Yesterday and the day before, my mind was a jumbled mess. It's like I have been walking around in a fog, unable to truly see well. I can put some feelers out there, but they don't help; I still feel disoriented.
To what do I owe this wonderful feeling? I began to wonder if it is a migraine coming on. I really don't think it is. Am I getting sick? I don't know. I do know that I don't like feeling this way.
Even my emotions are on overload. Well, maybe not so much on overload; maybe it is more of a numb feeling. I've felt like I wanted to be secluded, alone. I haven't really wanted to interact with people much. This, unfortunately, does not work in my life - I am constantly surrounded by others. Perhaps I need a vacation from life. Perhaps I need to get away if even for a day in solitude. How, where, and when that could happen does not show up on the radar. Not possible. So, in the present time, I'll just have to cope.
It doesn't help that I miss my mom.
I talk to her on the phone often, and she is doing very well. With her being clean and a real person again, I miss her. I want to spend time with the mom I once knew who has returned. But she is not finished with her treatment until August 27. She is also homesick, which tugs at my heartstrings.
Oh, so many emotions, so little time to sort them out. . .
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Letter from Mom
I got a letter in the mail from my mom today. It was two pages of lined notebook paper front and back. It was good to read her writing, as if she was talking to me or sitting next to me perhaps drinking a cup of coffee.
(I sent her a card a week or so ago, but this is the first letter I have received from her since she's been in treatment. The girls and I have gone to see her once, whereas my dad has gone to see her several times.)
There were several interesting aspects to the letter. First, mom wrote in the letter about her excitement. I haven't seen her have excitement for anything in a very long time. She even said that on Sunday when dad came up to see her, it was as if it were their first date. That melted my heart. Secondly, there was a poem of sorts she included in there that was given to her in the program speaking of motivation called "Even Though" by Ralph Marston. This little poem was striking. I can just see her reading it and being her own cheerleader. Another thing in the letter that struck me was that she spoke of a meeting she attended where the participants had to write a condensed version of their recovery and make it so people would want to read it. Mom and the other attendees made book jackets and titles for the "books" and even had to go to the front of the room as if on Oprah or some talk show where they had to answer questions about their books as if they were bestsellers. My mom loved this, she said. The counselor even praised her repeatedly on her job well done. He told her that her book was "so deep", then proceeded to spin her around to the entire audience and tell them how he just wanted to scoop her up and for everyone to take a good look at her. She felt on top of the world! I can only imagine how she felt validated - for her writing to matter to someone. I have had that feeling a few times and there is no high like that high a person can feel if they love the written word like I do. Lastly, mom copied her goodbye letter to pain pills for me to read. As I have had time to process it and re-read it more than once, I am moved by it. It's not that it is loaded with impressive vocabulary or painted with heavy descriptive words; it is that it's raw and expressive. It brings me to tears. I'm ready to have my old mom back - the one who wrote this letter to me that I received in the mail today.
(I sent her a card a week or so ago, but this is the first letter I have received from her since she's been in treatment. The girls and I have gone to see her once, whereas my dad has gone to see her several times.)
There were several interesting aspects to the letter. First, mom wrote in the letter about her excitement. I haven't seen her have excitement for anything in a very long time. She even said that on Sunday when dad came up to see her, it was as if it were their first date. That melted my heart. Secondly, there was a poem of sorts she included in there that was given to her in the program speaking of motivation called "Even Though" by Ralph Marston. This little poem was striking. I can just see her reading it and being her own cheerleader. Another thing in the letter that struck me was that she spoke of a meeting she attended where the participants had to write a condensed version of their recovery and make it so people would want to read it. Mom and the other attendees made book jackets and titles for the "books" and even had to go to the front of the room as if on Oprah or some talk show where they had to answer questions about their books as if they were bestsellers. My mom loved this, she said. The counselor even praised her repeatedly on her job well done. He told her that her book was "so deep", then proceeded to spin her around to the entire audience and tell them how he just wanted to scoop her up and for everyone to take a good look at her. She felt on top of the world! I can only imagine how she felt validated - for her writing to matter to someone. I have had that feeling a few times and there is no high like that high a person can feel if they love the written word like I do. Lastly, mom copied her goodbye letter to pain pills for me to read. As I have had time to process it and re-read it more than once, I am moved by it. It's not that it is loaded with impressive vocabulary or painted with heavy descriptive words; it is that it's raw and expressive. It brings me to tears. I'm ready to have my old mom back - the one who wrote this letter to me that I received in the mail today.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Failure to post
I had this big post yesterday that would not post, so the info was lost because I did not save a draft before trying the post.
