Wonder When?

I wonder when it all becomes "me, me, me" for ME? To others' advantage, though, I don't make it all about ME. Given that, others get to walk all over me. I'm quite tired of it, frankly.
Perhaps I will start being a shitty mother. Will that get me some help? Will that make others WANT to help me? Seems as though if you are a deadbeat dad or mom, someone with some sense steps in and makes the grand effort that gets your kids out of the slums. Perhaps that is what I need to strive for?
I'm praying, Lord, I'm praying. But the thoughts still invade my head. I can't get past it. Trying, but can't. I need help. I don't want to be like some other moms and dads and just let my kids be another statistic. But, that's the hard way, isn't it? The easy way is to just sit back and let someone else take over.

Demonstrative Adjectives

Not that anyone who dislikes grammar would remember from the good old school days, there are things called demonstrative pronouns that I find rather easy to grasp. One feature of the demostratives is that they can act as adjectives OR as pronouns, depending on how they are used in a sentence. I was teaching this lesson today to my middle schoolers. One caution that I tried to convey was the use of the not-uncommon "this here" and "them there". (We do live in a rural area...) Most of my students snickered. I thought they would, naturally. They snickered because they here it or say it all the time. I simply tried to reiterate that we don't need to approach our grammar lessons like we speak. Many people, I told them again, do not speak in standard English. We often hear things that may sound right, but aren't grammatically correct.
Though I don't think they got it for the long haul, we'll see on our graded homework if they at least got it for the forty-two minutes I have them. I'm crossing my fingers!

Weigh In

So, I have been trying to weigh myself at the same time daily. What I come up with is this: I am weighing in around 145-147 lbs. now. I am so thrilled! I have been working very hard at it.
I'm quite concerned about the holidays coming up, though. I don't want to cheat myself, but I don't want to compile Thanksgiving AND Christmas and put on some pounds that I've worked so hard to get off. Portion control, I know, but I'm so easily tempted. I love food!
I'll just continue to work out and add more time onto my workout if needed. That's how I'll have to look at it, I guess.
Wish me luck!

3 things

Three things I'm grateful for:
1. My independence.
2. My freedom from scrutiny.
3. God's grace.

What the heck, let's list a few more:
4. My daughters.
5. My mom's sobriety.
6. Food on the table.
7. A roof over our heads.
8. My job.
9. The beautiful fall scenery.

Pumpkin Muffins

I have this recipe for pumpkin muffins that I made a couple of months ago. My oldest daughter normally doesn't really like baked pumpkin items, except for pumpkin pie, so I didn't think she'd like these muffins. Boy, was I wrong! She has begged me to make them several times. Today I did. I just took one batch out of the oven and put the last one in. The house smells of delicious baking aromas. I love that smell.
It reminds me of my grandma.

Fall

Fall break has officially begun! Hair colored, Cam's sports physical, some cleaning, laundry, and perhaps baking something. I'm sure to accomplish something, no?

In Honor of the 36 years...

36 things I've learned:
1. Sometimes it's okay to have a piece of cake.
2. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Don't skip it.
3. As Mrs. Lane says, "They're ALL God's children."
4. Never let good friends go.
5. Recipes from The Food Network usually turn out delicious. Try one!
6. It feels good to lose weight if you need to.
7. Writing is cathartic.
8. With God, all things are possible.
9. Patience often feels difficult to come by.
10. When in doubt, pray.
11. Don't ever look back.
12. Mistakes are made so that we can learn from them, not for punishment.
13. There is happiness in the simplicities of life.
14. A hug is worth millions!
15. Live for today - not for yesterday and not for tomorrow.
16. Don't sweat the small stuff.
17. Reading is a journey.
18. Students' immaturity goes a long way.
19. It's too bad parenting doesn't come with a manual.
20. I love Target!
21. I do not like Wal-Mart.
22. Reese Cups are slices of heaven.
23. Walking and jogging are great stress relievers and are a necessary part of life.
24. Nikes are the best running shoes for me.
25. It's good to sweat sometimes.
26. Friends are a necessity for sanity.
27. The word "courage" is a loaded word.
28. Networking with other writers is awesome, and the relationships formed can last a lifetime.
29. I still want to publish a book.
30. Music is a big part of my life. It can move me.
31. I love my mom being clean and sober!
32. Never give up!
33. Our children will always be our children, even as adults.
34. The beach is calling me!
35. Smiling takes less muscle than frowning.
36. Life is good.

Happy Birthday to Me

Well, I didn't really believe I'd see thirty, but now I am a whoppping 36 years old today. I think later I'll post 36 things I've learned in my lifetime or some quirky thing like that. . .

