Last

Today was my daughter's last day of high school. She is no longer a high school student as of today at 11:30 am. Wow. Feels a little weird. She's on to bigger and better things, as she put it. I'm so very proud of her. Wish I could take her to Cancun and celebrate.

Sigh. Big Sigh.

I just needed to do that. Sigh, then a big sigh. Then a majorly deep breath. Still, doesn't really make me relax. Doesn't make me feel any better. What to do next?

Christmas

Oddly enough, Christmas is one of those times that is both difficult and joyous for me at the same time. Weird, isn't it? I find it really hard to explain. Ever since I was little and can remember, Christmas has kind of been one of those times to cause angst for me. I get this knot in my stomach. I think it comes from worrying about money. I've always worried about money. I was a saver. When I would get birthday money from others when I was younger, I'd put it away and save it, counting it many , many times. I'd look around stores when I would go with my mom, and it would take me MONTHS to get up the nerve to buy something I really wanted. I would pick it up, put it down; pick it up, put it back. I would do this several times, my mom would remind me, and then I would purchase it. Afterward, I would second guess myself and the purchase. I guess I'm still that way, in a sense, today. It's not that I mind parting with the money. That's not it at all; I love giving people gifts they want or need. I'm not selfish, by any means. So I don't mean it to sound that way. What I really mean to zone in on is the fact that I don't ever like to feel unprepared, or uncomfortable when it comes to money. And, to be quite honest, I feel both of those. I'm not "comfortable" or "prepared" at all in a financial sense. Maybe that's what makes me nervous, so to speak, about the holidays. It's almost as if my thought process includes thinking, "If I spend just fifty dollars more, then what if something comes up and that fifty is exactly what I needed? Shouldn't I just hold off and see?" I probably don't even make sense. Point blank: the holidays make me nervous. But, at the same time, I continue to tell myself to remember the reason for the season, even if no one else does. And that is the birth of Jesus. I just keep trying to tell myself that. But it works some days, and some days it doesn't.
On another note: my oldest daughter turned eighteen a week ago. Yes, I officially have an adult child. Wow. It doesn't really seem possible. Do I feel old? Some days. Do I feel differently? Only when I really sit and dwell on it. I pulled up some of my very old blog posts, back from 2006 and read them the other day, Friday, right after school. I have to admit, I teared up when I read some of them. One of the ones I read was right around Christmastime when we first got our dog, Maddie. I had written about how she was our new baby girl, and how my baby, Makaili, was turning thirteen. THIRTEEN! And now she's all grown up at eighteen. It's hard to believe. I get choked up even thinking about it. So much time has passed in such a hurry. And so many things have happened. Re-living them all makes me emotional. I just have to sit and breath deeply, taking one moment at a time.

wow

Wow. I didn't see that one coming.

Shoulder

A long time ago when I worked at North Decatur High School, I had this shoulder issue. It got so bad, I did several rounds of intense massage therapy. It was weeks before the pain subsided. Well, it has returned. My shoulder is absolutely killing me. It hurts/burns/pinches right around the curvation of my shoulder blade. The stinging is so bad that I was in tears last night. Tears. And I'm a grown woman.
I went to the doctor for this issue right before Thanksgiving. The week before, actually. They put me on Prednisone, a steroid. It worked after a while. It was pretty intense, though. It was rough on my stomach, and it gave me hot flashes. I only had to take it for a week, thank goodness. But, already, the flare up is back. I'm not too happy about it. At the same time, I hate to return to the doctor, for several reasons. Some of those include but are not limited to the following: I don't like going to the doctor, I don't want to take medicine, and I don't want to be told "It's stress." Duh, I know that. And who can "get rid of" stress altogether? That's right, no one. So, here I'll sit, in agony, and wish it away. Let's see how that works.

Just blah.

I don't even have a Christmas tree put up. I currently don't have one. We purchased one last week, and the stupid thing wouldn't work correctly, so we had to take it back. No more stock of that kind, so now we are without one. By the time we get one put up, it'll only be up for a couple of weeks! Blah.
I'm so tired today. I literally have had to struggle to keep my eyes open. I'm going home to take a nap. Yep, you heard me, a nap. That's just how blah I feel. With dishes and laundry surrounding me, I plan on sleeping. Hope it all works out in the end.

Canadian Bacon

Yesterday, after college orientation for my daughter, we went to Sam's Club. While browsing through the refrigerated items, I was taken aback. I had not ever seen this item in Sam's before! Low and behold, it was Canadian Bacon. And lots of it! I looked at Makaili, she looked at me, and then a smile spread across her face. She said, "I haven't had Canadian Bacon in forever!" I asked, "Think we should get some?" to which she replied, "Yeah!" So, I bought Canadian Bacon for the first time in over three years. I haven't fixed it in what seems like forever. I used to fix it all the time. I'll have to see if I've still got the touch.

Odd

It was so odd to have my oldest daughter come in from work last night at midnight and come right up to me, put her arms around me, and sob into my shoulder. That's never really happened before. And it was a very difficult thing to witness. When one of your kids is hurting, it's hard to take. I feel helpless right now. I just want her to know God doesn't make mistakes; everything happens for a reason, and we have to trust in God's selection of James to come and be with him as something only He knows about. Keep the faith, my love. Keep the faith.