What it said was that I am changing my eating lifestyle and my physical fitness lifestyle. Today is the first day I have not gone on a thirty minute jog/walk for over a week. My legs feel like jell-o and my head is swimming. Sinus pressure. Feel terrible. I'm sure it is from stress. Can't seem to get away from it! *So many things I want to say, but don't want to risk giving someone pleasurable reading material.
What happened to getting groceries being a luxury? What happened to several payments being behind on things? What happened to desperately needing money? You see, my dear readers, there seems to be some talking out of both sides of one's mouth going on here. And franly, people don't like that. My prayers include people who talk out of both sides of their mouths; they include people who trespass against me; and they include my own anger and the anger of others; they also include liars, fakers, cheaters.
Those prayers aren't easy ones to pray, but necessary.
What it said was that I am changing my eating lifestyle and my physical fitness lifestyle. Today is the first day I have not gone on a thirty minute jog/walk for over a week. My legs feel like jell-o and my head is swimming. Sinus pressure. Feel terrible. I'm sure it is from stress. Can't seem to get away from it! *So many things I want to say, but don't want to risk giving someone pleasurable reading material.
What happened to getting groceries being a luxury? What happened to several payments being behind on things? What happened to desperately needing money? You see, my dear readers, there seems to be some talking out of both sides of one's mouth going on here. And franly, people don't like that. My prayers include people who talk out of both sides of their mouths; they include people who trespass against me; and they include my own anger and the anger of others; they also include liars, fakers, cheaters.
Those prayers aren't easy ones to pray, but necessary.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Horsey
Last evening my dad treated us to a little road trip. He knew it was on my bucket list to see a live horse race. (I particularly want to go to the KY Derby one day, but a live horse race will suffice for now.) Since there were only three days left of thoroughbred horse racing at Indiana Downs, we decided to go last night. It was a great evening for outdoor activities. We had a good time despite not winning with the small bets we put down. Dad, Whitey, and I were betting for the girls since they aren't 18 yet. I'm telling you, it is NOT a science. Odds change with the drop of a hat, jockeys get hot and cold quickly, and the horses have minds of their own despite their running records. They definitely live in the moment, taking in all that is around them. Sights, sounds, movements, touch - they sense it all and will run accordingly. That is why betting is pretty much a roadspan of luck. Sometimes you run on the straight and narrow and find your way to the payoff in the end, and sometimes you can see the end, but can't get to the prize. Betting on a horse is dabbling in fate.
Some of the names of the horses were grand - Snicklebritches(winner), Watchmeshakeit (winner), My Sassy Girl, Sugar Cube a Holic, and Chaffed Lips. I think I want to get a horse just to name it something catchy and corny. (Maybe then the grass wouldn't need mowed either!) Syd said she'd name hers Grease Lightning, Rockin' Robin, Racin' Ruby, or Speed Racer. Guess where she got most of these names??? Movies.
Cammi would name hers(if it was female) Dirty Girl; if it was male, she'd name it Chimichanga. Catchy!
Maybe mine would be Weightaminute, Pristine Princess, Jabberwocky, or Romeo's Rose. I could do this all day.
*Sydney's late comment came in as follows: "Wouldn't it be sad if someone named theirs 'Glue'?"
Some of the names of the horses were grand - Snicklebritches(winner), Watchmeshakeit (winner), My Sassy Girl, Sugar Cube a Holic, and Chaffed Lips. I think I want to get a horse just to name it something catchy and corny. (Maybe then the grass wouldn't need mowed either!) Syd said she'd name hers Grease Lightning, Rockin' Robin, Racin' Ruby, or Speed Racer. Guess where she got most of these names??? Movies.
Cammi would name hers(if it was female) Dirty Girl; if it was male, she'd name it Chimichanga. Catchy!
Maybe mine would be Weightaminute, Pristine Princess, Jabberwocky, or Romeo's Rose. I could do this all day.
*Sydney's late comment came in as follows: "Wouldn't it be sad if someone named theirs 'Glue'?"
Monday, July 13, 2009
A Do Run Run
I love the library. I am a closet librarian, I believe. When people give booktalks in any given conference I attend, my heart races at the thought of delving into a new book to read and then sharing it with someone else. Since I do love the library, I try to go there often. School is out, so I went to the local public library the other day.
At the public library, there is much to be desired by way of new books, displaying popular reads, and really selling the library's package. If I were running the show there, changes would surely be made. Anyway, that's not what I am here to talk about. I am here to speak of the book I checked out.
I checked out a Runner's World published book about beginning running. I read the first three chapters the night I got it. This got me thinking, after knowing how bad my weight is and so on, that I really need to begin some walking then running. So, today, I walked/jogged for thirty minutes. And, so it begins.
At the public library, there is much to be desired by way of new books, displaying popular reads, and really selling the library's package. If I were running the show there, changes would surely be made. Anyway, that's not what I am here to talk about. I am here to speak of the book I checked out.
