Memories

Some memories are not ones I care to remember. Today I got a wake-up call that flooded my mind and heart with heavy memories. I just got back from attending a wake for my "Uncle" (father of my cousin, but was never actually married to my aunt. Sure, any kind of death is never fun, but this was different. He took his own life. Being in the funeral home for the reasons that I was there was overwhelming considering my grandfather took his own life, too, many years ago. Those kinds of feelings from memory never go away. And when they are resurrected, it is haunting. I feel so terrible for my cousin (a ninth grader). How can a child go through a parent's suicide? I can't even imagine. I know how I felt as a grandchild, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I am trying so hard to keep myself together. I didn't really think it would affect me like it is. I knew it was going to be sad, but I didn't realize it would take me back to exactly what I felt all those years ago when grandpa killed himself.
Suicide is the most selfish thing a person could do to others. It is easier to check out and leave others behind to deal with the realities of life than it is to handle grieving for a suicide victim. The person who takes their own life gets to stop the chaos and madness, but the ones left behind only begin their journey when the person they love is gone.
I miss my grandpa more than anyone can imagine. And I am praying for my cousin so that he might have the strength and courage to get through this horrific event in his life. It'll be a daily struggle for a long time, and it will pop up to haunt him often.
I'm so sorry this had to happen to you, Draden.