trip

I am going to see my mom in treatment today for the first time.
My girls are going with me.
My father is driving us.

Approaching

We are settling down in the approach to the homestretch for my grad class. I am so glad I have written as much as I have. I'm so glad that I have made friends to bounce ideas off of. I'm so glad I got to meet some very intelligent instructors, and I'm so glad my work is almost complete for the requirements of the class.
I'm not happy about having to be finished with the class. I'm going to miss it, to be totally honest. I won't miss the commute - one hour one way - but the other aspects I will miss.
Soon I'll post some samples of what I wrote while in the class. Soon.

Dear Addiction, Part 2

The other day I wrote a letter to my mother's addiction in my writing class. I read it to someone yesterday for the first time. The person cried. And so did I. Here is a second letter, influenced by my conversation with my mother on the phone last night...

Dear Addiction,
It seems your importance has diminished by leaps and bounds. My mother is breaking out of your cocoon you had around her. She now sees light, truth, and hope. For that, I'm thankful.
Since you don't have such power over my mother any more, she is able to backtrack over her memories, or what she has left of them. She realizes just how long you and she had your little love affair. Though she couldn't say the actual words, she was aware that you two have been together, entwined, for twenty-one years. That's a fourth of a lifetime. I'm sure you aren't happy about this new arrangement. I'm sure you are panicking and latching on to any last minute hope that you and my mother may be together again. I'm praying every day you are out of our lives forever.
Sure, it won't be easy. We'll have to help her fight you daily, perhaps even hourly. Taking one hour at a time, one day at a time, will be the strongfast hold she can have to put you at bay. I'll help her do just that. You see, last night was the first real conversation I have had with mother in so long. She sounded happy and clear-headed. She feels some independence, and it makes her giddy.
So, addiction, say goodbye. Feel endangered. Give up.
Sincerely,
Nina Shoultz
daughter of someone special

...and I said, "NO, No, NO"...

There's an Amy Winehouse song called "REhab". The lyrics referenced above were my mother's mantra for many years. She would not be happy reading this, but sometimes there are things we must write about when the muse strikes us. Now is that time.
My prescription medication addicted mother went into rehab on her own free will last Thursday. This was the same day I was to give my demo lesson in front of a class full of graduate students. Since I am in an intensive grad course, I was unable to go with my father to take my mother to her destination. I was secured in New Albany, nowhere near the northeast side of Indianapolis, so I was cut off from the day's events.
I talked to my mom on Sat. afternoon. It is the first time she has sounded human in years. An on and off addiction of twenty years has taken her away from us. It almost sounded as if she may return when I talked with her a couple of days ago. I hope so, because it has been too long. I had resigned myself to the thought process of not having a living mother. That sounds incredibly harsh and unempathetic. Folks, believe me when I tell you that the aformentioned is a coping mechanism that some resort to in the extreme cases. This was one of those cases.
When users go so far, it gets pretty unbearable for the survivors of the usage to sit back and watch. I was one of those survivors; I no longer wanted to partake in watching my mother's demise. So, I didn't. I cut myself off from her as much as I could.
I'm ready for her to come back to life.

School Days

I have one week of school under my belt. I've written many things - I've written about college, my girls, my grandmothers, The Heilman's who lived down the road from me while I was growing up, and someone's addiction. Going through many memories this week and writing about them has actually been quite exhausting. Plus, I must drive an hour one way to get to class, so that is tiring as well.
Some good friends of ours left at 4am this morning for Florida. I'm so jealous. They'll be staying on a white, sandy beach while I am here in crappy Indiana. It looks as though a trip to see my dad is out of the question. He is coming up here, though, so we'll at least get to visit with him a little bit.
I miss my teacher friends from school. The ones I ate lunch with every day are greatly missed. The laughter was much needed during the school day. Now, I miss laughing with them just out of pure fun. I've seen a few of them here and there and have gotten together with a couple of them sporadically. I need a big get together to catch up with them all!
A week from this Sunday is Father's Day! Don't forget to remember your Dads.

tomorrow, tomorrow...

I start my class tomorrow. My TWO WHOLE DAYS OFF are over.
Though it kind of seems overwhelming, it is sort of exciting at the same time. I love to write, so I think I'll like the class. I'm banking on it being cathartic.

Speechless

The show was simply amazing. Those who go see it will understand when I say you don't want it to end. It's that good.
The music is phenomenal. It is the kind of music that makes a person want to sing if they can't. I must admit, my eyes teared up several times, but for many reasons.
Let's examine them:
1. When people can sing, it brings tears to my eyes.
2. Music moves me.
3. The musical nudged my acting bug, which seems to be nudged more and more as time passes.
4. The themes in this musical impact audience members.
5. My love (and my girls') for The Wizard of Oz made me love this musical. It is sort of a prequel to The Wizard of Oz.
6. It made me think back to all of the shows I've seen in the past, either smalltown podunk shows, or grand Broadway shows. I love them all!
7. Makes me sad that I cannot afford season tickets to the Broadway series. Makes me even sadder that I can't take my girls to experience it with me if I were to go.
8. Great acting is mesmerizing to watch (and cry about).
9. Why can't I quit my job to travel and do theater reviews???
10. I cried because I could.

