Running

Today I ran my two miles. This thing called running is so inconsistent for me. Some days I can run two miles; some days I can't. Today was a good day and I ran the entire two miles.
One reason I simply can't run the distances I want to is because I have exercise-induced asthma. I've had it since elementary school. When I first began playing organized, school basketball I began wheezing whenever I'd run up and down the court. My dad used to say, "Oh, you're just not in shape!" No, it was more than that. You see, this wheezing and tightness of the throat and chest continued on and on through the seasons, through the years. When I was in high school and had to "run" the mile for P.E., I could not do it. I'd walk most of the time and then collapse at the end with my face beet red, eyes bulging, and heaving to breath. I was put on medication in sixth grade, I believe, and it helped minimally. I continued to play sports and cheer up through my eleventh grade year of school. Now, as an adult, I have only been truly exercising on a regular basis for a year. I have increased from walking one mile to running two. I, personally, don't feel that is the progress I should have at this point. But, I'm going with it the best I can. I get very frustrated, often cry toward the end of my running, and get upset with my lack of ability and/or progress. But, I am sticking with it. I run three times a week. Like I said, some days are fine, but others are a very difficult struggle reducing me to walking and running in intervals. What I want to be able to do is run (not walk any) a 5k. Wow, some of you say. Wow, how minute is that! For this asthmatic, I see it as an accomplishable goal. Sure, I'd love to "go big" and run a half-marathon. If only! But I will try to take baby steps and go for the 5k. I just wish I'd make faster progress than what I am. I guess I have to listen to my body first and foremost. Remember, at one point in my life (and when I was much younger, nonetheless)I could only walk a mile. Now I can run two. Slow progress, but it's progress, I guess.

Side note: proud of my ex mother-in-law for taking the first step! It's no small feat!

Sometimes people disappoint me.

Longest Day of the Year

Today is the longest day of the year. No, I don't mean there are more than twenty-four hours in this particular day, I just mean that there is the most amount of sunlight in the day on June 21. Today, fifteen years ago, I gave birth to a baby girl. She was my second daughter, born when my first daughter was only eighteen months old. I can remember my oldest daughter coming in and leaning over my hospital bed anxiously awaiting the arrival of her sibling. She was excited, but didn't understand why her momma had to be in that hospital, not at home with her. It's funny how at the time, the pain can be excruciating, but soon after all those pains are forgotten when you can hold your sweet newborn baby in your arms. It is as though time stand still if only for a moment. Now, that black, curly-haired baby is growing up, only a few years away from being an adult. I can only hope I'm raising her right, teaching her things that I'm supposed to, guiding her in the right directions. I wish my laid-back, caring, honest, compassionate Cammi a happy fifteenth birthday today. May the years ahead of her treat her well.

A Father

There are certain biological functions that can make a person a father. That is true. But what makes a true father is something more complicated. A father is one who nurtures, one who molds and shapes, one who is there along the way of tough life issues for a person. That, and so much more, is what makes a father a true father. To fathers all around the world today, Happy Father's Day. Pat yourselves on the back for a job well done.

Catching up

The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. I cleaned out our closet (one of them); that was an experience. I had three forty gallon trashbags full of clothes that I donated to people. Thank goodness, those people could wear them ALL! They were grateful, too, which was nice.
Every Monday I have been running Cam to her basketball games in the Southport and Indy area. She plays two games per night, usually back to back. Two out of the three times we've gone, we didn't get home until almost midnight! Then, the next morning, she and I have to get up to get her to an 8am practice. Wow! Yes, no wonder I slept most of the day yesterday. I was playing catch up on my sleep. You see, her basketball practices are every Tues, Wed, Thurs, from 8-10am. EVERY WEEK! Then, on top of that, Sydney has dance practice two times a week for three or four hours at a time. My schedule is full.
I still have to clean out my scrapbooking closet (that'll be boatloads of fun). It will be a day-long project. I'm sure, though, I'll find things I didn't even remember having. Maybe it'll be like Christmas all over again. Maybe.
There is much more on the agenda for the summer. It is already going by so fast. I'm almost in mourning that it is slipping away from me.
Makes me think of my neighbor's mom telling me at my book study at church Monday morning about her small home for sale in Florida. She wanted to know if I was interested. Interested?! Me?! Of course I'm "interested". But one would have to have money to purchase that home, wouldn't he? That sort of takes me out of the running, now doesn't it? Man. Do you know how tempting just the words are "Florida home for sale"? It is 8min. from one beach and 13 from another. It is also only an hour away from the gorgeous waters of Clearwater Beach. Been there. Like it. Want to be near it. Alas, it won't happen. Nice to dream about, though. And yes, I do dream about being in a warm climate with sand and surf. Often.

They are growing up so fast!
These photos were taken on Memorial Day a couple of weeks ago. I just love them!

Please Pray

My good friend Hope's son, Ethan, was taken to Riley Intensive Care Unit yesterday with his sugar in the 500's. He is struggling, according to her, and will have a lifelong battle ahead of him. Please pray for him and his family. He's one sick boy! Diabetes is a scary thing for an adult, not to mention a kid. Love you, Hope and Ethan!

Quite painless

Going "shopping" and trying items of clothing on is quite painless in comparison to how it used to be. Used to, I'd cry like a baby by the time I had gone in and out of the dressing room a couple of times with nothing fitting like it should. Now, things fit and it is a game to see how low the size can be to please me. Sure, there is sooo much more room for improvement, but I've come a long way to be the weight I am today. It hasn't been easy. In fact, just Saturday I was whining and complaining to one of my close friends that I get to the point of exhaustion over the whole watching what I eat, exercising bit. It is just as tough mentally as it is physically. The mind is a tricky thing. So, over the holiday weekend, I was not on track. I had an asthma attack while running on Saturday, to which I responded with being angry and crying over. I ate horrible foods and consumed some beverages, which I had not done in quite some time. Then, the moment I let my mind wrap around what I had done, I felt insanely guilty. Horrible that I allowed myself three days of nonstop nasty eating. Why would I have wanted to do that to myself when I had just triumphed over the weight thing in getting a swimsuit that fit, in a nice size, not jumbo??? Why??? So today I must get back up on the eating wagon. I must get back on track. I don't want to blow this deal, you know? Oh, and we're having a pitch in at lunch at school. What'll I do there? Hopefully they'll have some veggies or something. Lord knows I can't even eat the dessert I'm taking. UGH! See what I mean? It's a vicious cycle of wanting, but can't have it. Not fun. But it beats the alternative of being fat. I have to keep telling myself that.

Book

I'm reading a book called The Wednesday Letters. I have had this book for a while, but put it on the back burner. I've been reading it this week. The book is a good one, making me think and reflect on many things. The premise of the book is this: a husband, beginning with his wedding night, writes his wife a letter every Wednesday. This letter may be as long as a novella, but as short as a couple of sentences. This goes on for almost forty years. When the two wedded people die, their children find all of these letters and begin to read them. Secrets come out, things are learned, and emotions run wild while the letters are read. What strikes me is how intimate of an act of love the letter writing is. To be committed to writing a weekly letter to your husband or wife is of great magnitude. How wonderful would it be to receive a letter each week, even when times are rough? It would be such a gift. And some kind of legacy to pass on to your children. For others to see inside your soul that way would be enlightening.
I have been so slack in writing lately. I am not keeping a journal. I have not seriously written since last summer. I need to get back into it. Perhaps this book was meant to open my eyes to the power of writing again. Where's my pen and paper?

Princess

My "daughter" at IU has graduated! Cam, Syd, and I went to Princess's graduation party today in Milllhousen. Princess's hair looked great and she seemed really excited about starting her life in Phoenix with D. I'm so happy for her. She'll be working with homeless children there. I think it will be good for her. She'll do great. I'm gonna miss her, knowing that she isn't just a few miles away. It's not like we were together all the time, but I knew if she needed me desperately, I could get to her in an hour. Not now! She's going to be on the other side of the country.

I'm wrestling with some demons today. Praying that they pass quickly. I don't like being in this place, feeling this way. I shouldn't, I feel. These demons rear their ugly heads every once and a while, and I don't like it. Guess it just makes me human. That's how I'll have to look at it.

Saw my brother, mom, and dad today. Came home after the grad party and hung out with friends down the street. Then, on a whim, decided to go to LasChalupas here in town. Big Family Night Out with everyone. I love doing that. It's so much fun. And, I learned that my best friend Michelle will be attempting to quit smoking starting tomorrow! Hooray! I will be rooting her on. I want her to kick that habit so badly. Between her mother and me, I hope we can help her through it. I hate to see anyone be a smoker.

I can't wait for my Thirty-One products to come in so I can show them off and hopefully get Hope some business. Excited!! I love a good monogrammed anything. So personal, you know? haha

Seven more days left of school. I am so ready for it to be over. I'm ready for sun and poolside relaxation. Looking forward to it. I'm a bit anxious about the hectic basketball and dance team schedules I'm facing with the girls, but sun and waves WILL be on the agenda. We'll get it accomplished somehow.
Goodnight all.

MS

Today I will embark on the Columbus, Indiana MS Walk with my friend who has MS, Hope. Last year we did the mile course. This year, I told her, we are doing the three mile course. See, last year, when I was thirty pounds heavier, Hope literally ran circles around me on the walk. This year, I hope to run most of that three miles. I've bettered myself in so many ways that I am looking forward to doing this with her. She inspires me. I don't know how anyone with MS can do these walks/runs. It amazes me. But they do. Congrats, Hope. You do more than I can give you credit for.

