Upset

I'm very upset about something...
During the summer when I was taking an intense writing course, I wrote all the time AND it was good stuff. Amazing stuff. Since school started, I have not written much, and when I do, it isn't at all good. I can't seem to find my center - the place where the meat and potatoes writing comes from in me. I'm beginining to wonder what happened. Why can't I seem to get to the spot where my most emotional, raw writing comes from? I almost feel cheated somehow. It's like something has come and taken my muse away. And I want it back. I need it back. It's my lifeline.

Chicago and such

This year as my daughter's sixth grade overnight trip, the students are going to Chicago. It is an annual tradition where she attends school. Tomorrow the students begin selling candles to try and raise money toward their "expensive" trip.
My mom and dad are enjoying a vacation in sunny Myrtle Beach right now. Mom texted us today saying she was sitting listening to the ocean and that it was quite quiet and peaceful. Wish I was there!
Today we had torrential downpours here. Just a lazy day watching football and doing laundry for us. Tomorrow begins another work week.

Labor Day

Over this long weekend, I have spent much time with friends. It was a good weekend. One of the highlights of the weekend was seeing old friends that we haven't seen in months and brunch with a group of tight-knit friends this morning.
Our brunch was awesome! Everyone pitched in and brought a dish. Some of the items included the following: sausage biscuits and gravy, fresh fruit, cinammon rolls, blueberry muffins, eggs, pancakes, bacon, and hashbrown casserole. Since I am watching what I eat, I really had to curb the temptation to go all out, eating whatever I wanted. I didn't. I had small portions of most of the items. I did not eat cinammon rolls, pancakes, an entire biscuit, etc. I tried to stay with the better parts of the brunch food items. Believe me, it wasn't easy!
Last evening I made a huge pot of chili and had a big group of friends over. We played a game called "Left, right, center" most of the night. It is a really easy, fun game that gets people excited. You can't help but get a bit perturbed at giving away your chips to your neighbor! It was good to see our friends from Columbus that we haven't seen in months. We all had a great time. I was tired today.
Well, with today off we have a short work week ahead. I have survivor book club at school Tuesday night, but am looking forward to only working four days! Happy Labor Day to all.

Home

My mom is now home for good. She got back Friday night. My family went to see her on Sunday evening, and I have talked with her on the phone every day since she arrived home. I have seen her all but two days. Sunday night we had a taco dinner at mom's with my dad cooking the meal. I know!! How crazy is that?! We watched the last game of the little league world series and ate tacos. Mine was chicken taco salad; no red meat, of course. It was tasty. It felt good knowing that I didn't cave to greasy food that would leave me feeling bogged down and sick to my stomach.
Cam and I went to the doctor on Tuesday. We both have sinus infections. The doctor couldn't believe I waited twelve days before going to an appointment. Couldn't help it. Couldn't miss work. So, the antibiotics have had time to kick in and I feel much better.
Last night I went to a meeting with mom at my church. It is called Celebrate Recovery. At one point, we both were crying, naturally. It was good to get to spend time with her in that capacity. A bit of healing time. I think we'll go back again. It is really powerful when music can move you. An associate pastor at my church is just simply gifted with music talents. He has been offered some really amazing record deals, but he has declined them because it wasn't what was right for his life at the time, he said. ( I did the website's biographies for the staff of the church - inside information.) That man can move me to tears. I love to just sit and listen to him and the other members play. It can be transforming.
Off to get dinner completed!

Against the wind

We have been battling an entire household of sickness. Beyond that, the school where I teach is battling sickness as well. Tomorrow I must take off work to take both my daughter and myself to the doctor. She and I continue to have fevers. I guess that tells me we won't get over whatever we have without antibiotics. It has been over a week for me and just at a week for her.
Stay away swine flu! We don't want any part of that! You know it's bad when the principal of our school went around Friday handing out Germex hand gel for every classroom. . .

What a girl wants

I want to weigh 150 lbs. or less. My ideal weight would be 140-145. I'm not sure I'll get there, but I'm damn trying. Last night when I weighed myself, the scales dipped below 160. Now, that might be misleading because weight can fluctuate throughout the day. I could have caught myself at a good time. (You are supposed to weigh yourself the same time every day.)
So, back to the race. . .