The Hunger Games

I am currently reading a young adult novel titled The Hunger Games. This is a novel packed full of suspense and anticipation. It reads more like an adult novel than a young adult one. There is already another novel in the series in hardback which I will be ordering from my language arts class's book club. We are trying, as a whole, to read 100 books so that Peyton Manning will donate a million books to needy children. This is a competition through Scholastic Book Clubs that faces Eli and Peyton Manning off in a healthy, worthwhile competition where classes across the nation pick one side or another having needy kids be the ultimate winners. What more could you ask for? Books are an invaluable part of my life, and it is my hope that more young adults pick up the reading habit. It's a good habit to have!
Tonight I go to my Survivor Book Club meeting at the middle school where I am off to discuss a recent book I have read along with middle schoolers who have also read the book. Then, I will make a booktalk presentation to the group in hopes that some will choose to read what I have read again so we can discuss the themes, characters, and more next month. Won't you join in and catch the reading bug, too?
What good books have YOU read lately? I'm always looking to add to my list...

Upset

I'm very upset about something...
During the summer when I was taking an intense writing course, I wrote all the time AND it was good stuff. Amazing stuff. Since school started, I have not written much, and when I do, it isn't at all good. I can't seem to find my center - the place where the meat and potatoes writing comes from in me. I'm beginining to wonder what happened. Why can't I seem to get to the spot where my most emotional, raw writing comes from? I almost feel cheated somehow. It's like something has come and taken my muse away. And I want it back. I need it back. It's my lifeline.

Chicago and such

This year as my daughter's sixth grade overnight trip, the students are going to Chicago. It is an annual tradition where she attends school. Tomorrow the students begin selling candles to try and raise money toward their "expensive" trip.
My mom and dad are enjoying a vacation in sunny Myrtle Beach right now. Mom texted us today saying she was sitting listening to the ocean and that it was quite quiet and peaceful. Wish I was there!
Today we had torrential downpours here. Just a lazy day watching football and doing laundry for us. Tomorrow begins another work week.

Labor Day

Over this long weekend, I have spent much time with friends. It was a good weekend. One of the highlights of the weekend was seeing old friends that we haven't seen in months and brunch with a group of tight-knit friends this morning.
Our brunch was awesome! Everyone pitched in and brought a dish. Some of the items included the following: sausage biscuits and gravy, fresh fruit, cinammon rolls, blueberry muffins, eggs, pancakes, bacon, and hashbrown casserole. Since I am watching what I eat, I really had to curb the temptation to go all out, eating whatever I wanted. I didn't. I had small portions of most of the items. I did not eat cinammon rolls, pancakes, an entire biscuit, etc. I tried to stay with the better parts of the brunch food items. Believe me, it wasn't easy!
Last evening I made a huge pot of chili and had a big group of friends over. We played a game called "Left, right, center" most of the night. It is a really easy, fun game that gets people excited. You can't help but get a bit perturbed at giving away your chips to your neighbor! It was good to see our friends from Columbus that we haven't seen in months. We all had a great time. I was tired today.
Well, with today off we have a short work week ahead. I have survivor book club at school Tuesday night, but am looking forward to only working four days! Happy Labor Day to all.

Home

My mom is now home for good. She got back Friday night. My family went to see her on Sunday evening, and I have talked with her on the phone every day since she arrived home. I have seen her all but two days. Sunday night we had a taco dinner at mom's with my dad cooking the meal. I know!! How crazy is that?! We watched the last game of the little league world series and ate tacos. Mine was chicken taco salad; no red meat, of course. It was tasty. It felt good knowing that I didn't cave to greasy food that would leave me feeling bogged down and sick to my stomach.
Cam and I went to the doctor on Tuesday. We both have sinus infections. The doctor couldn't believe I waited twelve days before going to an appointment. Couldn't help it. Couldn't miss work. So, the antibiotics have had time to kick in and I feel much better.
Last night I went to a meeting with mom at my church. It is called Celebrate Recovery. At one point, we both were crying, naturally. It was good to get to spend time with her in that capacity. A bit of healing time. I think we'll go back again. It is really powerful when music can move you. An associate pastor at my church is just simply gifted with music talents. He has been offered some really amazing record deals, but he has declined them because it wasn't what was right for his life at the time, he said. ( I did the website's biographies for the staff of the church - inside information.) That man can move me to tears. I love to just sit and listen to him and the other members play. It can be transforming.
Off to get dinner completed!

Against the wind

We have been battling an entire household of sickness. Beyond that, the school where I teach is battling sickness as well. Tomorrow I must take off work to take both my daughter and myself to the doctor. She and I continue to have fevers. I guess that tells me we won't get over whatever we have without antibiotics. It has been over a week for me and just at a week for her.
Stay away swine flu! We don't want any part of that! You know it's bad when the principal of our school went around Friday handing out Germex hand gel for every classroom. . .