No Frills

Tomorrow I am attending my first Kentucky Derby. I am going with my best friend. Now, she has this plan. We are strapping chairs on our backs, taking a tarp, two rain ponchos, a double layer of clothing in case it's cold in the morning and warms up in the afternoon, a cooler (no alcohol allowed), lunchmeat for sandwiches, and then she suggests I bring another change of clothes for the car ride home. Am I packing to go to Florida? or Kentucky? Sheesh. I'm not sure I can handle all this.
Pray for maybe not too much rain?!

Bucket List

I've received a few leads on some items to mark off my bucket list, pending my accomplishments of the said events.
1. Attend Kentucky Derby -- May 1.
2. Gallop/run on a horse -- anytime -invitation has been extended to me.
3. Have a savings account with money actually in it - if I have twenty dollars to bet on the day I cross off item #1 on here, perhaps I could win big and open an account. *Not counting on this one coming to fruition! It's always nice to dream big, though.

My schedule is so hectic - if only you could see my desk calendar at school - looks like a battlefield for colored pen markings. Sometimes I seriously don't know how I do it all. Mothering three girls is frazzling at times. Cam's big dance is coming up in a little over a week and a half. Her musical is this week/weekend. She has two track meets, basketball practice, etc. Mak is starting work. Syd has a fitting for her dance uniforms. I have computer Mobi training at work. I have to work a track meet this week. I have a faculty meeting. Going to the Derby Saturday. Syd has an overnight event at church Friday night. Ugh! Busy, busy, busy.
Oh, as a side note...broke up my fourth fight at school on Thursday. This one was bloody! Gross.

Sickly

I am home from work today with a sick child. I haven't had to stay home with a sick child for a couple of years now. Nonetheless, she is very sick. Good thing I didn't wait until today to take her to the doctor. She would have been horribly worse off than she was even just last night. She has a high temp, sore throat, and cough. I have had to keep a cold rag on her head all night long. She's sleeping now, but she can't be comfortable! She's on fire!
So, I took a personal day and stayed home.
I hope the medicine begins working today so that she starts to feel just a little bit better. I wish they would've given her a shot. Why don't doctors believe in that anymore? They are so reluctant to give antibiotic shots. Why??? What in the world would it hurt when someone needs some more immediate relief than three days of oral antibiotics? Sheesh. Anyway...

To Save a Family

This week at church was the second week in a six-week long study entitled To Save a Family. Last week's sermon sparked much discussion at my house. It was powerful. This week's topic within the study was How to Fight. Yes, sounds odd, no? Nonetheless, that was the course of study. We were even challenged to pick a fight today. (not a fist fight, obviously - just a verbal "discussion") I haven't had the energy to do so, and it is about bedtime. Seems as though I will wait until tomorrow to hit that one head-on. I'm not in the mood to pick a fight just yet.
I'm thankful for the discussion we have had the past week because of the sermon. Heated? Yes. Worth it? Yes. The definition of insanity, I've heard said, is doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. I've fallen into that category on more than one occasion. A lot more than one, if I want to be honest. I have pondered that thought over the past week in depth. In examining myself, I have learned a great deal. That, to me, is growth. And it is what I need to continue to do. I challenge you to examine yourself, too. Are you "insane" sometimes? I think we all are at one time or another. Check yourself. Then change something and see if the results are different. I'm trying to do just that.

in the middle

I love my middle name. I don't really know why, other than most girls don't have my middle name --- Rae. I should have named one of my daughters that or had their middle name as Rae, too. I wish I would have. One of my dearest friends from elementary and jr. high is finally having a girl on her child number four. She is having her middle name as "Rae" because she also has that middle name like me. That's cool.
Today I got up, vacuumed the house and told the girls, Let's go to Sam's Club. We need some frozen items and I just wanna get out. So, as I speak, everyone is showering and getting ready. We'll pack up and go to Sam's Club, spend more money than wanted, and come home to put groceries away. I think I'll rent the movie Everybody's Fine tonight and make it popcorn and movie night here. Sounds entertaining, right?

Inching closer

My daughter, Cam, is throwing shotput again this year in track. She's a beast! Last year her best was around 31 feet. Yesterday they had a mock meet and she threw 34 feet! Major gain! I'm so excited. Can't wait to see how that pans out in regards to the other throwers from other schools.

"I'm shakin' like a dog sh**tin' a peach seed."

Madness

So March Madness has come to an end. The ballgames are over, the hype is gone. Butler had a great season, but couldn't quite pull it off there in the end. That last minute shot was very close, though.
Easter weekend was great despite the fact that I don't feel like myself healthwise. I am seeing the doctor today. I'm sure it is sinus issues once again. You don't know how tired of that I get. I don't even want to go to the doctor, but I don't know what else to try. I can't even make it up for work in the mornings without wanting to cry from exhaustion.
Last night I had an unwelcomed surprise - -I was walking out to my vehicle and saw something shining on my tire. I examined it closer and it was a huge screw stuck all the way in my back tire. This morning I must take it to Miller Tire and have them get it out and patch the tire. I hear tell that it will probably cost me thirty bucks. Great. I don't want to drive to Columbus without getting it fixed first, so off I go to the tire shop bright and early. Just like getting up for work - no sleeping in.

Vacay Night

My best friend is on vacation this week. (the one who just moved into her new apt.) She has talked me into going with her to Indy tonight to the final four concert series featuring Stone Temple Pilots on the White River State Park Lawn. It is a free concert, so everyone and their brother will be there. Hope I don't get trampled...If that doesn't pan out, then we are going to the Slippery Noodle. Wish me luck!!!

Anne

My classes began reading about Anne Frank yesterday from our literature book. Oddly enough, a phrase caught my attention. We were reading along and the book was talking about how Jews were treated and how they were discriminated against -- how their lives changed once a decree was set forth forbidding them to do many things. In this explanation, there was a phrase about Jews only being allowed to shop in stores that bore the "placard" 'Jewish shop'. Placard. I used to use this word often when I was talking about placing a placard in the dash of someones car to remind him/her to stop somewhere on his/her way home or to pick up something, etc. For example, one placard that used to be used bore the word "CVS". Man, how some things just take us back to a certain place and time. Crazy! Out of nowhere. Insane.
So, those who have memory problems, place your placards in the dashes of your cars to remind yourselves of your errands you need to run. It works!

Commercial

Over and over again a Southwest Airlines commercial has been playing - you might have seen it - "Bags Fly Free". It is the one where the men who are baggage handlers raise their shirts to have the phrase painted on their bellies. Seen it? Thought so. Okay, so here's my reason for mentioning it. It has flooded my thoughts with flying, going somewhere. I have not flown in a very long time. I almost feel like I'm having withdrawl symptoms because of it. I miss New York City terribly. I wouldn't even mind going by myself! That's how much I miss it. I'm not even talking about the "touristy" places. I don't care if I go there. I want to be in the city, taking in the life, making my way through the boroughs and quaint places. I want to dine at certain places, rest in others. I want to sit by the Bethesda Fountain and have the sunshine on my face. I want to buy a hotdog from a street vendor.
I know. It sounds like a lot of "I wants". That is never a good thing, you are saying to me. I understand this. It doesn't negate the feelings I have, though. At this point, my flight I want to take doesn't HAVE to be NYC. I could fly relatively anywhere and be satisfied. I feel like it will never again happen for me. And I don't like that feeling. Sure, you can pin selfishness on me. Go ahead. I never claimed to be completely unselfish. You can bet your bottom I am, in many ways, unselfish because of my three children, though. So you can put that in your pipe and smoke it, as my dad would say. Ponder on that a minute. If a mother has children, she sacrifices if she is a mother at all. So this request might not be so selfish after all, I'm thinking.
Oh, this is just a bunch of mumbo jumbo, falling on deaf ears. I know that. It just feels a tiny bit better to get the feelings down on "paper" so to speak. Until the day comes that I'm magically wisked away to another place, I'll simply wait here in angst. That could be forever.

Haven't done it

Boy, my big plans for spring break. Big plans. Reading. Who thought I was actually going to get some reading done? I was hoping I would. I feel cheated. I've only been on spring break for one day, I hear you saying. But, that is a day that has gone and passed by without warning. I am regretfully counting down the days I have left. It's so stupid of me, really. Nonetheless, I am continually doing just that.
Yesterday I spent the day helping my best friend clean an apartment she is moving into due to her husband divorcing her. It was rather sudden. Sure, they had had problems, but she never would have thought he would do what he did to her. Now, at age 37 she must become independent again. The apartment is cute, and will do her just fine. I hope all of her "stuff" will fit in it. She has a lot to disperse! I found it empowering to help her onto the next phase of her life without her husband. She has her good times and rough times, but she'll make it in the end. I will be there for her whenever she needs me. So I look at yesterday as a day of service, so to speak. Volunteerism.
Today, I am taking the girls to Columbus so they can hunt for various things. Bathing suit for one, underwear for another, and perhaps at least one pair of shorts for one. I tell you, they are growing faster than I can breathe! Syd has birthday money, Cam has "Nana money" for a bathing suit, and Mak has babysitting money. They can't wait to spend it. Burnin' a hole in their pockets! I have an Applebee's gift certificate (Crapplebee's), so I think I'll take them out to lunch there. Then, it's back to N.V. for some basketball practice. The wicked never rest!
Maybe while Cam practices I can read at least a chapter or two in my book. Perhaps.

