Purpose Driven

I am reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren right now and finished a chapter this week about making bad relationships forgiven, no matter how far back they go. This is not to say the relationship must continue, revamp, or rekindle. This means to make amends; say your peace.
One relationship that I was nudged about while reading was the one with the recent ex husband. Given all that surrounds or surrounded things, I do not want to conjure up feelings, hurts, angers, etc. and contact him. I'm sure he reads this blog, so I'll do it here.
Gabe -
In a relationship, it takes both people to communicate, both to make mistakes, and both to take responsibility for things. I want to tell you that I know that and understand that. NO ONE is perfect. That I know, too. I am a very difficult person to live with. I accept that about myself. So, at this particular time and place, I am making peace with you. That does NOT mean I want to have any type of communication; I just want you to know I forgive both you and myself. Nothing further needs to be done or said, just know that the anger is gone. I want you to find your peace and live how you want to live, as I am doing the same.

Perhaps those interested should read the book as well.

worry

So I am sort of freaking out about my upcoming class. I know I shouldn't; there's really nothing to be afraid of. Despite telling myself that, I am frightened a bit. You see, I have to do what's called a "demo" lesson. This lesson is hands-on for the participants of the writing class. I must demonstrate a writing lesson, having the students (grad students) do whatever writing task I explain. Then, the pieces of writing are displayed for all to see. The demo lesson should be one that these teachers/students can take back and use for their classrooms. Sure, I've had writing lessons I've done before, but I don't want to do one too easy, too disconnected or not meaningful. Help me out, if you can!
I sort of want to do something like Postsecret.com, but???????
(breath deeply, breath deeply, Nina)
Why do we fear failure so much???

Long Weekend

`Thank goodness it's a long weekend.

My Granny called today and invited our whole family over for dinner on Monday night. I think other family members are going to be there as well. Sounds fun! Less than a week left before Thoroughly Modern Millie! I can't wait. I love that musical, and I can't wait to see Cammi in it. She has a great part.

Pizza night tonight. Kids are downstairs watching a movie (number 1 and 3), middle daughter is at a friend's for a while. All is good in the hood.
Our local Mexican restaurant is now back in business after a fire. Can't wait to be treated to a nice margarita there.

Tri-county Champ

My middle daughter, Cammi, is now the Tri-County Shotput Champion!!!! It was great. I am so proud.

There are eight days of school left.

I start my class on June 8.

I found out today that a trip to France is expensive and not on the radar for me - even if it is through school.

I need a part time job (a second job - isn't that sad?)

I can't wait for Cammi's musical next week.

I almost got beat up by a weird, gross, freak of a guy because I stopped to take pictures of an old truck that has sat in a field I go by daily for nine months. He did not like my explanation of why I was taking close up pics of this truck. Seriously, he confronted me, walking closer and closer as he spoke.

I want a quiet day off by myself.

I love sunshine.

Thankful

I am so thankful for all that I have. It is easy to get distracted in this crazy thing we call life - distracted from what is important and real. And today, my friends, I am grateful.
Last night I had the chance to spend the evening with some family and friends. One family member in particular, I haven't spent much time with over the last SEVERAL years. This is a person whom I practically helped raise. When my own girls were little, this "girl" (she's now a woman), was at my house almost every weekend. She was like a daughter to my husband and me. After not really having her in my life for more than five years, I am wonderfully excited that she is back in it now. Last night was great - we laughed, danced, had a great time!
Thank you God for bringing us back together! I selfishly want so much more time with her.
We have something like 12 days of school left. I look forward to the summer. Bring it on!!!!

Tu parle le Francais?

This morning, as I type, there is a sweet smelling aroma coming from the kitchen. No, my children aren't fixing me breakfast for being such a good mother. Yes, breakfast items are being prepared.
Makaili is in French class at school and from time to time, they have cooking days where each student brings in something French related. This time, on their last feast, we tried a new recipe. Creme Brulee French Toast.
The smell is powerful. We all love creme brulees, so we hope it tastes similar. They are coming out of the oven now and I can't wait to try it! (we had to fix two pans - one for school and one for us)
I'll let you know the verdict...

record

Cam threw her best at shotput and discus last night. She outthrows some of the high schoolers here. I guess they aren't very good!
She threw 31' 1" in shot and discus was around 61'.
I am so proud of her. I hope she sticks with it and continues to improve so that next year she can really make those suckers fly!

Mother May I?

