Not so sure

As a lot of you know, my oldest daughter graduated mid-term from high school back in December. She then attended a local, small college for this past semester getting a jump start on her college credits before going off "away" to college in the fall of 2012. I'm sort of re-thinking our decision a bit. It has been more difficult to now put her in a "transfer student" category in respect to attending a larger, farther away college. It has sucked, quite frankly, to try and get all of this ironed out. Admissions, transfer credits, fees, and more have haunted me in my sleep. I'm over it. I want it to be easier. It's no wonder many people forego college these days; they make it unbearable at times. Grrrrrr.

In the words of

a famous boy band, "It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday." I love that song. The lyrics just popped into my head this morning after I got up. I think I need to listen to some Pandora and find my groove.

Invitations

The invitations are ordered. Mak and I designed her graduation invitations today on Shutterfly.com and ordered them. I'm excited to see them! Now, it will be hell trying to address them all, but I'm sure we'll get it done. One thing checked off the graduation list - yeah! Five thousand more to go...

It's So Hard To

-keep my mouth shut when everything in me screams to let it out
-sleep without being overwhelmed with my "to do" list
-get up in the mornings when my body says, "Stay in bed until at least 8am!"
-find the time to fix dinner when I don't get home until 8pm
-laugh in the face of my grocery bill
-not countdown the days until school is out
-not countdown the days until I leave for Myrtle Beach
-hold back and not go to L.A.
-rely on others
-keep my work clothes on past 3:45pm
-raise three teenage daughters
-keep towels laundered at my house
-try and fit three or more loads of laundry in per day
-eat healthy
-leave a fresh strawberry pie in the frig without eating a piece
-hold a little baby girl and keep from wondering what it was like to have one that tiny
-be still and know that He is God
-smile when expected to
-keep my minutes down on my cell phone when my best friend can't get reception in the boondocks so I have to call her on her home phone
-not gossip
-stay sane

Mark It

Mark it off, ladies and gentlemen! I have crossed off an item on my bucket list! I shot a handgun/pistol this weekend. Woohoo! And, to top it all off, I hit the target I was aiming at. It was quite powerful, and it was loud. I loved it. I want to do it again. This time, I want to go to a shooting range. Over the weekend I just shot outdoors out in the woods. I must say, I enjoyed it. What I forgot was to have someone take my picture doing it. Darn it.
Makaili and I got our Kentucky Derby hats and dresses yesterday, too. She's pretty excited. I just hope it doesn't rain like it has the past two years. I want sunshine so we can wear our attire. It should be fun to start a new tradition with her as an adult. That sounds funny, doesn't it? Me, having an adult daughter. Whew.

Attitude

I need to look at things with a whole new perspective. I need a whole new attitude. Gonna try my hardest to do so.

That numbness

I have that nervous numbness to my legs. They feel like jelly. Noodle legs, some call it. I don't like that feeling. I can't seem to make it go away. To top it all off, I feel like I could puke. Too much going on, I guess.
Cam got ninth out of about 16 girls in the Jeffersonville Invitational today. I was a bundle of nerves the entire meet. I get more nervous than she does. She's favoring her knee and just doesn't seem comfortable on it yet. I hope that goes away. The brace sort of restricts her, I think. I don't know. I just want it all to go away and for her to get back to normal. She has so much potential. I want it so badly for her. It is hard to watch your kids go through some things. This is one of them. Where's my magic wand when I need one? The coaches are throwing around the idea of sitting her out next Thursday, which is a home meet. I don't really want that. They spoke of compromising and letting her not do the glide, just doing a power throw for shotput. I really don't know how I feel about that. I guess it's better than not throwing at all. What to do, what to do... I think we will talk to the physical therapist Wednesday and see what she says. I don't want to backslide any further.
She needs some small victories to build her confidence again. She feels she's slipped since this injury. I don't like her feeling that way. She's better than that stinkin' thinkin'.

Grads

I have soooo much to do before graduation comes. I feel overwhelmed. This to plan, that to buy, those to print. Ugh. Is there anyone to help? I feel like there should be a "graduation planner" out there for me.

My head is spinning. Can someone please make it stop? While you're at it, make the knot in my stomach go away, too, please. Thank you.