I checked out a Runner's World published book about beginning running. I read the first three chapters the night I got it. This got me thinking, after knowing how bad my weight is and so on, that I really need to begin some walking then running. So, today, I walked/jogged for thirty minutes. And, so it begins.
Friday, July 10, 2009
5 things I'm grateful for
1. My intelligence
2. Healthy children
3. Grace and forgiveness
4. My resurrected friendships
5. Sunshine
2. Healthy children
3. Grace and forgiveness
4. My resurrected friendships
5. Sunshine
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Sweet Nothings
There are only a few weeks of my "summer vacation" left before school starts again. Those of you keeping up with me know that since I had to take a grad class, my summer vacation just started last week. (not even a full week, as I might say) So, given those facts, my vacation is not really a vacation at all. Why not? you ask. Well, think of it like this:
If a teacher has to put off all appointments like dental, vision, etc. during the school year, she then waits for summer to come so that she can make those appointments during normal business hours like from 8-4. That means her summer vacation would be the best time to get an appointment like mentioned so that she doesn't have to take off work or take her kids out of school to do routine things. Trying to then cram all of those appts. for four people into less than three weeks is what I'm up against. Before I know it, I will be forming lesson plans for the beginning of the school year, taking up precious hours of my vacation time. So, if you are keeping track, and I think you aren't, my summer is cut down to only a couple of weeks of days off. That's not nearly enough for me. Sure, I love my job, don't get me wrong. But some nice summer days is what many teachers look forward to. When a teacher is robbed of those, it seems like she has been cheated.
My oldest daughter is driving now. She has her permit and is taking driver's ed as of this past Monday. Yesterday she drove to a town near us about fifteen miles away and then drove back as well. She did great, actually! I am and was worried. I guess it is a normal motherly reaction to your child driving?! I am paranoid about my kids being in a car accident, so it grates on my nerves to think about all of the possibilities...
I got to visit with a friend yesterday. It was quite nice. This friend has been on weight watchers and has lost forty pounds. Man, am I envious! I need to follow in the footsteps of said friend. Difficult, though.
I helped another friend move on Monday. You talk about difficult! There was a multitude of stuff to move, but we got it done. I'm glad this friend is out of the environment he was in. Yikes!
If a teacher has to put off all appointments like dental, vision, etc. during the school year, she then waits for summer to come so that she can make those appointments during normal business hours like from 8-4. That means her summer vacation would be the best time to get an appointment like mentioned so that she doesn't have to take off work or take her kids out of school to do routine things. Trying to then cram all of those appts. for four people into less than three weeks is what I'm up against. Before I know it, I will be forming lesson plans for the beginning of the school year, taking up precious hours of my vacation time. So, if you are keeping track, and I think you aren't, my summer is cut down to only a couple of weeks of days off. That's not nearly enough for me. Sure, I love my job, don't get me wrong. But some nice summer days is what many teachers look forward to. When a teacher is robbed of those, it seems like she has been cheated.
My oldest daughter is driving now. She has her permit and is taking driver's ed as of this past Monday. Yesterday she drove to a town near us about fifteen miles away and then drove back as well. She did great, actually! I am and was worried. I guess it is a normal motherly reaction to your child driving?! I am paranoid about my kids being in a car accident, so it grates on my nerves to think about all of the possibilities...
I got to visit with a friend yesterday. It was quite nice. This friend has been on weight watchers and has lost forty pounds. Man, am I envious! I need to follow in the footsteps of said friend. Difficult, though.
I helped another friend move on Monday. You talk about difficult! There was a multitude of stuff to move, but we got it done. I'm glad this friend is out of the environment he was in. Yikes!
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Independence
Happy Fourth of July to all!
Some people travel on the holiday weekend, some visit other cities. This fourth of July I am celebrating the nation's independence and my own! We are having a get together at our house for the holiday. Fried chicken (homemade), cheeseburgers, hot dogs, and more will be served. I am so excited for my friends, new and old, to come over to celebrate. There will be a cornhole tournament (with trophies involved)and other planned activities for all to enjoy. The fireworks that the city park does will be seen from the backyard. You can't get any better! Relaxing, unwinding, and laughing - I can't wait.
Some people travel on the holiday weekend, some visit other cities. This fourth of July I am celebrating the nation's independence and my own! We are having a get together at our house for the holiday. Fried chicken (homemade), cheeseburgers, hot dogs, and more will be served. I am so excited for my friends, new and old, to come over to celebrate. There will be a cornhole tournament (with trophies involved)and other planned activities for all to enjoy. The fireworks that the city park does will be seen from the backyard. You can't get any better! Relaxing, unwinding, and laughing - I can't wait.
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