I used to love that game. We neighborhood kids would play Mother May I days in a row. Simple game, but fun.
I am a mother. I have been for over fifteen years. Some days I don't really feel like I am, but others the overwhelming awareness zaps me. Many days I feel as though I am a sucky mother. Other days I feel as though I am not. I guess every mother goes through that. One thing I do know is that I do a helluva lot for my kids. And though they may not know it now, I pray they realize it when they get older. (I predict they'll understand it once they have their own children.) Sure, I am moody, bitchy, overwhelmed easily with stress, but I never stop doing for my girls.
Happy Mother's Day to all mothers, but more importantly, those who mother. You know who you are: the women that may or may not have given birth, but continue to give, sacrifice, and love despite all odds.

Rain, Mental Health Days, and Field Trips

Tomorrow a fellow teacher and I will embark on a field trip to Indy. We are taking approx. 30 (out of 125) students who earned this trip. They were to have no grade lower than a C-, have no lunch detentions, period detentions, or write-ups for three weeks prior to last Friday. Like I said, we have only 30 going. My problem with this field trip is that I have been looking forward to it, but we have been swamped with a shitload of rain today. It is suspected to continue tomorrow. So what, you may say. Well, all would be good if we weren't going to an OUTDOOR baseball game! And, and, . . . we have lawn seats. I hope and pray it clears up tonight and the sun shines a bit tomorrow.
Today was rough at school. I seriously didn't know if I could make it there all day. My morning was marked with several students sent to period detention, much pulsing of the brain and heart on my part due to anger, and outright anxiousness. I mean, my blood pressure hasn't skyrocketed like it did today for a long time. Sure, I've been "worked up" before, but today was one of those flip-the-switch-instant-red-faced-bitch moments. I could feel my ears burn. I ended up making it through, but it was questionable there for a while.
I think I will charge Mak's iPod tonight and take it for the bus ride tomorrow. I can rock out and bust some rhymes on the way there and back, zoning out for a while. Then, if it rains, I'll possibly have one of those cool songs in my head and sing for the crowd. Take me out to the ballgame!

I'd like to introduce you to...

the members of MY family (thank you to Hit 40 for this one):

Whitey
-HVAC salesman (no, it doesn't stand for "hilarious vacations" salesman)
-two years older than me
-we're actually legally divorced, but technically back together in a non-legal sense
-sports fanatic
-overtly outgoing personality
-humorist

Makaili
-15 and a half year old daughter
-has come to be familiar with getting Cs on her report card as of freshman year
-brainy, yet unwilling to use to her advantage
-artist (very good one, at that)
-can sing well, but refuses to use it publicly
-has had heart broken by a member of the male species
-has huge feet like me

Cammi
-soon to be 14 in a month - middle daughter
-named after successful female hockey player
-middle name is from male, famous hockey player
-most athletic of the girls in family
-WAY involved in everything: track, basketball, softball, and theater at once
-most helpful
-A/B student

Sydney
-eleven year old daughter
-was born while I was finishing up my college degree (returning student)
-All A student
-drama queen
-wears glasses like me
-loves to write, like me
-is sooooo not athletic
-hypersensitive
-high maintenance
-Disney Channel enthusiast
-can't stand to be away from me

Maddie
-tiny, two-pound Yorkie (Mak is "supposed" to be her mother)
-dog of the family
- loves to cuddle and sleep in blankets, near humans, or on humans
-gets her fine, thin hair matted easily
-is a pain in the butt, but we love her

and me.

Round Robin Writing

I did a round robin writing activity with my classes today. Some of my students just amaze me. They are worse than second graders. I gave each student a story starter, explained what we were doing and how the period would work. Some of them just looked at me in awe; they stated they were confused and didn't know what to do - how could they start a story from the line I gave them??? UUUUGGGGHHHH. I swear.

10 Noteworthy Events in the last 24 Hours

1. I went to church alone but felt nowhere near alone during the service.

2. I visited Versailles State Park with family and friends including having a wiffleball game.

3. I cried about something.

4. I couldn't easily get to sleep.

5. One of my students got into some serious trouble.

6. I finished a yearbook layout.

7. I showcased my yearbook class for the school board and community.

8. I talked to my dad on the phone.

9. I showed a film to try and nudge the hearts of my students to prevent unkind behaviors toward others.

10. I cleaned out one of my desk drawers at school.

The Boy in Striped Pajamas

Since my class has read the play adaptation of The Diary of Anne Frank, I thought it worthwhile for them to view the recent film about the Holocaust titled, The Boy in Striped Pajamas. We started it on Friday and will hopefully finish it up tomorrow. I just finished watching it myself and it is quite powerful. It's worth renting on DVD for the general public, not just academically. Go see for yourself and let me know if it pulls your heart strings.
Tough day for me today emotionally. Can't narrow it to just one reason. I think I've had maybe one complete conversation all day.