If anyone can get a ticket to see Wicked, either in New York City or not, then do so. You'll be ever amazed and in awe!

Wickedly Welcome

Hold onto your hats!!!

My bucket list just got smaller. . .

I am going to see Wicked on stage tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I will be leaving here shortly when my friend comes to pick me up. We will head to Indy, grab a bite to eat, and enjoy the wonderful music. There are actually quite a few people going, so we should have a jazzy time.
I'll post details at a later date.
Break a leg!!!!

Purpose Driven

I am reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren right now and finished a chapter this week about making bad relationships forgiven, no matter how far back they go. This is not to say the relationship must continue, revamp, or rekindle. This means to make amends; say your peace.
One relationship that I was nudged about while reading was the one with the recent ex husband. Given all that surrounds or surrounded things, I do not want to conjure up feelings, hurts, angers, etc. and contact him. I'm sure he reads this blog, so I'll do it here.
Gabe -
In a relationship, it takes both people to communicate, both to make mistakes, and both to take responsibility for things. I want to tell you that I know that and understand that. NO ONE is perfect. That I know, too. I am a very difficult person to live with. I accept that about myself. So, at this particular time and place, I am making peace with you. That does NOT mean I want to have any type of communication; I just want you to know I forgive both you and myself. Nothing further needs to be done or said, just know that the anger is gone. I want you to find your peace and live how you want to live, as I am doing the same.

Perhaps those interested should read the book as well.

worry

So I am sort of freaking out about my upcoming class. I know I shouldn't; there's really nothing to be afraid of. Despite telling myself that, I am frightened a bit. You see, I have to do what's called a "demo" lesson. This lesson is hands-on for the participants of the writing class. I must demonstrate a writing lesson, having the students (grad students) do whatever writing task I explain. Then, the pieces of writing are displayed for all to see. The demo lesson should be one that these teachers/students can take back and use for their classrooms. Sure, I've had writing lessons I've done before, but I don't want to do one too easy, too disconnected or not meaningful. Help me out, if you can!
I sort of want to do something like Postsecret.com, but???????
(breath deeply, breath deeply, Nina)
Why do we fear failure so much???

Long Weekend

`Thank goodness it's a long weekend.

My Granny called today and invited our whole family over for dinner on Monday night. I think other family members are going to be there as well. Sounds fun! Less than a week left before Thoroughly Modern Millie! I can't wait. I love that musical, and I can't wait to see Cammi in it. She has a great part.

Pizza night tonight. Kids are downstairs watching a movie (number 1 and 3), middle daughter is at a friend's for a while. All is good in the hood.
Our local Mexican restaurant is now back in business after a fire. Can't wait to be treated to a nice margarita there.

Tri-county Champ

My middle daughter, Cammi, is now the Tri-County Shotput Champion!!!! It was great. I am so proud.

There are eight days of school left.

I start my class on June 8.

I found out today that a trip to France is expensive and not on the radar for me - even if it is through school.

I need a part time job (a second job - isn't that sad?)

I can't wait for Cammi's musical next week.

I almost got beat up by a weird, gross, freak of a guy because I stopped to take pictures of an old truck that has sat in a field I go by daily for nine months. He did not like my explanation of why I was taking close up pics of this truck. Seriously, he confronted me, walking closer and closer as he spoke.

I want a quiet day off by myself.

I love sunshine.

Thankful

I am so thankful for all that I have. It is easy to get distracted in this crazy thing we call life - distracted from what is important and real. And today, my friends, I am grateful.
Last night I had the chance to spend the evening with some family and friends. One family member in particular, I haven't spent much time with over the last SEVERAL years. This is a person whom I practically helped raise. When my own girls were little, this "girl" (she's now a woman), was at my house almost every weekend. She was like a daughter to my husband and me. After not really having her in my life for more than five years, I am wonderfully excited that she is back in it now. Last night was great - we laughed, danced, had a great time!
Thank you God for bringing us back together! I selfishly want so much more time with her.
We have something like 12 days of school left. I look forward to the summer. Bring it on!!!!

Tu parle le Francais?