In other news... get to go to Pacer game Wednesday night for free (sitting five rows off the floor). I'm thinking some "downtown Indy food" sounds magnificent. Nice addition to the break.

Spring Break

This week is our spring break at school. I am so looking forward to some sleeping in, reading, and taking the week slowly. I need some time off.
Thinking that there are only nine more weeks left of school is wonderful. I am looking forward to the summer. This summer I won't be taking any writing class, so my summer months will be relatively free. Yippee! Cammi will be playing basketball on a travel team, and Sydney will have some dance practices, but my calendar is clear. Thank goodness for that!
Sydney did make the middle school dance team. I'm so proud of her. She is excited about being on the team. I can't wait to see her perform. Track season is abound for Cam as well as the musical. She is Mrs. Potts in Beauty and the Beast. She even has a solo this year!
My mom is doing wonderfully. She has nine months clean and sober now. Fantastic! She is making her first sober trek to Bristol to the NASCAR race with my dad and uncle. She was a bit nervous to be around all the drinking (since alcohol is a drug), but she was excited, too.
We have March Madness in full swing here at the homestead. Games have been good. Until next time...

Anne Frank

Time to begin our Anne Frank study for the year. Man, this gets me every time -- that kids aren't aware of the Holocaust and what happened then. I guess it's my calling to inform them of the inhumane treatment of others...

alive

It's a great day to be alive, isn't it?
February is coming to a close and that means we are inching our way toward spring and summer. I can't wait.

turn it over

Let go and let God. Boy that is so hard sometimes. A friend of mine told me recently, "Keep your eyes on the Son". Though I might have to consciously tell myself to continue to do that, I'm trying. It is so great to have this exceptional lady as a true friend. She is inspiring. I'm very lucky to have several close friends. Don't you love those friends that would do anything for you if you needed them to? They are the best! I'm so glad our paths crossed and those friendships have formed. Life is so much better with friends.

Last chance Saloon

So today is my middle daughter's last middle school girls basketball tournament. This will essentially conlude her season. We've been through it all - chipped teeth included. Now, today, it is the last chance to shine. I want her to have a good game, both defensively and offensively. I'm not striving for her to be top scorer or anything like that; I just want her to have a good solid game(s). She could be so much better - the best forward out there - if she'd just work at it a little harder. She needs to be working on her game in the off season if she wants to make it in high school. She focuses on other things, though. Of course, just like anything else, mother doesn't know best when it comes to teenagers. They don't want to take all of our advice!
I have a horrible sore throat. Hope it doesn't lead to my bi-annual laryngitis/bronchitis. I've been lucky so far this year on that!

Under the knife

My dad is having surgery tomorrow - quite an invasive one. This is on the man who works eighty hours a week; the man who never misses work for a sick day; the man who goes to the doctor about three times a year. I plan on taking a personal day to be there for him. Of course, there is much snow in the forecast, so who knows if I will truly have to burn one of my personal days at all. We may end up not having school, who knows! I tend to believe school will be in session, though. Just when you PLAN on not attending, it happens that school is still on schedule. When you don't expect it, it happens. I don't care if we have a snow day tomorrow, I just don't want to be out for the week or more than one day. I would much rather have my time off in May and June! Let school dismiss for the year when it is supposed to, not later.

My heart is very heavy. Hurts terribly. Can't give any more info than that.

sunshine

Today I was sitting on the couch watching VH-1 Storytellers featuring John Mayer. He was playing his guitar and I was just chilling out. Then Mak's dog, Maddie, jumped up onto the back of the couch to look out the window. As she did, she moved the vertical blinds. When she did this with her tiny head, the blinds parted enough to allow the brightest ray of sunshine into the living room right on my face. I could feel the warmth of the ray penetrating into my pores, making me smile. It's been a long time since I felt sunshine on my face. I tilted my head back and basked in the sunshine, allowing the blinding rays into my closed eyes. It felt great. I can't wait for summer.

John 12:25

"He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

five and ten

I am being nickel and dimed to death. I seriously cannot keep any money in my checking account. Moreover, I don't even have a savings account. I am flat broke as some would say. And it is taking its toll on me mentally, physically, and spiritually. I am saying my prayers, but it is difficult to get past this right now. The enemy wants us to feel isolated, which is easy for him to do right now in my case. I do feel isolated. I am trying to trust that God has the ultimate plan for me, and I must stick to being faithful and obedient. That's hard to do, though. Sounds great when it is said, but when it is being done, it is a different story.
In brighter news, my friend is pregnant with her third child. She and her husband have been trying to have another child since 2008 with a couple of miscarriages in that time period. I am so happy for her. She is being very cautious about telling others because of the miscarriages, so I was one of the first ones to know. I'm excited for her and I hope everything will turn out alright. She deserves it. Holding a baby in your arms is one of the most precious things!
This rain is killing me. I must go out in it several times to pick up my daughers from this or that, and it is miserable. I wonder if it will all freeze tonight? A two hour delay would be wonderful!!!

Go Big Blue

Colts win!!! At first, I was very anxious watching the game. It was three to three and we were not looking that great defensively. We had a few three and outs which bothered me; it made me a little shaky. Could we really pull this off? Were we cold and rusty like the analysts said we were? Then, as usual, Manning got it in gear and pulled the offense out of the rut. We started making plays and moving the ball downfield. We scored while the Ravens did not - makes it pretty profitable. So, the Colts win their first playoff game of the season. Onto next week we go, thank goodness!
I want the Cowboys to beat the Vikings today. That would put the icing on the cake.

Snow Day

Today is our first day out of school because of snow! I have a migraine and have been battling it since yesterday. The only way to describe it is to compare it to someone hitting you in the head with a baseball bat. It kind of knocks you silly, you can't concentrate, and your head is pounding. No stopping for mom, though. I still have to clean up after everyone. Not happy about that, let me tell ya.

Thanks

I'm so thankful for my mom's sobriety.

Not Ready for This

I'm not ready to go back to school. If I could just work part time during the week, that'd be alright. I don't want to get up early. I know there have been studies stating that middle and high schoolers learn better when they sleep in. Let's run with that! Let's start at 10am! I would work later in the evening to compensate. PLEASE!!! Then, to top it off, to think that we really don't get another break until Spring Break. Wow. That's a long stretch of time. I'm dreading it.

Christmas

Christmas is over and it seems as though we can't even walk around the house because of all of the gifts that were received. And we all thought this year's Christmas would be "slimmer" in the gift area. NOT. The girls made out like bandits in the gifts department.
The girls have had a blast playing with their new Wii games. The living room TV has been taken over. They have played Mario Kart, Wii Fit Plus, Fan Favorites, and more. We had a fun time watching Cammi try and do graceful yoga on there last night around 11pm. She definitely needs balance help.
We've also watched a few movies over the past few days. My Sister's Keeper was a tear-jerker! I read the book, of course, so I knew what to expect, but it still got me. Four Christmases was pretty funny.
I am thankful I got to go to church with all of my girls and my mom, too. Krea and Nick were there as well. We took up an entire row. The music was amazing! Such a lovely service. I'm glad we were all there to experience it together.
Christmas this year was great. Now, I'm gearing up for New Year's Eve and 2010.

All I want for Christmas is her two front teeth...

and a couple pieces more. Cammi, my middle daughter, chipped several of her teeth last night during a basketball game. A girl elbowed her straight in the teeth and they must have bounced off one another because she has pieces chipped off from about four teeth. Three in front and one on the side. Now, they aren't broken off like halfway up or anything, but the damage is enough. Took her to the dentist today and the estimate is over 300 dollars. Merry Christmas to us, no? I'm thankful it isn't worse. It could have been. It was kind of gross, though. She was spitting and picking out shards of her teeth and you could see them both on her fingertip and on her shorts where she'd wipe her hand. She got right back out there and kept on playing, though. She's a machine! The dentist said he couldn't work on them while they are so sensitive and sore; he has to wait a week or so to do anything. So, she must have "shark teeth" as she puts it - rough on the edges.

Sweet 16

Today, at 2:11p.m. my oldest daughter will turn 16. She was delivered by C-section two weeks before my due date of Christmas Day. I was twenty years old when I delivered her. And I thought I knew quite a bit. I was quickly proven wrong.
Makaili was put in an oxygen "tent" made of hard plastic after her birth. This device was circular and had an opening for her neck to go under so that her entire head was under this oxygen producing dome. She swallowed much amniotic fluid in the delivery, so she had to have this oxygen to try and clear out her lungs, avoiding pneumonia. So instead of me getting to recover a bit in my own bed and having the pleasure of holding her while comfortable, I had to get up and into a wheelchair directly after surgery so that I could be wheeled down to the nursery to see her. Painful!! She was beautiful, though, like something right out of a movie. She had a full head of black hair that was shiny enough to show my reflection. She was pink and gorgeous, not a cone head or one bruise from a hard delivery since she was born via C-section. I was devastated that I could not pick her up right away. She had to stay in her tent.
Sixteen years later she is driving a car, having periods, liking boys, and struggling in Algebra II. I can't shield her from the world like I did when she was little. She must learn things on her own now. Sometimes the world can be a cruel place and it is difficult to learn that. I can only teach her to persevere and hit it head-on with gusto. My baby is only two years away from "adulthood". That is scary.
Happy Birthday, Sis. I love you.