What a girl wants

I want to weigh 150 lbs. or less. My ideal weight would be 140-145. I'm not sure I'll get there, but I'm damn trying. Last night when I weighed myself, the scales dipped below 160. Now, that might be misleading because weight can fluctuate throughout the day. I could have caught myself at a good time. (You are supposed to weigh yourself the same time every day.)
So, back to the race. . .

In the pit of my stomach

I have been fine the entire summer thinking about the start of school; how I had one year of teaching yearbook class under my belt...yadda, yadda, yadda. Yesterday while working in my room, a wave of panic came over me. I don't feel prepared. I don't feel very confident in the start of another yearbook class.
In the first few weeks, there is not much to focus on during the actual class time we have for yearbook. Sure, a few people can be working on something, but not the entire class, therefore it leaves room for a few things. Boredom, acting out, idle hands and idle minds. I don't like the thought of that. I just don't. So, I bust my own chops about 'what are you going to do'? And I don't like the answers I come up with. They make me nervous. So, I am still riding this wave of insecurity and panic today. I didn't sleep well last night because of it.
I guess I'll just go with the flow.

Back at it

Well, I'm up and raring to go. Not. I am awake, including all the times I awakened during the middle of the night and looked at the clock, calculating just how little sleep I was going to get. I'll crash about 4:30pm today. The thought hit me this morning while I was putting on my perfume of just how difficult times are to come. The winter is on its way with the beginning of school. First there's football season; then comes minimal amounts of daylight. I am NOT looking forward to those mornings when I must get up, shower, get dressed, and go out to start the car so it can warm up and thaw the layer of frozen goodness off the windshield. Can't you feel the cold air already???
Today is chalked full of meetings. I hope my eyelids cooperate - I'll take two toothpicks just in case.

ONLY A FEW MORE DAYS

There are only a few more days of summer left before school resumes. Tonight will entail a dart "tournament" get together with friends. It will sort of be the close to the summer as we know it. I start back to school on Tuesday with the students starting on Thursday of next week. Yesterday I worked orientation for seventh graders for a few hours. I was seriously exhausted afterward. It'll be a looooooong week next week for me, I can tell.
Mom has her sixty days clean and sober on Monday. I am so proud of her. She'll get a new, different colored chip on Monday. She is proud of herself as well. I'm ready for her to come home. It seems like she's been gone a long time. (metaphorically she has)
I have been reading voraciously. I'm trying to cram things in before school starts. It's not working. I haven't read all the books from my summer class that were purchased by the school yet. I'm hurrying, though...

weekend visit

Mom got to come home on an overnight pass yesterday. She and dad stopped by today so we could visit with her a little while. She looks good; she says she has lost some weight. She weighs in at 104 pounds right now. She looks good, though, not a sickly 104. I went through a short conversation about how I seriously could not remember EVER weighing under 125 pounds in my lifetime. And I meant it. At my smallest (in memory) I was never small. I was a cheerleader, basketball player (some of high school), and active, yet my weight was not miniscule. I lied on my driver's license for years, stating I weighed 120. That was a total lie.
So hearing of my mother's low weight kind of threw me for a loop. Here I am struggling like I am the addict trying to overcome my demons with not being able to lose weight. Seems odd.
Dad will take mom back tonight. I'm afraid she has confided in me that she is ready to go back. That in itself is a scary statement. I understand what she means - the safety of the place, her new-found friends, her meetings and support - but that doesn't make it any less painful for me to hear (that she wants to go back).

mindless

Yesterday and the day before, my mind was a jumbled mess. It's like I have been walking around in a fog, unable to truly see well. I can put some feelers out there, but they don't help; I still feel disoriented.
To what do I owe this wonderful feeling? I began to wonder if it is a migraine coming on. I really don't think it is. Am I getting sick? I don't know. I do know that I don't like feeling this way.
Even my emotions are on overload. Well, maybe not so much on overload; maybe it is more of a numb feeling. I've felt like I wanted to be secluded, alone. I haven't really wanted to interact with people much. This, unfortunately, does not work in my life - I am constantly surrounded by others. Perhaps I need a vacation from life. Perhaps I need to get away if even for a day in solitude. How, where, and when that could happen does not show up on the radar. Not possible. So, in the present time, I'll just have to cope.
It doesn't help that I miss my mom.
I talk to her on the phone often, and she is doing very well. With her being clean and a real person again, I miss her. I want to spend time with the mom I once knew who has returned. But she is not finished with her treatment until August 27. She is also homesick, which tugs at my heartstrings.
Oh, so many emotions, so little time to sort them out. . .