friends and family to endure prolonged hurt with no answers for comfort. I have written a beginning of a memoir, so to speak, about my grandfather's suicide. I was his first grandchild, and he adored me. Given my mother and I lived with them for the first two and a half years of my life, he was my male figure in my life during a very influential time. I miss him so much and feel so much agony over him missing the so-very-important things in my life: my wedding(s), my children, my college graduation, and so on.
The article I read today drudged up ugly feelings. It was a slap in the face; a wake-up call for the buried emotions I successfully pushed down for months now. The last time I felt all of these was when I visited his gravesite in early spring. That is when I knelt down and sobbed at his headstone. Right now, I feel I could do it all over again in the middle of my den. It is gut-wrenching pain.
I am including here a list of warning signs so that those of you who DO read this blog will have them for reference. I want no one to have to go through the suicide of a loved one, but from the statistics, I know others will. Pay attention! Save someone!


Suicide Prevention: If you think someone you know is suicidal, consider these tips from the Suicide Information & Education Centre (www.suicideinfo.ca).

WARNING SIGNS:• threatens suicide• talks about wanting to die• shows changes in behavior, appearance, or mood• abuses drugs and/or alcohol• deliberately injures himself• appears depressed, sad, withdrawn

WHAT TO DO:• let the person talk about his/her feelings• be accepting; don't judge• ask if the person is having suicidal thoughts• take all suicide threats seriously• do not swear secrecy—tell someone• contact a counselor, pastor, or one of the organizations involved in prevention

*I love you, Grandpa. I miss you terribly.*