South

I want to fly South for the winter. I want to be like birds and be able to take off whenever I feel the cold air moving in. It pains me to be in the cold weather, literally! It dampens my mood and makes me want to remain indoors in the warm air. I do NOT like warming up the car to go anywhere, and I do NOT like to wear a coat! Sure, they make some very cute coats nowadays, but I don't like the bulkiness of that extra layer. I do find now that I have lost weight I get colder easier. (I know, it only makes sense, duh...)
Since December has arrived and we have had frost, I'm ready to pack up and be a snowbird heading to Florida or even better, Mexico! I could learn Spanish rather quickly, I'm sure! Hey, I could even teach English there, couldn't I? Great plan.

Power

I finally got my prayers answered Sunday. I was able to see how I was wrong in my thinking that I posted about previous to this one. God spoke to me and showed me how I should be thinking rather than how I was thinking. All makes more sense now.

Wonder When?

I wonder when it all becomes "me, me, me" for ME? To others' advantage, though, I don't make it all about ME. Given that, others get to walk all over me. I'm quite tired of it, frankly.
Perhaps I will start being a shitty mother. Will that get me some help? Will that make others WANT to help me? Seems as though if you are a deadbeat dad or mom, someone with some sense steps in and makes the grand effort that gets your kids out of the slums. Perhaps that is what I need to strive for?
I'm praying, Lord, I'm praying. But the thoughts still invade my head. I can't get past it. Trying, but can't. I need help. I don't want to be like some other moms and dads and just let my kids be another statistic. But, that's the hard way, isn't it? The easy way is to just sit back and let someone else take over.

Demonstrative Adjectives

Not that anyone who dislikes grammar would remember from the good old school days, there are things called demonstrative pronouns that I find rather easy to grasp. One feature of the demostratives is that they can act as adjectives OR as pronouns, depending on how they are used in a sentence. I was teaching this lesson today to my middle schoolers. One caution that I tried to convey was the use of the not-uncommon "this here" and "them there". (We do live in a rural area...) Most of my students snickered. I thought they would, naturally. They snickered because they here it or say it all the time. I simply tried to reiterate that we don't need to approach our grammar lessons like we speak. Many people, I told them again, do not speak in standard English. We often hear things that may sound right, but aren't grammatically correct.
Though I don't think they got it for the long haul, we'll see on our graded homework if they at least got it for the forty-two minutes I have them. I'm crossing my fingers!

Weigh In

So, I have been trying to weigh myself at the same time daily. What I come up with is this: I am weighing in around 145-147 lbs. now. I am so thrilled! I have been working very hard at it.
I'm quite concerned about the holidays coming up, though. I don't want to cheat myself, but I don't want to compile Thanksgiving AND Christmas and put on some pounds that I've worked so hard to get off. Portion control, I know, but I'm so easily tempted. I love food!
I'll just continue to work out and add more time onto my workout if needed. That's how I'll have to look at it, I guess.
Wish me luck!

3 things

Three things I'm grateful for:
1. My independence.
2. My freedom from scrutiny.
3. God's grace.

What the heck, let's list a few more:
4. My daughters.
5. My mom's sobriety.
6. Food on the table.
7. A roof over our heads.
8. My job.
9. The beautiful fall scenery.

Pumpkin Muffins

I have this recipe for pumpkin muffins that I made a couple of months ago. My oldest daughter normally doesn't really like baked pumpkin items, except for pumpkin pie, so I didn't think she'd like these muffins. Boy, was I wrong! She has begged me to make them several times. Today I did. I just took one batch out of the oven and put the last one in. The house smells of delicious baking aromas. I love that smell.
It reminds me of my grandma.

Fall

Fall break has officially begun! Hair colored, Cam's sports physical, some cleaning, laundry, and perhaps baking something. I'm sure to accomplish something, no?

In Honor of the 36 years...

36 things I've learned:
1. Sometimes it's okay to have a piece of cake.
2. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Don't skip it.
3. As Mrs. Lane says, "They're ALL God's children."
4. Never let good friends go.
5. Recipes from The Food Network usually turn out delicious. Try one!
6. It feels good to lose weight if you need to.
7. Writing is cathartic.
8. With God, all things are possible.
9. Patience often feels difficult to come by.
10. When in doubt, pray.
11. Don't ever look back.
12. Mistakes are made so that we can learn from them, not for punishment.
13. There is happiness in the simplicities of life.
14. A hug is worth millions!
15. Live for today - not for yesterday and not for tomorrow.
16. Don't sweat the small stuff.
17. Reading is a journey.
18. Students' immaturity goes a long way.
19. It's too bad parenting doesn't come with a manual.
20. I love Target!
21. I do not like Wal-Mart.
22. Reese Cups are slices of heaven.
23. Walking and jogging are great stress relievers and are a necessary part of life.
24. Nikes are the best running shoes for me.
25. It's good to sweat sometimes.
26. Friends are a necessity for sanity.
27. The word "courage" is a loaded word.
28. Networking with other writers is awesome, and the relationships formed can last a lifetime.
29. I still want to publish a book.
30. Music is a big part of my life. It can move me.
31. I love my mom being clean and sober!
32. Never give up!
33. Our children will always be our children, even as adults.
34. The beach is calling me!
35. Smiling takes less muscle than frowning.
36. Life is good.

Happy Birthday to Me

Well, I didn't really believe I'd see thirty, but now I am a whoppping 36 years old today. I think later I'll post 36 things I've learned in my lifetime or some quirky thing like that. . .

The Hunger Games

I am currently reading a young adult novel titled The Hunger Games. This is a novel packed full of suspense and anticipation. It reads more like an adult novel than a young adult one. There is already another novel in the series in hardback which I will be ordering from my language arts class's book club. We are trying, as a whole, to read 100 books so that Peyton Manning will donate a million books to needy children. This is a competition through Scholastic Book Clubs that faces Eli and Peyton Manning off in a healthy, worthwhile competition where classes across the nation pick one side or another having needy kids be the ultimate winners. What more could you ask for? Books are an invaluable part of my life, and it is my hope that more young adults pick up the reading habit. It's a good habit to have!
Tonight I go to my Survivor Book Club meeting at the middle school where I am off to discuss a recent book I have read along with middle schoolers who have also read the book. Then, I will make a booktalk presentation to the group in hopes that some will choose to read what I have read again so we can discuss the themes, characters, and more next month. Won't you join in and catch the reading bug, too?
What good books have YOU read lately? I'm always looking to add to my list...

Upset

I'm very upset about something...
During the summer when I was taking an intense writing course, I wrote all the time AND it was good stuff. Amazing stuff. Since school started, I have not written much, and when I do, it isn't at all good. I can't seem to find my center - the place where the meat and potatoes writing comes from in me. I'm beginining to wonder what happened. Why can't I seem to get to the spot where my most emotional, raw writing comes from? I almost feel cheated somehow. It's like something has come and taken my muse away. And I want it back. I need it back. It's my lifeline.

Chicago and such

This year as my daughter's sixth grade overnight trip, the students are going to Chicago. It is an annual tradition where she attends school. Tomorrow the students begin selling candles to try and raise money toward their "expensive" trip.
My mom and dad are enjoying a vacation in sunny Myrtle Beach right now. Mom texted us today saying she was sitting listening to the ocean and that it was quite quiet and peaceful. Wish I was there!
Today we had torrential downpours here. Just a lazy day watching football and doing laundry for us. Tomorrow begins another work week.

Labor Day

Over this long weekend, I have spent much time with friends. It was a good weekend. One of the highlights of the weekend was seeing old friends that we haven't seen in months and brunch with a group of tight-knit friends this morning.
Our brunch was awesome! Everyone pitched in and brought a dish. Some of the items included the following: sausage biscuits and gravy, fresh fruit, cinammon rolls, blueberry muffins, eggs, pancakes, bacon, and hashbrown casserole. Since I am watching what I eat, I really had to curb the temptation to go all out, eating whatever I wanted. I didn't. I had small portions of most of the items. I did not eat cinammon rolls, pancakes, an entire biscuit, etc. I tried to stay with the better parts of the brunch food items. Believe me, it wasn't easy!
Last evening I made a huge pot of chili and had a big group of friends over. We played a game called "Left, right, center" most of the night. It is a really easy, fun game that gets people excited. You can't help but get a bit perturbed at giving away your chips to your neighbor! It was good to see our friends from Columbus that we haven't seen in months. We all had a great time. I was tired today.
Well, with today off we have a short work week ahead. I have survivor book club at school Tuesday night, but am looking forward to only working four days! Happy Labor Day to all.