In the pit of my stomach

I have been fine the entire summer thinking about the start of school; how I had one year of teaching yearbook class under my belt...yadda, yadda, yadda. Yesterday while working in my room, a wave of panic came over me. I don't feel prepared. I don't feel very confident in the start of another yearbook class.
In the first few weeks, there is not much to focus on during the actual class time we have for yearbook. Sure, a few people can be working on something, but not the entire class, therefore it leaves room for a few things. Boredom, acting out, idle hands and idle minds. I don't like the thought of that. I just don't. So, I bust my own chops about 'what are you going to do'? And I don't like the answers I come up with. They make me nervous. So, I am still riding this wave of insecurity and panic today. I didn't sleep well last night because of it.
I guess I'll just go with the flow.

Back at it

Well, I'm up and raring to go. Not. I am awake, including all the times I awakened during the middle of the night and looked at the clock, calculating just how little sleep I was going to get. I'll crash about 4:30pm today. The thought hit me this morning while I was putting on my perfume of just how difficult times are to come. The winter is on its way with the beginning of school. First there's football season; then comes minimal amounts of daylight. I am NOT looking forward to those mornings when I must get up, shower, get dressed, and go out to start the car so it can warm up and thaw the layer of frozen goodness off the windshield. Can't you feel the cold air already???
Today is chalked full of meetings. I hope my eyelids cooperate - I'll take two toothpicks just in case.

ONLY A FEW MORE DAYS

There are only a few more days of summer left before school resumes. Tonight will entail a dart "tournament" get together with friends. It will sort of be the close to the summer as we know it. I start back to school on Tuesday with the students starting on Thursday of next week. Yesterday I worked orientation for seventh graders for a few hours. I was seriously exhausted afterward. It'll be a looooooong week next week for me, I can tell.
Mom has her sixty days clean and sober on Monday. I am so proud of her. She'll get a new, different colored chip on Monday. She is proud of herself as well. I'm ready for her to come home. It seems like she's been gone a long time. (metaphorically she has)
I have been reading voraciously. I'm trying to cram things in before school starts. It's not working. I haven't read all the books from my summer class that were purchased by the school yet. I'm hurrying, though...

weekend visit

Mom got to come home on an overnight pass yesterday. She and dad stopped by today so we could visit with her a little while. She looks good; she says she has lost some weight. She weighs in at 104 pounds right now. She looks good, though, not a sickly 104. I went through a short conversation about how I seriously could not remember EVER weighing under 125 pounds in my lifetime. And I meant it. At my smallest (in memory) I was never small. I was a cheerleader, basketball player (some of high school), and active, yet my weight was not miniscule. I lied on my driver's license for years, stating I weighed 120. That was a total lie.
So hearing of my mother's low weight kind of threw me for a loop. Here I am struggling like I am the addict trying to overcome my demons with not being able to lose weight. Seems odd.
Dad will take mom back tonight. I'm afraid she has confided in me that she is ready to go back. That in itself is a scary statement. I understand what she means - the safety of the place, her new-found friends, her meetings and support - but that doesn't make it any less painful for me to hear (that she wants to go back).

mindless

Yesterday and the day before, my mind was a jumbled mess. It's like I have been walking around in a fog, unable to truly see well. I can put some feelers out there, but they don't help; I still feel disoriented.
To what do I owe this wonderful feeling? I began to wonder if it is a migraine coming on. I really don't think it is. Am I getting sick? I don't know. I do know that I don't like feeling this way.
Even my emotions are on overload. Well, maybe not so much on overload; maybe it is more of a numb feeling. I've felt like I wanted to be secluded, alone. I haven't really wanted to interact with people much. This, unfortunately, does not work in my life - I am constantly surrounded by others. Perhaps I need a vacation from life. Perhaps I need to get away if even for a day in solitude. How, where, and when that could happen does not show up on the radar. Not possible. So, in the present time, I'll just have to cope.
It doesn't help that I miss my mom.
I talk to her on the phone often, and she is doing very well. With her being clean and a real person again, I miss her. I want to spend time with the mom I once knew who has returned. But she is not finished with her treatment until August 27. She is also homesick, which tugs at my heartstrings.
Oh, so many emotions, so little time to sort them out. . .