Prayers

Oh, Lord, be with the Johnson family tonight and in the near future. They need your loving arms around them, comforting them in their time of great loss. Parents, hug your kids and tell them you love them. You never know if it may be the last time you get to see, touch, or talk to them. Feeling very sad because of this tragic event. James, have fun seeing your mom again.

Table, anyone?

I don't really know if I am welcome at the table or not. That baffles me.

She's In!

We got a letter today from IU Southeast. Mak is in for definite housing next fall. The deposit is made, and she will be a 2012 Fall student. Hard to believe. Of course, she has to get through her first semester here at IUPUC beginning in January, too. We go for orientation for that the first of December. She turns 18 on Dec. 11. That, too, is hard to believe. Now, if I can just talk her out of that tatoo she wants...

...

I can rely on no one...except Jesus. He's the only one that never lets me down.

Would you live forever?

If someone told you you could live forever, would you? What if you could drink from a spring and stay the age you are right now forever? Would you do it? This is the question my students are contemplating now with the reading of our novel. I love this question!

Really?

I began a novel with my students on Wednesday. It's a novel that has short chapters, so we're already ready for chapter ten. I had them write in their journals a reaction to what we've read so far. Even my "advanced" class had a few that didn't "know what was going on" in the book. Really? It is a novel that is wayyy under their reading level which should be super simple. In fact, I know of one teacher who has criticized me for it being too easy. So that theory is out the window. Then, today, one thing I had my students do in class was a writing assignment where I gave them a list of prompts (a list of about twenty) and they had to pick one, write about ten minutes about it, and voila. Just that simple -- WRITE -- for ten stinking minutes. Big shocker, some were looking at me like I was speaking a foreign language. I mean, last time I checked it is "English" class, not German. So, today was an eye-opening downer for me. What'll I do about it? Go out to eat Mexican food with my mom, the girls, and Gma. Yeah, that oughtta do it.

Another year

I'm another year closer to 40. I think I want to give up birthdays. I can stop right here where I am, actually. I don't need to get any closer to forty than I already am. Thirty didn't really bother me -- of course I got to celebrate in NYC, so that made it better, but age 32 really got to me. Now, six years later, I'm not looking forward to getting any older. Wiser? Of course. Older? Nah.

memories

I can remember when Cammi told me that Coach Gray was trying to recruit her for a soccer goalie. We discussed it at length and decided that she just couldn't juggle it and basketball over the summer; that the season for soccer would be brutal. I sent Coach Gray an email that said we just couldn't swing it. She told me last Friday night when I talked to her that she could remember getting the rejection email. She said she had about five drafts of a reply for me written, but told herself not to send one right away; she told herself to just go to lunch and revisit it afterward. So, she said she went to lunch and came back to another email from me. This one said maybe we would consider it - that maybe Cam was interested in playing after all. So, she said she was practically jumping up and down with excitement. And so it went - that's how it all started. Now, tomorrow is the first game of the sectionals. It has been a great year for Cam. She's got a lot of playing time in and has enjoyed the season so much. She has greatly enjoyed having Coach Gray and Coach Beal as her coaches. They are so down to earth, unlike some coaches she has had in the past. Cam has truly felt appreciated on the team. And for that, I'm thankful. It has been a confidence booster for her. And she has needed that.
So for this soccer season, I'm thankful. I've loved being the proverbial "soccer mom" as they say. I hope to continue the positivity with winter indoor soccer. I don't think I'll miss basketball one bit. Besides, I have the boys' basketball team to watch if I ever get the fever for a good game. And I don't have to run anyone back and forth to practice for that. Amen, sister. Amen to that.

Maybe...

Maybe I should just work at Wal-Mart. I feel like such a failure sometimes.

Celebrate

Well, it's my birthday month. October is here. It was a cold morning this morning out on the soccer fields. I was bundled up like I was at a Macy's Day Parade in New York City. The wind was something else! Cam had quite a few good saves, but a few got past her. There are just no defenders there to help her.
I think since my birthday is this month, I'm going to honor myself all month long. I deserve that, right? I got several birthday emails from businesses with coupons and special offers. Perhaps I'll take each and every one up on those offers. One that was quite appealing? Morton's Steakhouse. Free signature dessert. Now doesn't THAT sound delicious? Let's start celebrating!

It's a Girl!

It's a girl, it's a girl, it's a girl! I simply cannot wait. It feels like March 5 won't get here soon enough. Now I can go out and buy all kinds of pink stuff. Oh, the anticipation...

Priorities

How do people set their priorities? I like to think in my mind it comes rather naturally, therefore placing things in categories as to how one feels about the things in that category. Confusing, I know.
Okay. Let's put it this way. Say you have a friend who has his/her priorities messed up. Things just don't fall into natural order, you know? For instance, say that friend has the following priorities:
1. self
2. self
3. self
4. play time
5. work
6. family

That doesn't seem quite right, does it? Especially if that friend has a family he/she should be 'worried' about. Nonetheless, that is the natural pecking order of this friend's life. How would you go about getting that friend to really listen to you in regards to re-prioritizing his/her life? No amount of advice seems to work. The friend ends up getting defensive and basically throws up his/her hands to say, "Fine. I'm just such a horrible person, aren't I?" Well, yeah, pretty much.