Home

My mom is now home for good. She got back Friday night. My family went to see her on Sunday evening, and I have talked with her on the phone every day since she arrived home. I have seen her all but two days. Sunday night we had a taco dinner at mom's with my dad cooking the meal. I know!! How crazy is that?! We watched the last game of the little league world series and ate tacos. Mine was chicken taco salad; no red meat, of course. It was tasty. It felt good knowing that I didn't cave to greasy food that would leave me feeling bogged down and sick to my stomach.
Cam and I went to the doctor on Tuesday. We both have sinus infections. The doctor couldn't believe I waited twelve days before going to an appointment. Couldn't help it. Couldn't miss work. So, the antibiotics have had time to kick in and I feel much better.
Last night I went to a meeting with mom at my church. It is called Celebrate Recovery. At one point, we both were crying, naturally. It was good to get to spend time with her in that capacity. A bit of healing time. I think we'll go back again. It is really powerful when music can move you. An associate pastor at my church is just simply gifted with music talents. He has been offered some really amazing record deals, but he has declined them because it wasn't what was right for his life at the time, he said. ( I did the website's biographies for the staff of the church - inside information.) That man can move me to tears. I love to just sit and listen to him and the other members play. It can be transforming.
Off to get dinner completed!

Against the wind

We have been battling an entire household of sickness. Beyond that, the school where I teach is battling sickness as well. Tomorrow I must take off work to take both my daughter and myself to the doctor. She and I continue to have fevers. I guess that tells me we won't get over whatever we have without antibiotics. It has been over a week for me and just at a week for her.
Stay away swine flu! We don't want any part of that! You know it's bad when the principal of our school went around Friday handing out Germex hand gel for every classroom. . .

What a girl wants

I want to weigh 150 lbs. or less. My ideal weight would be 140-145. I'm not sure I'll get there, but I'm damn trying. Last night when I weighed myself, the scales dipped below 160. Now, that might be misleading because weight can fluctuate throughout the day. I could have caught myself at a good time. (You are supposed to weigh yourself the same time every day.)
So, back to the race. . .

In the pit of my stomach

I have been fine the entire summer thinking about the start of school; how I had one year of teaching yearbook class under my belt...yadda, yadda, yadda. Yesterday while working in my room, a wave of panic came over me. I don't feel prepared. I don't feel very confident in the start of another yearbook class.
In the first few weeks, there is not much to focus on during the actual class time we have for yearbook. Sure, a few people can be working on something, but not the entire class, therefore it leaves room for a few things. Boredom, acting out, idle hands and idle minds. I don't like the thought of that. I just don't. So, I bust my own chops about 'what are you going to do'? And I don't like the answers I come up with. They make me nervous. So, I am still riding this wave of insecurity and panic today. I didn't sleep well last night because of it.
I guess I'll just go with the flow.

Back at it

Well, I'm up and raring to go. Not. I am awake, including all the times I awakened during the middle of the night and looked at the clock, calculating just how little sleep I was going to get. I'll crash about 4:30pm today. The thought hit me this morning while I was putting on my perfume of just how difficult times are to come. The winter is on its way with the beginning of school. First there's football season; then comes minimal amounts of daylight. I am NOT looking forward to those mornings when I must get up, shower, get dressed, and go out to start the car so it can warm up and thaw the layer of frozen goodness off the windshield. Can't you feel the cold air already???
Today is chalked full of meetings. I hope my eyelids cooperate - I'll take two toothpicks just in case.

ONLY A FEW MORE DAYS

There are only a few more days of summer left before school resumes. Tonight will entail a dart "tournament" get together with friends. It will sort of be the close to the summer as we know it. I start back to school on Tuesday with the students starting on Thursday of next week. Yesterday I worked orientation for seventh graders for a few hours. I was seriously exhausted afterward. It'll be a looooooong week next week for me, I can tell.
Mom has her sixty days clean and sober on Monday. I am so proud of her. She'll get a new, different colored chip on Monday. She is proud of herself as well. I'm ready for her to come home. It seems like she's been gone a long time. (metaphorically she has)
I have been reading voraciously. I'm trying to cram things in before school starts. It's not working. I haven't read all the books from my summer class that were purchased by the school yet. I'm hurrying, though...

weekend visit

Mom got to come home on an overnight pass yesterday. She and dad stopped by today so we could visit with her a little while. She looks good; she says she has lost some weight. She weighs in at 104 pounds right now. She looks good, though, not a sickly 104. I went through a short conversation about how I seriously could not remember EVER weighing under 125 pounds in my lifetime. And I meant it. At my smallest (in memory) I was never small. I was a cheerleader, basketball player (some of high school), and active, yet my weight was not miniscule. I lied on my driver's license for years, stating I weighed 120. That was a total lie.
So hearing of my mother's low weight kind of threw me for a loop. Here I am struggling like I am the addict trying to overcome my demons with not being able to lose weight. Seems odd.
Dad will take mom back tonight. I'm afraid she has confided in me that she is ready to go back. That in itself is a scary statement. I understand what she means - the safety of the place, her new-found friends, her meetings and support - but that doesn't make it any less painful for me to hear (that she wants to go back).

mindless

Yesterday and the day before, my mind was a jumbled mess. It's like I have been walking around in a fog, unable to truly see well. I can put some feelers out there, but they don't help; I still feel disoriented.
To what do I owe this wonderful feeling? I began to wonder if it is a migraine coming on. I really don't think it is. Am I getting sick? I don't know. I do know that I don't like feeling this way.
Even my emotions are on overload. Well, maybe not so much on overload; maybe it is more of a numb feeling. I've felt like I wanted to be secluded, alone. I haven't really wanted to interact with people much. This, unfortunately, does not work in my life - I am constantly surrounded by others. Perhaps I need a vacation from life. Perhaps I need to get away if even for a day in solitude. How, where, and when that could happen does not show up on the radar. Not possible. So, in the present time, I'll just have to cope.
It doesn't help that I miss my mom.
I talk to her on the phone often, and she is doing very well. With her being clean and a real person again, I miss her. I want to spend time with the mom I once knew who has returned. But she is not finished with her treatment until August 27. She is also homesick, which tugs at my heartstrings.
Oh, so many emotions, so little time to sort them out. . .

Letter from Mom

I got a letter in the mail from my mom today. It was two pages of lined notebook paper front and back. It was good to read her writing, as if she was talking to me or sitting next to me perhaps drinking a cup of coffee.
(I sent her a card a week or so ago, but this is the first letter I have received from her since she's been in treatment. The girls and I have gone to see her once, whereas my dad has gone to see her several times.)
There were several interesting aspects to the letter. First, mom wrote in the letter about her excitement. I haven't seen her have excitement for anything in a very long time. She even said that on Sunday when dad came up to see her, it was as if it were their first date. That melted my heart. Secondly, there was a poem of sorts she included in there that was given to her in the program speaking of motivation called "Even Though" by Ralph Marston. This little poem was striking. I can just see her reading it and being her own cheerleader. Another thing in the letter that struck me was that she spoke of a meeting she attended where the participants had to write a condensed version of their recovery and make it so people would want to read it. Mom and the other attendees made book jackets and titles for the "books" and even had to go to the front of the room as if on Oprah or some talk show where they had to answer questions about their books as if they were bestsellers. My mom loved this, she said. The counselor even praised her repeatedly on her job well done. He told her that her book was "so deep", then proceeded to spin her around to the entire audience and tell them how he just wanted to scoop her up and for everyone to take a good look at her. She felt on top of the world! I can only imagine how she felt validated - for her writing to matter to someone. I have had that feeling a few times and there is no high like that high a person can feel if they love the written word like I do. Lastly, mom copied her goodbye letter to pain pills for me to read. As I have had time to process it and re-read it more than once, I am moved by it. It's not that it is loaded with impressive vocabulary or painted with heavy descriptive words; it is that it's raw and expressive. It brings me to tears. I'm ready to have my old mom back - the one who wrote this letter to me that I received in the mail today.

Failure to post

I had this big post yesterday that would not post, so the info was lost because I did not save a draft before trying the post.
What it said was that I am changing my eating lifestyle and my physical fitness lifestyle. Today is the first day I have not gone on a thirty minute jog/walk for over a week. My legs feel like jell-o and my head is swimming. Sinus pressure. Feel terrible. I'm sure it is from stress. Can't seem to get away from it! *So many things I want to say, but don't want to risk giving someone pleasurable reading material.

What happened to getting groceries being a luxury? What happened to several payments being behind on things? What happened to desperately needing money? You see, my dear readers, there seems to be some talking out of both sides of one's mouth going on here. And franly, people don't like that. My prayers include people who talk out of both sides of their mouths; they include people who trespass against me; and they include my own anger and the anger of others; they also include liars, fakers, cheaters.
Those prayers aren't easy ones to pray, but necessary.

Horsey

Last evening my dad treated us to a little road trip. He knew it was on my bucket list to see a live horse race. (I particularly want to go to the KY Derby one day, but a live horse race will suffice for now.) Since there were only three days left of thoroughbred horse racing at Indiana Downs, we decided to go last night. It was a great evening for outdoor activities. We had a good time despite not winning with the small bets we put down. Dad, Whitey, and I were betting for the girls since they aren't 18 yet. I'm telling you, it is NOT a science. Odds change with the drop of a hat, jockeys get hot and cold quickly, and the horses have minds of their own despite their running records. They definitely live in the moment, taking in all that is around them. Sights, sounds, movements, touch - they sense it all and will run accordingly. That is why betting is pretty much a roadspan of luck. Sometimes you run on the straight and narrow and find your way to the payoff in the end, and sometimes you can see the end, but can't get to the prize. Betting on a horse is dabbling in fate.
Some of the names of the horses were grand - Snicklebritches(winner), Watchmeshakeit (winner), My Sassy Girl, Sugar Cube a Holic, and Chaffed Lips. I think I want to get a horse just to name it something catchy and corny. (Maybe then the grass wouldn't need mowed either!) Syd said she'd name hers Grease Lightning, Rockin' Robin, Racin' Ruby, or Speed Racer. Guess where she got most of these names??? Movies.
Cammi would name hers(if it was female) Dirty Girl; if it was male, she'd name it Chimichanga. Catchy!
Maybe mine would be Weightaminute, Pristine Princess, Jabberwocky, or Romeo's Rose. I could do this all day.
*Sydney's late comment came in as follows: "Wouldn't it be sad if someone named theirs 'Glue'?"