Letter from Mom

I got a letter in the mail from my mom today. It was two pages of lined notebook paper front and back. It was good to read her writing, as if she was talking to me or sitting next to me perhaps drinking a cup of coffee.
(I sent her a card a week or so ago, but this is the first letter I have received from her since she's been in treatment. The girls and I have gone to see her once, whereas my dad has gone to see her several times.)
There were several interesting aspects to the letter. First, mom wrote in the letter about her excitement. I haven't seen her have excitement for anything in a very long time. She even said that on Sunday when dad came up to see her, it was as if it were their first date. That melted my heart. Secondly, there was a poem of sorts she included in there that was given to her in the program speaking of motivation called "Even Though" by Ralph Marston. This little poem was striking. I can just see her reading it and being her own cheerleader. Another thing in the letter that struck me was that she spoke of a meeting she attended where the participants had to write a condensed version of their recovery and make it so people would want to read it. Mom and the other attendees made book jackets and titles for the "books" and even had to go to the front of the room as if on Oprah or some talk show where they had to answer questions about their books as if they were bestsellers. My mom loved this, she said. The counselor even praised her repeatedly on her job well done. He told her that her book was "so deep", then proceeded to spin her around to the entire audience and tell them how he just wanted to scoop her up and for everyone to take a good look at her. She felt on top of the world! I can only imagine how she felt validated - for her writing to matter to someone. I have had that feeling a few times and there is no high like that high a person can feel if they love the written word like I do. Lastly, mom copied her goodbye letter to pain pills for me to read. As I have had time to process it and re-read it more than once, I am moved by it. It's not that it is loaded with impressive vocabulary or painted with heavy descriptive words; it is that it's raw and expressive. It brings me to tears. I'm ready to have my old mom back - the one who wrote this letter to me that I received in the mail today.

Failure to post

I had this big post yesterday that would not post, so the info was lost because I did not save a draft before trying the post.
What it said was that I am changing my eating lifestyle and my physical fitness lifestyle. Today is the first day I have not gone on a thirty minute jog/walk for over a week. My legs feel like jell-o and my head is swimming. Sinus pressure. Feel terrible. I'm sure it is from stress. Can't seem to get away from it! *So many things I want to say, but don't want to risk giving someone pleasurable reading material.

What happened to getting groceries being a luxury? What happened to several payments being behind on things? What happened to desperately needing money? You see, my dear readers, there seems to be some talking out of both sides of one's mouth going on here. And franly, people don't like that. My prayers include people who talk out of both sides of their mouths; they include people who trespass against me; and they include my own anger and the anger of others; they also include liars, fakers, cheaters.
Those prayers aren't easy ones to pray, but necessary.

Horsey

Last evening my dad treated us to a little road trip. He knew it was on my bucket list to see a live horse race. (I particularly want to go to the KY Derby one day, but a live horse race will suffice for now.) Since there were only three days left of thoroughbred horse racing at Indiana Downs, we decided to go last night. It was a great evening for outdoor activities. We had a good time despite not winning with the small bets we put down. Dad, Whitey, and I were betting for the girls since they aren't 18 yet. I'm telling you, it is NOT a science. Odds change with the drop of a hat, jockeys get hot and cold quickly, and the horses have minds of their own despite their running records. They definitely live in the moment, taking in all that is around them. Sights, sounds, movements, touch - they sense it all and will run accordingly. That is why betting is pretty much a roadspan of luck. Sometimes you run on the straight and narrow and find your way to the payoff in the end, and sometimes you can see the end, but can't get to the prize. Betting on a horse is dabbling in fate.
Some of the names of the horses were grand - Snicklebritches(winner), Watchmeshakeit (winner), My Sassy Girl, Sugar Cube a Holic, and Chaffed Lips. I think I want to get a horse just to name it something catchy and corny. (Maybe then the grass wouldn't need mowed either!) Syd said she'd name hers Grease Lightning, Rockin' Robin, Racin' Ruby, or Speed Racer. Guess where she got most of these names??? Movies.
Cammi would name hers(if it was female) Dirty Girl; if it was male, she'd name it Chimichanga. Catchy!
Maybe mine would be Weightaminute, Pristine Princess, Jabberwocky, or Romeo's Rose. I could do this all day.
*Sydney's late comment came in as follows: "Wouldn't it be sad if someone named theirs 'Glue'?"