I'm a sucker for...

So I mentioned selling suckers for a fundraiser for my yearbook class/students. Here's how it was supposed to work: I ordered three cases (very large boxes with eight internal boxes) of assorted flavors of round suckers. These were supposed to sell for .50 cents a piece. We paid $432 for them and was supposed to make $432 in profit. For you mathematicians, that is a fifty percent profit.
I grilled these kids about not giving any freebies away, watching how they sell, keeping things straight. Long story short, we did NOT make the profit we intended to because of theft. Middle schoolers in my school strategically stole many suckers right from the table where they were being sold. I don't have the final numbers, but we made from 40-80 dollars less than what we were supposed to. That sickens me. Literally. But, what it amounts to is that my yearbook students won't have enough money to get t-shirts or what have you with the profit like they wanted to. That's really no skin off my back. It is partly their fault since I continued to coach them and warn them of the pitfalls of not selling correctly or accurately. So, tough cookies. Yes, it angers me, but to no avail. I'll end up getting my two co-editors special gifts from me for all of their hard work and the rest will get little to nothing. (may sound harsh, but these kids have stuck me with much work and responsibility with no remorse)
Funny story: a friend of mine (choir teacher) at school had a mishap today. She, on her prep, was going to return a CD to the high school choral director right up the drive from our school. She decided to go a block away to get a "slurpie" as she called it and gas. She prepaid, went to the pump, pressed necessary buttons, and the gas began to spew out at her in all directions. The pump was "set" by someone. She had a concert tonight. She needed the dress clothes she was in. She returned to school, with many turned heads and held noses. She had to change her clothes and wash the dress clothes soaked in gasoline. As of the end of school, they were on their third washing. They still smelled like gas. She was going to the high school choral director's house to shower before the show since she lives 45 minutes away. She was hilarious in telling the story with drama. I was laughing.
Seems fitting - weird week, weird happenings.

Something in the Water

In honor of Earth Day, our cafeteria must have put something in the batter for the yeast rolls or something in the water. I mean, seriously! The students were simply out of control today! I handed out period detentions, lunch detentions, and write-ups! They acted as if they'd eaten 'shrooms or something.
I, along with other colleagues, could not wait for 3:00pm to come. We waited with heightened anticipation. We emailed back and forth, we gave those raised-eyebrows looks to one another, we smirked and raised our hands in question. This was one of those days where you just want to run to your car after the bell rings for dismissal and race home to a nice, chilled glass of wine. Too bad I must pick up and drop off my daughter from event to event. No glass of wine for me, then.
Instead, I get to run to the grocery store to pick up soft taco shells and sour cream so that we can have our fiesta for dinner. Tacos, burritos, taco salads. That's what we'll be having. Did I mention said daughter has to do so in under an hour? Eating on the run. Parents of young children, get used to it if you plan on having involved kids. I understand why statistics state that students who are involved in extra-curricular activities are less likely to do drugs and get into trouble. They don't have time to!
Okay. Enough stalling. I must motor.

Shot Through the Heart, and You're to Blame

Good Monday morning to you all! (smile) I could have slept for three more hours at least!
This week is full of activities, some fun, some not so fun. Tonight, however, we have a home track meet (jr. high). I have to work long jump. Cammi is throwing shot and discus. Last Thursday, at her very first meet ever, she won the shotput throw. (Hence, the title of the post). I can't wait to see how she does tonight.
I never was into track when I was in school. I think I went to two meets. My general impression was that I stood in wonderment because it looked a bit like organized chaos - there were twenty things going on at once, with an unseen continuity that non-track people didn't understand.
I'm glad Cammi has taken this up. In the long run, I feel she can be damn good and competitive against other girls from around here. She's got the guns for it, that's for sure. She could kick my butt, truth be known.
My final test on Anne Frank is today. I'm worried the kids might not get the deeper level thinking questions. They struggle with those.
And, my yearbook class is starting sucker sales today. I'm a bit anxious about that. Money, keeping the items straight, not giving away "discounted" suckers...you know.

A Day of Writing

I attended my first day "orientation" of IUS Writing Project in New Albany today. I wrote many pages of different things, brainstormed many ideas, met new people, and was inspired by the whole thing.
I can't wait.
Hard work? Yes.
Worth it? Yes.
Will I be upset when it is over? Yes.

Hello, Dolly!