A Do Run Run

I love the library. I am a closet librarian, I believe. When people give booktalks in any given conference I attend, my heart races at the thought of delving into a new book to read and then sharing it with someone else. Since I do love the library, I try to go there often. School is out, so I went to the local public library the other day.
At the public library, there is much to be desired by way of new books, displaying popular reads, and really selling the library's package. If I were running the show there, changes would surely be made. Anyway, that's not what I am here to talk about. I am here to speak of the book I checked out.
I checked out a Runner's World published book about beginning running. I read the first three chapters the night I got it. This got me thinking, after knowing how bad my weight is and so on, that I really need to begin some walking then running. So, today, I walked/jogged for thirty minutes. And, so it begins.

5 things I'm grateful for

1. My intelligence
2. Healthy children
3. Grace and forgiveness
4. My resurrected friendships
5. Sunshine

Sweet Nothings

There are only a few weeks of my "summer vacation" left before school starts again. Those of you keeping up with me know that since I had to take a grad class, my summer vacation just started last week. (not even a full week, as I might say) So, given those facts, my vacation is not really a vacation at all. Why not? you ask. Well, think of it like this:
If a teacher has to put off all appointments like dental, vision, etc. during the school year, she then waits for summer to come so that she can make those appointments during normal business hours like from 8-4. That means her summer vacation would be the best time to get an appointment like mentioned so that she doesn't have to take off work or take her kids out of school to do routine things. Trying to then cram all of those appts. for four people into less than three weeks is what I'm up against. Before I know it, I will be forming lesson plans for the beginning of the school year, taking up precious hours of my vacation time. So, if you are keeping track, and I think you aren't, my summer is cut down to only a couple of weeks of days off. That's not nearly enough for me. Sure, I love my job, don't get me wrong. But some nice summer days is what many teachers look forward to. When a teacher is robbed of those, it seems like she has been cheated.

My oldest daughter is driving now. She has her permit and is taking driver's ed as of this past Monday. Yesterday she drove to a town near us about fifteen miles away and then drove back as well. She did great, actually! I am and was worried. I guess it is a normal motherly reaction to your child driving?! I am paranoid about my kids being in a car accident, so it grates on my nerves to think about all of the possibilities...
I got to visit with a friend yesterday. It was quite nice. This friend has been on weight watchers and has lost forty pounds. Man, am I envious! I need to follow in the footsteps of said friend. Difficult, though.
I helped another friend move on Monday. You talk about difficult! There was a multitude of stuff to move, but we got it done. I'm glad this friend is out of the environment he was in. Yikes!

Independence

Happy Fourth of July to all!
Some people travel on the holiday weekend, some visit other cities. This fourth of July I am celebrating the nation's independence and my own! We are having a get together at our house for the holiday. Fried chicken (homemade), cheeseburgers, hot dogs, and more will be served. I am so excited for my friends, new and old, to come over to celebrate. There will be a cornhole tournament (with trophies involved)and other planned activities for all to enjoy. The fireworks that the city park does will be seen from the backyard. You can't get any better! Relaxing, unwinding, and laughing - I can't wait.

trip

I am going to see my mom in treatment today for the first time.
My girls are going with me.
My father is driving us.

Approaching

We are settling down in the approach to the homestretch for my grad class. I am so glad I have written as much as I have. I'm so glad that I have made friends to bounce ideas off of. I'm so glad I got to meet some very intelligent instructors, and I'm so glad my work is almost complete for the requirements of the class.
I'm not happy about having to be finished with the class. I'm going to miss it, to be totally honest. I won't miss the commute - one hour one way - but the other aspects I will miss.
Soon I'll post some samples of what I wrote while in the class. Soon.

Dear Addiction, Part 2

The other day I wrote a letter to my mother's addiction in my writing class. I read it to someone yesterday for the first time. The person cried. And so did I. Here is a second letter, influenced by my conversation with my mother on the phone last night...

Dear Addiction,
It seems your importance has diminished by leaps and bounds. My mother is breaking out of your cocoon you had around her. She now sees light, truth, and hope. For that, I'm thankful.
Since you don't have such power over my mother any more, she is able to backtrack over her memories, or what she has left of them. She realizes just how long you and she had your little love affair. Though she couldn't say the actual words, she was aware that you two have been together, entwined, for twenty-one years. That's a fourth of a lifetime. I'm sure you aren't happy about this new arrangement. I'm sure you are panicking and latching on to any last minute hope that you and my mother may be together again. I'm praying every day you are out of our lives forever.
Sure, it won't be easy. We'll have to help her fight you daily, perhaps even hourly. Taking one hour at a time, one day at a time, will be the strongfast hold she can have to put you at bay. I'll help her do just that. You see, last night was the first real conversation I have had with mother in so long. She sounded happy and clear-headed. She feels some independence, and it makes her giddy.
So, addiction, say goodbye. Feel endangered. Give up.
Sincerely,
Nina Shoultz
daughter of someone special

...and I said, "NO, No, NO"...

There's an Amy Winehouse song called "REhab". The lyrics referenced above were my mother's mantra for many years. She would not be happy reading this, but sometimes there are things we must write about when the muse strikes us. Now is that time.
My prescription medication addicted mother went into rehab on her own free will last Thursday. This was the same day I was to give my demo lesson in front of a class full of graduate students. Since I am in an intensive grad course, I was unable to go with my father to take my mother to her destination. I was secured in New Albany, nowhere near the northeast side of Indianapolis, so I was cut off from the day's events.
I talked to my mom on Sat. afternoon. It is the first time she has sounded human in years. An on and off addiction of twenty years has taken her away from us. It almost sounded as if she may return when I talked with her a couple of days ago. I hope so, because it has been too long. I had resigned myself to the thought process of not having a living mother. That sounds incredibly harsh and unempathetic. Folks, believe me when I tell you that the aformentioned is a coping mechanism that some resort to in the extreme cases. This was one of those cases.
When users go so far, it gets pretty unbearable for the survivors of the usage to sit back and watch. I was one of those survivors; I no longer wanted to partake in watching my mother's demise. So, I didn't. I cut myself off from her as much as I could.
I'm ready for her to come back to life.

School Days

I have one week of school under my belt. I've written many things - I've written about college, my girls, my grandmothers, The Heilman's who lived down the road from me while I was growing up, and someone's addiction. Going through many memories this week and writing about them has actually been quite exhausting. Plus, I must drive an hour one way to get to class, so that is tiring as well.
Some good friends of ours left at 4am this morning for Florida. I'm so jealous. They'll be staying on a white, sandy beach while I am here in crappy Indiana. It looks as though a trip to see my dad is out of the question. He is coming up here, though, so we'll at least get to visit with him a little bit.
I miss my teacher friends from school. The ones I ate lunch with every day are greatly missed. The laughter was much needed during the school day. Now, I miss laughing with them just out of pure fun. I've seen a few of them here and there and have gotten together with a couple of them sporadically. I need a big get together to catch up with them all!
A week from this Sunday is Father's Day! Don't forget to remember your Dads.

tomorrow, tomorrow...

I start my class tomorrow. My TWO WHOLE DAYS OFF are over.
Though it kind of seems overwhelming, it is sort of exciting at the same time. I love to write, so I think I'll like the class. I'm banking on it being cathartic.

Speechless

The show was simply amazing. Those who go see it will understand when I say you don't want it to end. It's that good.
The music is phenomenal. It is the kind of music that makes a person want to sing if they can't. I must admit, my eyes teared up several times, but for many reasons.
Let's examine them:
1. When people can sing, it brings tears to my eyes.
2. Music moves me.
3. The musical nudged my acting bug, which seems to be nudged more and more as time passes.
4. The themes in this musical impact audience members.
5. My love (and my girls') for The Wizard of Oz made me love this musical. It is sort of a prequel to The Wizard of Oz.
6. It made me think back to all of the shows I've seen in the past, either smalltown podunk shows, or grand Broadway shows. I love them all!
7. Makes me sad that I cannot afford season tickets to the Broadway series. Makes me even sadder that I can't take my girls to experience it with me if I were to go.
8. Great acting is mesmerizing to watch (and cry about).
9. Why can't I quit my job to travel and do theater reviews???
10. I cried because I could.

If anyone can get a ticket to see Wicked, either in New York City or not, then do so. You'll be ever amazed and in awe!

Wickedly Welcome

Hold onto your hats!!!

My bucket list just got smaller. . .

I am going to see Wicked on stage tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I will be leaving here shortly when my friend comes to pick me up. We will head to Indy, grab a bite to eat, and enjoy the wonderful music. There are actually quite a few people going, so we should have a jazzy time.
I'll post details at a later date.
Break a leg!!!!