This morning, as I type, there is a sweet smelling aroma coming from the kitchen. No, my children aren't fixing me breakfast for being such a good mother. Yes, breakfast items are being prepared.
Makaili is in French class at school and from time to time, they have cooking days where each student brings in something French related. This time, on their last feast, we tried a new recipe. Creme Brulee French Toast.
The smell is powerful. We all love creme brulees, so we hope it tastes similar. They are coming out of the oven now and I can't wait to try it! (we had to fix two pans - one for school and one for us)
I'll let you know the verdict...

record

Cam threw her best at shotput and discus last night. She outthrows some of the high schoolers here. I guess they aren't very good!
She threw 31' 1" in shot and discus was around 61'.
I am so proud of her. I hope she sticks with it and continues to improve so that next year she can really make those suckers fly!

Mother May I?

I used to love that game. We neighborhood kids would play Mother May I days in a row. Simple game, but fun.
I am a mother. I have been for over fifteen years. Some days I don't really feel like I am, but others the overwhelming awareness zaps me. Many days I feel as though I am a sucky mother. Other days I feel as though I am not. I guess every mother goes through that. One thing I do know is that I do a helluva lot for my kids. And though they may not know it now, I pray they realize it when they get older. (I predict they'll understand it once they have their own children.) Sure, I am moody, bitchy, overwhelmed easily with stress, but I never stop doing for my girls.
Happy Mother's Day to all mothers, but more importantly, those who mother. You know who you are: the women that may or may not have given birth, but continue to give, sacrifice, and love despite all odds.

Rain, Mental Health Days, and Field Trips

Tomorrow a fellow teacher and I will embark on a field trip to Indy. We are taking approx. 30 (out of 125) students who earned this trip. They were to have no grade lower than a C-, have no lunch detentions, period detentions, or write-ups for three weeks prior to last Friday. Like I said, we have only 30 going. My problem with this field trip is that I have been looking forward to it, but we have been swamped with a shitload of rain today. It is suspected to continue tomorrow. So what, you may say. Well, all would be good if we weren't going to an OUTDOOR baseball game! And, and, . . . we have lawn seats. I hope and pray it clears up tonight and the sun shines a bit tomorrow.
Today was rough at school. I seriously didn't know if I could make it there all day. My morning was marked with several students sent to period detention, much pulsing of the brain and heart on my part due to anger, and outright anxiousness. I mean, my blood pressure hasn't skyrocketed like it did today for a long time. Sure, I've been "worked up" before, but today was one of those flip-the-switch-instant-red-faced-bitch moments. I could feel my ears burn. I ended up making it through, but it was questionable there for a while.
I think I will charge Mak's iPod tonight and take it for the bus ride tomorrow. I can rock out and bust some rhymes on the way there and back, zoning out for a while. Then, if it rains, I'll possibly have one of those cool songs in my head and sing for the crowd. Take me out to the ballgame!

I'd like to introduce you to...

the members of MY family (thank you to Hit 40 for this one):

Whitey
-HVAC salesman (no, it doesn't stand for "hilarious vacations" salesman)
-two years older than me
-we're actually legally divorced, but technically back together in a non-legal sense
-sports fanatic
-overtly outgoing personality
-humorist

Makaili
-15 and a half year old daughter
-has come to be familiar with getting Cs on her report card as of freshman year
-brainy, yet unwilling to use to her advantage
-artist (very good one, at that)
-can sing well, but refuses to use it publicly
-has had heart broken by a member of the male species
-has huge feet like me

Cammi
-soon to be 14 in a month - middle daughter
-named after successful female hockey player
-middle name is from male, famous hockey player
-most athletic of the girls in family
-WAY involved in everything: track, basketball, softball, and theater at once
-most helpful
-A/B student

Sydney
-eleven year old daughter
-was born while I was finishing up my college degree (returning student)
-All A student
-drama queen
-wears glasses like me
-loves to write, like me
-is sooooo not athletic
-hypersensitive
-high maintenance
-Disney Channel enthusiast
-can't stand to be away from me

Maddie
-tiny, two-pound Yorkie (Mak is "supposed" to be her mother)
-dog of the family
- loves to cuddle and sleep in blankets, near humans, or on humans
-gets her fine, thin hair matted easily
-is a pain in the butt, but we love her

and me.

Round Robin Writing

I did a round robin writing activity with my classes today. Some of my students just amaze me. They are worse than second graders. I gave each student a story starter, explained what we were doing and how the period would work. Some of them just looked at me in awe; they stated they were confused and didn't know what to do - how could they start a story from the line I gave them??? UUUUGGGGHHHH. I swear.

10 Noteworthy Events in the last 24 Hours

1. I went to church alone but felt nowhere near alone during the service.

2. I visited Versailles State Park with family and friends including having a wiffleball game.

3. I cried about something.

4. I couldn't easily get to sleep.

5. One of my students got into some serious trouble.

6. I finished a yearbook layout.

7. I showcased my yearbook class for the school board and community.

8. I talked to my dad on the phone.

9. I showed a film to try and nudge the hearts of my students to prevent unkind behaviors toward others.

10. I cleaned out one of my desk drawers at school.