Previously on this blog I have talked about suicide. Not my own, but my experiences with suicide in my family. Today, that demon reared its ugly head and slapped me when I wasn't expecting it.
Today, while talking to a fellow teacher, we were discussing some particular E.D. students (that's emotionally disabled/special education). In this discussion, we eventually talked about depression. I told this co-worker of my family having a history of depression, and that, in fact, my mother's father commited suicide. She extended her sympathies and we talked about others who had been through deep bouts of depression, resulting in death in other ways: immobility, eating one's self to obesity and death, sleeping life away, etc. The conversation ended and I did not think any more about it. Until I got home.
After being home for about a half an hour, my mom called. This wasn't out of the ordinary. She asked me if I was watching Oprah. I told her I wasn't and she said, "Good!" I thought maybe she was saying that because the show was almost over and she was taping it for me to watch in its entirety, since I would have missed about twenty minutes of it due to the fact I don't get home in time to watch the first part of the show. No, she said she wasn't taping it. She said it was good, though. What is it about, I asked. She told me it was about people who had tried to commit suicide but lived. She then blurted out a statement I didn't expect to hear: "I'm glad my dad died. I wouldn't have wanted him to live through what this kid has that is on there right now!"
Wow. I just was stuck on the words she said. Not that she said anything wrong. She didn't. It was just weird to hear her say she was glad he died. My mom doesn't often talk about him dying, not as much as I do. I know it hurts her so badly, and sometimes I am tempted to try and stay quiet about it so as to not pain her even more. But honestly, I can't restrain myself.
So, I walked upstairs, turned on the TV and she was saying, "I just kept watching this kid. He blew his whole face off. As he talked, I just kept getting hotter, and hotter, and sweating!" I then saw what she was talking about. I blurted out, "Oh, my!!" She said, "What, did you turn it on or something?" Yes, I told her. I did.
After listening, and watching this boy, I knew what mom meant. I'm okay with the fact that Grandpa died, if this would have been the alternative, or worse. That is one statement I never thought I'd say.
And I wouldn't have thought today would be one of those days I would be reminded of how badly suicide hurts the living. But just as this boy on the show stated, it does.