A Do Run Run

I love the library. I am a closet librarian, I believe. When people give booktalks in any given conference I attend, my heart races at the thought of delving into a new book to read and then sharing it with someone else. Since I do love the library, I try to go there often. School is out, so I went to the local public library the other day.
At the public library, there is much to be desired by way of new books, displaying popular reads, and really selling the library's package. If I were running the show there, changes would surely be made. Anyway, that's not what I am here to talk about. I am here to speak of the book I checked out.
I checked out a Runner's World published book about beginning running. I read the first three chapters the night I got it. This got me thinking, after knowing how bad my weight is and so on, that I really need to begin some walking then running. So, today, I walked/jogged for thirty minutes. And, so it begins.

5 things I'm grateful for

1. My intelligence
2. Healthy children
3. Grace and forgiveness
4. My resurrected friendships
5. Sunshine

Sweet Nothings

There are only a few weeks of my "summer vacation" left before school starts again. Those of you keeping up with me know that since I had to take a grad class, my summer vacation just started last week. (not even a full week, as I might say) So, given those facts, my vacation is not really a vacation at all. Why not? you ask. Well, think of it like this:
If a teacher has to put off all appointments like dental, vision, etc. during the school year, she then waits for summer to come so that she can make those appointments during normal business hours like from 8-4. That means her summer vacation would be the best time to get an appointment like mentioned so that she doesn't have to take off work or take her kids out of school to do routine things. Trying to then cram all of those appts. for four people into less than three weeks is what I'm up against. Before I know it, I will be forming lesson plans for the beginning of the school year, taking up precious hours of my vacation time. So, if you are keeping track, and I think you aren't, my summer is cut down to only a couple of weeks of days off. That's not nearly enough for me. Sure, I love my job, don't get me wrong. But some nice summer days is what many teachers look forward to. When a teacher is robbed of those, it seems like she has been cheated.

My oldest daughter is driving now. She has her permit and is taking driver's ed as of this past Monday. Yesterday she drove to a town near us about fifteen miles away and then drove back as well. She did great, actually! I am and was worried. I guess it is a normal motherly reaction to your child driving?! I am paranoid about my kids being in a car accident, so it grates on my nerves to think about all of the possibilities...
I got to visit with a friend yesterday. It was quite nice. This friend has been on weight watchers and has lost forty pounds. Man, am I envious! I need to follow in the footsteps of said friend. Difficult, though.
I helped another friend move on Monday. You talk about difficult! There was a multitude of stuff to move, but we got it done. I'm glad this friend is out of the environment he was in. Yikes!

Independence

Happy Fourth of July to all!
Some people travel on the holiday weekend, some visit other cities. This fourth of July I am celebrating the nation's independence and my own! We are having a get together at our house for the holiday. Fried chicken (homemade), cheeseburgers, hot dogs, and more will be served. I am so excited for my friends, new and old, to come over to celebrate. There will be a cornhole tournament (with trophies involved)and other planned activities for all to enjoy. The fireworks that the city park does will be seen from the backyard. You can't get any better! Relaxing, unwinding, and laughing - I can't wait.

trip

I am going to see my mom in treatment today for the first time.
My girls are going with me.
My father is driving us.

Approaching

We are settling down in the approach to the homestretch for my grad class. I am so glad I have written as much as I have. I'm so glad that I have made friends to bounce ideas off of. I'm so glad I got to meet some very intelligent instructors, and I'm so glad my work is almost complete for the requirements of the class.
I'm not happy about having to be finished with the class. I'm going to miss it, to be totally honest. I won't miss the commute - one hour one way - but the other aspects I will miss.
Soon I'll post some samples of what I wrote while in the class. Soon.