Purpose Driven

I am reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren right now and finished a chapter this week about making bad relationships forgiven, no matter how far back they go. This is not to say the relationship must continue, revamp, or rekindle. This means to make amends; say your peace.
One relationship that I was nudged about while reading was the one with the recent ex husband. Given all that surrounds or surrounded things, I do not want to conjure up feelings, hurts, angers, etc. and contact him. I'm sure he reads this blog, so I'll do it here.
Gabe -
In a relationship, it takes both people to communicate, both to make mistakes, and both to take responsibility for things. I want to tell you that I know that and understand that. NO ONE is perfect. That I know, too. I am a very difficult person to live with. I accept that about myself. So, at this particular time and place, I am making peace with you. That does NOT mean I want to have any type of communication; I just want you to know I forgive both you and myself. Nothing further needs to be done or said, just know that the anger is gone. I want you to find your peace and live how you want to live, as I am doing the same.

Perhaps those interested should read the book as well.

worry

So I am sort of freaking out about my upcoming class. I know I shouldn't; there's really nothing to be afraid of. Despite telling myself that, I am frightened a bit. You see, I have to do what's called a "demo" lesson. This lesson is hands-on for the participants of the writing class. I must demonstrate a writing lesson, having the students (grad students) do whatever writing task I explain. Then, the pieces of writing are displayed for all to see. The demo lesson should be one that these teachers/students can take back and use for their classrooms. Sure, I've had writing lessons I've done before, but I don't want to do one too easy, too disconnected or not meaningful. Help me out, if you can!
I sort of want to do something like Postsecret.com, but???????
(breath deeply, breath deeply, Nina)
Why do we fear failure so much???

Long Weekend

`Thank goodness it's a long weekend.

My Granny called today and invited our whole family over for dinner on Monday night. I think other family members are going to be there as well. Sounds fun! Less than a week left before Thoroughly Modern Millie! I can't wait. I love that musical, and I can't wait to see Cammi in it. She has a great part.

Pizza night tonight. Kids are downstairs watching a movie (number 1 and 3), middle daughter is at a friend's for a while. All is good in the hood.
Our local Mexican restaurant is now back in business after a fire. Can't wait to be treated to a nice margarita there.

Tri-county Champ

My middle daughter, Cammi, is now the Tri-County Shotput Champion!!!! It was great. I am so proud.

There are eight days of school left.

I start my class on June 8.

I found out today that a trip to France is expensive and not on the radar for me - even if it is through school.

I need a part time job (a second job - isn't that sad?)

I can't wait for Cammi's musical next week.

I almost got beat up by a weird, gross, freak of a guy because I stopped to take pictures of an old truck that has sat in a field I go by daily for nine months. He did not like my explanation of why I was taking close up pics of this truck. Seriously, he confronted me, walking closer and closer as he spoke.

I want a quiet day off by myself.

I love sunshine.

Thankful

I am so thankful for all that I have. It is easy to get distracted in this crazy thing we call life - distracted from what is important and real. And today, my friends, I am grateful.
Last night I had the chance to spend the evening with some family and friends. One family member in particular, I haven't spent much time with over the last SEVERAL years. This is a person whom I practically helped raise. When my own girls were little, this "girl" (she's now a woman), was at my house almost every weekend. She was like a daughter to my husband and me. After not really having her in my life for more than five years, I am wonderfully excited that she is back in it now. Last night was great - we laughed, danced, had a great time!
Thank you God for bringing us back together! I selfishly want so much more time with her.
We have something like 12 days of school left. I look forward to the summer. Bring it on!!!!

Tu parle le Francais?

This morning, as I type, there is a sweet smelling aroma coming from the kitchen. No, my children aren't fixing me breakfast for being such a good mother. Yes, breakfast items are being prepared.
Makaili is in French class at school and from time to time, they have cooking days where each student brings in something French related. This time, on their last feast, we tried a new recipe. Creme Brulee French Toast.
The smell is powerful. We all love creme brulees, so we hope it tastes similar. They are coming out of the oven now and I can't wait to try it! (we had to fix two pans - one for school and one for us)
I'll let you know the verdict...

record

Cam threw her best at shotput and discus last night. She outthrows some of the high schoolers here. I guess they aren't very good!
She threw 31' 1" in shot and discus was around 61'.
I am so proud of her. I hope she sticks with it and continues to improve so that next year she can really make those suckers fly!

Mother May I?

I used to love that game. We neighborhood kids would play Mother May I days in a row. Simple game, but fun.
I am a mother. I have been for over fifteen years. Some days I don't really feel like I am, but others the overwhelming awareness zaps me. Many days I feel as though I am a sucky mother. Other days I feel as though I am not. I guess every mother goes through that. One thing I do know is that I do a helluva lot for my kids. And though they may not know it now, I pray they realize it when they get older. (I predict they'll understand it once they have their own children.) Sure, I am moody, bitchy, overwhelmed easily with stress, but I never stop doing for my girls.
Happy Mother's Day to all mothers, but more importantly, those who mother. You know who you are: the women that may or may not have given birth, but continue to give, sacrifice, and love despite all odds.

Rain, Mental Health Days, and Field Trips

Tomorrow a fellow teacher and I will embark on a field trip to Indy. We are taking approx. 30 (out of 125) students who earned this trip. They were to have no grade lower than a C-, have no lunch detentions, period detentions, or write-ups for three weeks prior to last Friday. Like I said, we have only 30 going. My problem with this field trip is that I have been looking forward to it, but we have been swamped with a shitload of rain today. It is suspected to continue tomorrow. So what, you may say. Well, all would be good if we weren't going to an OUTDOOR baseball game! And, and, . . . we have lawn seats. I hope and pray it clears up tonight and the sun shines a bit tomorrow.
Today was rough at school. I seriously didn't know if I could make it there all day. My morning was marked with several students sent to period detention, much pulsing of the brain and heart on my part due to anger, and outright anxiousness. I mean, my blood pressure hasn't skyrocketed like it did today for a long time. Sure, I've been "worked up" before, but today was one of those flip-the-switch-instant-red-faced-bitch moments. I could feel my ears burn. I ended up making it through, but it was questionable there for a while.
I think I will charge Mak's iPod tonight and take it for the bus ride tomorrow. I can rock out and bust some rhymes on the way there and back, zoning out for a while. Then, if it rains, I'll possibly have one of those cool songs in my head and sing for the crowd. Take me out to the ballgame!

I'd like to introduce you to...

the members of MY family (thank you to Hit 40 for this one):

Whitey
-HVAC salesman (no, it doesn't stand for "hilarious vacations" salesman)
-two years older than me
-we're actually legally divorced, but technically back together in a non-legal sense
-sports fanatic
-overtly outgoing personality
-humorist

Makaili
-15 and a half year old daughter
-has come to be familiar with getting Cs on her report card as of freshman year
-brainy, yet unwilling to use to her advantage
-artist (very good one, at that)
-can sing well, but refuses to use it publicly
-has had heart broken by a member of the male species
-has huge feet like me

Cammi
-soon to be 14 in a month - middle daughter
-named after successful female hockey player
-middle name is from male, famous hockey player
-most athletic of the girls in family
-WAY involved in everything: track, basketball, softball, and theater at once
-most helpful
-A/B student

Sydney
-eleven year old daughter
-was born while I was finishing up my college degree (returning student)
-All A student
-drama queen
-wears glasses like me
-loves to write, like me
-is sooooo not athletic
-hypersensitive
-high maintenance
-Disney Channel enthusiast
-can't stand to be away from me

Maddie
-tiny, two-pound Yorkie (Mak is "supposed" to be her mother)
-dog of the family
- loves to cuddle and sleep in blankets, near humans, or on humans
-gets her fine, thin hair matted easily
-is a pain in the butt, but we love her

and me.

Round Robin Writing

I did a round robin writing activity with my classes today. Some of my students just amaze me. They are worse than second graders. I gave each student a story starter, explained what we were doing and how the period would work. Some of them just looked at me in awe; they stated they were confused and didn't know what to do - how could they start a story from the line I gave them??? UUUUGGGGHHHH. I swear.

10 Noteworthy Events in the last 24 Hours

1. I went to church alone but felt nowhere near alone during the service.

2. I visited Versailles State Park with family and friends including having a wiffleball game.

3. I cried about something.

4. I couldn't easily get to sleep.

5. One of my students got into some serious trouble.

6. I finished a yearbook layout.

7. I showcased my yearbook class for the school board and community.

8. I talked to my dad on the phone.

9. I showed a film to try and nudge the hearts of my students to prevent unkind behaviors toward others.

10. I cleaned out one of my desk drawers at school.

The Boy in Striped Pajamas

Since my class has read the play adaptation of The Diary of Anne Frank, I thought it worthwhile for them to view the recent film about the Holocaust titled, The Boy in Striped Pajamas. We started it on Friday and will hopefully finish it up tomorrow. I just finished watching it myself and it is quite powerful. It's worth renting on DVD for the general public, not just academically. Go see for yourself and let me know if it pulls your heart strings.
Tough day for me today emotionally. Can't narrow it to just one reason. I think I've had maybe one complete conversation all day.

I'm a sucker for...