Flying

Time is flying by. My spring break has been going so quickly. It's like trying to fit in five weeks worth of time off into one. I did have a blast going to see South Pacific, the musical, at IU Tuesday night. My friends and I stayed up until 6:30am! Last time I did that, someone fixed eggs for me on command. We didn't have any eggs this time.
I've spent hours at doctor's offices and physical therapy for Cam. Good news is that her knee can be active with physical therapy and a brace. It'll be a long four weeks in that thing, but she's managing well. The true test will be her two meets and an invitational this coming week. That's a lot of activity for it in a short amount of time! I hope she does well. She was doing great before the two weeks off. I hope she comes back up to speed quickly.

Say Your Prayers

Say prayers for my daughter, Cam, today. She is going to the orthopedic doctor about her knee. I'm so nervous.
On a good note, I got the office cleaned out. Day one of spring break, success, I guess. I found multiple picture frames I had purchased (I knew they were in here somewhere). Now to print Mak's senior pics and get them in there! So much to do, so little money and time.

It's Official

I'm on spring break. As of 3:15pm. C'mon!

It's a good thing

It's a good thing Mak and I didn't buy John Mayer tickets. He cancelled his tour. He's got some throat issues going on again, so he had to cancel. Man, that stinks, doesn't it? I guess it was meant to be that we got Dave Matthews tickets instead of John Mayer. I'm okay with that. I wasn't at first, but now I am. Get well, John Mayer! I'm still a loyal Pandora fan of yours. Your station is great!

Heartbreak

Getting your heart broken is a difficult experience to go through. There are many levels of heartbreak, too. There are those quick heartbreaks where something is said to you, and it stings to the core of your being. You replay that line(s) over and over in your mind, and your heart hurts because of it. Then, on the other end of the spectrum there is that gut-wrenching heartbreak - the one that makes you feel like you've been turned upside down on a roller coaster, about to vomit or pass out. Neither is easy to deal with, in my opinion. A heartache is a heartache, right? And heartbreak has been known to resurface its pretty little head when you least expect it. That's the real "pow" of it all. Heartbreak sits right down and slaps you across the face to get your attention. It's ruthless like that. Well, the sting is burning my face.

Hurt

No parent wants to see thier child hurt. That thought is compounded when that injury takes them out of a sport, or two. In my child's case, she will be out of soccer AND track. Don't know what's going on for sure yet, but awaiting a phone call from Southern Indiana Orthopedics for an appointment, hopefully toward the beginning of next week. I'm scared, anxious, and more. When something goes wrong with someone's knee, it usually isn't good news. I'm hoping physical therapy might cure what ails her. I'm almost sure they'll want to do an MRI. Nervous about that, too. I'm just a bundle of nerves, here. For now, out for a week or so until we see the orthopedic doc. Keep your fingers crossed. I want "not so bad" news. It makes me truly uncomfortable knowing my kid is hurt. I don't like it one bit.

Music

I listen to Pandora almost every day during my prep. I love it. It's almost like I can't concentrate on my work without it. There are times when a song will come on, unexpectedly, and change me. I might become happy, sad, nostalgic, or whatever may come over me at the time. Certain songs take you to certain places in your life. That's one of the things I love about music; it can take you to a different place. I love the piano parts in Adele's music. They sweep me off my feet. I swoon over things like that. I had one of those moments today. I was whisked away to another place and time. Time traveling -- I like that.

Beautiful

It was beautiful outside today. Why can't it be this way every day? Where can I move to that has this weather 365 days a year? Sign me up!

Write it Down

I'm a natural letter writer. I've written so many letters in my lifetime, many of which I never send. I've written letters at my desk at school before, and then sat there and ripped them up into little tiny bits over my trashcan. Some I have put in my desk drawer at school, only to toss them at a later date. And yet others, I've either hand delivered, or have sent them in the mail. I will also write in cards. I use all of that empty space on the inside flap to jabber and communicate to others. I love getting communication back, too. It makes my heart go flip-flop if I get a letter in the mail or via email. I want to know what others are thinking or what's going on in their lives. I love that bond that letters create.
However, there are times when so much is floating around in my brain that I am speechless. Sometimes the words just won't come out. I don't enjoy those times. Those times make me feel like my hands are tied. Good thing I don't have trouble speaking, or seeing, or hearing. I would really feel insane, then.
What I guess I'm getting at is that I could write a thousand letters. And I would love to receive a thousand back. But there are just some letters you can't write. And then there are those that you can write, but just can't send.

14

Fourteen years ago today, my baby was brought into this world. It's hard to believe she's fourteen.

Frustration

I get so frustrated sometimes that it makes my head hurt - literally. Why do I do this? I know I have to be the one to take care of me, because no one else will. I have to be the one to get things done. I have to be the one who...I have to be the one who...I have to be the one who...

And it sucks.

End of story.