My girls and I just got back from watching a final dress rehearsal of our local high school's musical, Hello Dolly. Let me tell you, the lead was phenomenal! She has some real, innate talent. If she wanted, she could pursue a career in the field.
I hope the locals will go see it on Friday and Saturday. My friend is directing the pit orchestra for the production. She does a grand job, too.
Only one problem with the show: it gives me the fever, the bug, to be on stage myself again. (It's on that darn bucket list of mine...)
Until tomorrow...

Snakes

An odd thing happened to me last evening.
First of all, I am having a hard time sleeping due to the medication I am taking. My sleep is not REM sleep for long spurts of time. Instead, I get interrupted sleep, waking up feeling very tired. I won't stop the medication, though, because I need it. So, I stick to the grind of bad sleep.
Last night, I had a weird dream or two or three or four thousand. One was about snakes. Symbolic? Perhaps. In more ways that you know (right, Hope?). Okay. So, this dream was filled with all kinds, sizes, and strengths of snakes. They were crawling on me, over me, biting me, etc. I am scared shitless of them. I don't even like to see them on the TV screen or on a page in a magazine. They freak me out. So this dream was torture.
I also had a dream about babysitting a co-worker's newborn baby girl. I had to bathe her, change her, and take care of her under the watchful eyes of her family members. She was screaming during the bath, then fell asleep on my shoulder with a diaper on and nothing else. She had a beautiful head of hair, just like my girls did. I was anxious about taking care of her, though. As if I haven't done it a hundred times with my own kids AND others' kids. But, for some reason, this was weird to me. I didn't feel capable, not in my eyes, but in the eyes of her family and those watching. Weird, with a capital "W".
What do I make of these? Blame it on the meds? Underlying message?
I can't wait until the ten days of medicine are up!!

Losing my Religion

Sure they are song lyrics, but they are applicable. Throughout my life I have been to different churches and have experienced different avenues of faith, even worship. I am a Christian, that much is for sure. What perplexes me, though, is where I fit into the spectrum of religion.
I was baptized Catholic at a very young age. I believe I was months old. Growing up, we were Catholics. We attended Mass with my grandmother mostly, with most of the family together. My mom, her brother and sisters, etc. When my first daughter was born, she was baptized under that religion as well. I made my first communion in second grade, as the story goes. I did not, however, go through confirmation with my peers as a high schooler. Instead, as an adult, I went through the process after returning back to college with two kids. Finally, after college and at my first teaching job, which was at a Catholic school, I became a Eucharistic Minister. (basically means I served communion to church members during mass) All of my daughters were baptized Catholic.
I got divorced while working at this school and was given the Book. I was told I could not take communion any longer, was fired from my job (for being a "bad influence" on the students because I was divorced), and could no longer be a Eucharistic minister. I was, what it felt like, ex-communicated from the Catholic religion.
I moved on to becoming a Methodist. I felt welcomed, worthy, and respected. Sometimes I would have feelings of wanting to attend mass, but would then revert back to the condemnation and anger I felt. This past Christmas, for the first time in many, many years, I attended a Catholic Midnight Mass. Being in God's house felt good, but there was just something missing. I took communion, though I had been advised against it. I have never returned.
Today, for the first time since that Christmas mass, I attended church. I thought I would try something different. There is a very active church here where I live. I debated on going to a mass, even though I didn't really feel I would get much out of it. I decided against it and attended this church where many people go and speak of. One issue, I felt a bit uncomfortable because it is a Baptist church. I have attended a Baptist church before with friends while growing up. I have never attended as a church seeker, though - an adult trying to find her church home, trying to find just where she fits.
I was impressed once I let go of the jitters, the judgment, the control. Sure, the service itself was different than what I am used to, but that's not entirely a bad thing. The message was good, the atmosphere was inviting, the church was gorgeous, and the people were nice. It felt good to be where people seemed to get something out of the service, something to take away and use to live well.
This leaves me, as so many times in my life have, questioning some things. Why do we label our religious ties? Do we need to? Are they interchangable at different times in our lives? Should it matter which denomination we affiliate with as long as we are believers? Why do I feel I should remain Catholic when I have been treated so harshly and when I don't get the same feeling from a mass that I do with other services?
Sometimes, in situations like these, I feel like a lost teenager searching for her identity all over again. I don't like that feeling. It scares me.
I am thankful, on this Easter, that I went to church today and that I was able to feel the spirit of the church I attended. Am I Baptist? Catholic? Methodist? or nothing? I don't know. I'm just a believer I guess. There could be worse things. . .