So I mentioned selling suckers for a fundraiser for my yearbook class/students. Here's how it was supposed to work: I ordered three cases (very large boxes with eight internal boxes) of assorted flavors of round suckers. These were supposed to sell for .50 cents a piece. We paid $432 for them and was supposed to make $432 in profit. For you mathematicians, that is a fifty percent profit.
I grilled these kids about not giving any freebies away, watching how they sell, keeping things straight. Long story short, we did NOT make the profit we intended to because of theft. Middle schoolers in my school strategically stole many suckers right from the table where they were being sold. I don't have the final numbers, but we made from 40-80 dollars less than what we were supposed to. That sickens me. Literally. But, what it amounts to is that my yearbook students won't have enough money to get t-shirts or what have you with the profit like they wanted to. That's really no skin off my back. It is partly their fault since I continued to coach them and warn them of the pitfalls of not selling correctly or accurately. So, tough cookies. Yes, it angers me, but to no avail. I'll end up getting my two co-editors special gifts from me for all of their hard work and the rest will get little to nothing. (may sound harsh, but these kids have stuck me with much work and responsibility with no remorse)
Funny story: a friend of mine (choir teacher) at school had a mishap today. She, on her prep, was going to return a CD to the high school choral director right up the drive from our school. She decided to go a block away to get a "slurpie" as she called it and gas. She prepaid, went to the pump, pressed necessary buttons, and the gas began to spew out at her in all directions. The pump was "set" by someone. She had a concert tonight. She needed the dress clothes she was in. She returned to school, with many turned heads and held noses. She had to change her clothes and wash the dress clothes soaked in gasoline. As of the end of school, they were on their third washing. They still smelled like gas. She was going to the high school choral director's house to shower before the show since she lives 45 minutes away. She was hilarious in telling the story with drama. I was laughing.
Seems fitting - weird week, weird happenings.

Something in the Water

In honor of Earth Day, our cafeteria must have put something in the batter for the yeast rolls or something in the water. I mean, seriously! The students were simply out of control today! I handed out period detentions, lunch detentions, and write-ups! They acted as if they'd eaten 'shrooms or something.
I, along with other colleagues, could not wait for 3:00pm to come. We waited with heightened anticipation. We emailed back and forth, we gave those raised-eyebrows looks to one another, we smirked and raised our hands in question. This was one of those days where you just want to run to your car after the bell rings for dismissal and race home to a nice, chilled glass of wine. Too bad I must pick up and drop off my daughter from event to event. No glass of wine for me, then.
Instead, I get to run to the grocery store to pick up soft taco shells and sour cream so that we can have our fiesta for dinner. Tacos, burritos, taco salads. That's what we'll be having. Did I mention said daughter has to do so in under an hour? Eating on the run. Parents of young children, get used to it if you plan on having involved kids. I understand why statistics state that students who are involved in extra-curricular activities are less likely to do drugs and get into trouble. They don't have time to!
Okay. Enough stalling. I must motor.

Shot Through the Heart, and You're to Blame

Good Monday morning to you all! (smile) I could have slept for three more hours at least!
This week is full of activities, some fun, some not so fun. Tonight, however, we have a home track meet (jr. high). I have to work long jump. Cammi is throwing shot and discus. Last Thursday, at her very first meet ever, she won the shotput throw. (Hence, the title of the post). I can't wait to see how she does tonight.
I never was into track when I was in school. I think I went to two meets. My general impression was that I stood in wonderment because it looked a bit like organized chaos - there were twenty things going on at once, with an unseen continuity that non-track people didn't understand.
I'm glad Cammi has taken this up. In the long run, I feel she can be damn good and competitive against other girls from around here. She's got the guns for it, that's for sure. She could kick my butt, truth be known.
My final test on Anne Frank is today. I'm worried the kids might not get the deeper level thinking questions. They struggle with those.
And, my yearbook class is starting sucker sales today. I'm a bit anxious about that. Money, keeping the items straight, not giving away "discounted" suckers...you know.

A Day of Writing

I attended my first day "orientation" of IUS Writing Project in New Albany today. I wrote many pages of different things, brainstormed many ideas, met new people, and was inspired by the whole thing.
I can't wait.
Hard work? Yes.
Worth it? Yes.
Will I be upset when it is over? Yes.

Hello, Dolly!

My girls and I just got back from watching a final dress rehearsal of our local high school's musical, Hello Dolly. Let me tell you, the lead was phenomenal! She has some real, innate talent. If she wanted, she could pursue a career in the field.
I hope the locals will go see it on Friday and Saturday. My friend is directing the pit orchestra for the production. She does a grand job, too.
Only one problem with the show: it gives me the fever, the bug, to be on stage myself again. (It's on that darn bucket list of mine...)
Until tomorrow...

Snakes

An odd thing happened to me last evening.
First of all, I am having a hard time sleeping due to the medication I am taking. My sleep is not REM sleep for long spurts of time. Instead, I get interrupted sleep, waking up feeling very tired. I won't stop the medication, though, because I need it. So, I stick to the grind of bad sleep.
Last night, I had a weird dream or two or three or four thousand. One was about snakes. Symbolic? Perhaps. In more ways that you know (right, Hope?). Okay. So, this dream was filled with all kinds, sizes, and strengths of snakes. They were crawling on me, over me, biting me, etc. I am scared shitless of them. I don't even like to see them on the TV screen or on a page in a magazine. They freak me out. So this dream was torture.
I also had a dream about babysitting a co-worker's newborn baby girl. I had to bathe her, change her, and take care of her under the watchful eyes of her family members. She was screaming during the bath, then fell asleep on my shoulder with a diaper on and nothing else. She had a beautiful head of hair, just like my girls did. I was anxious about taking care of her, though. As if I haven't done it a hundred times with my own kids AND others' kids. But, for some reason, this was weird to me. I didn't feel capable, not in my eyes, but in the eyes of her family and those watching. Weird, with a capital "W".
What do I make of these? Blame it on the meds? Underlying message?
I can't wait until the ten days of medicine are up!!

Losing my Religion

Sure they are song lyrics, but they are applicable. Throughout my life I have been to different churches and have experienced different avenues of faith, even worship. I am a Christian, that much is for sure. What perplexes me, though, is where I fit into the spectrum of religion.
I was baptized Catholic at a very young age. I believe I was months old. Growing up, we were Catholics. We attended Mass with my grandmother mostly, with most of the family together. My mom, her brother and sisters, etc. When my first daughter was born, she was baptized under that religion as well. I made my first communion in second grade, as the story goes. I did not, however, go through confirmation with my peers as a high schooler. Instead, as an adult, I went through the process after returning back to college with two kids. Finally, after college and at my first teaching job, which was at a Catholic school, I became a Eucharistic Minister. (basically means I served communion to church members during mass) All of my daughters were baptized Catholic.
I got divorced while working at this school and was given the Book. I was told I could not take communion any longer, was fired from my job (for being a "bad influence" on the students because I was divorced), and could no longer be a Eucharistic minister. I was, what it felt like, ex-communicated from the Catholic religion.
I moved on to becoming a Methodist. I felt welcomed, worthy, and respected. Sometimes I would have feelings of wanting to attend mass, but would then revert back to the condemnation and anger I felt. This past Christmas, for the first time in many, many years, I attended a Catholic Midnight Mass. Being in God's house felt good, but there was just something missing. I took communion, though I had been advised against it. I have never returned.
Today, for the first time since that Christmas mass, I attended church. I thought I would try something different. There is a very active church here where I live. I debated on going to a mass, even though I didn't really feel I would get much out of it. I decided against it and attended this church where many people go and speak of. One issue, I felt a bit uncomfortable because it is a Baptist church. I have attended a Baptist church before with friends while growing up. I have never attended as a church seeker, though - an adult trying to find her church home, trying to find just where she fits.
I was impressed once I let go of the jitters, the judgment, the control. Sure, the service itself was different than what I am used to, but that's not entirely a bad thing. The message was good, the atmosphere was inviting, the church was gorgeous, and the people were nice. It felt good to be where people seemed to get something out of the service, something to take away and use to live well.
This leaves me, as so many times in my life have, questioning some things. Why do we label our religious ties? Do we need to? Are they interchangable at different times in our lives? Should it matter which denomination we affiliate with as long as we are believers? Why do I feel I should remain Catholic when I have been treated so harshly and when I don't get the same feeling from a mass that I do with other services?
Sometimes, in situations like these, I feel like a lost teenager searching for her identity all over again. I don't like that feeling. It scares me.
I am thankful, on this Easter, that I went to church today and that I was able to feel the spirit of the church I attended. Am I Baptist? Catholic? Methodist? or nothing? I don't know. I'm just a believer I guess. There could be worse things. . .

Desperate

Some people become desperate when they feel they are in a situation with little to no options. Exhibit A: me.
I don't feel desperate, but I do feel like I'm in a situation with not many options. You see, I went to a doctor's appointment today that I called and made yesterday after a week's worth of suffering. (right now, at this point, a bit of guilt moves in -- I don't have a terminal illness or disease, so I feel guilty for even speaking of my small ailments in comparison) I thought I was having a bout with allergies like many people are right now. No, not the case. I have a sinus infection. I've been told by ear,nose, and throat specialists (many years ago) that I have chronic sinusitis. No shit. This past fall, after being on many rounds of antibiotics and being sick for months, I was told the same thing again by my family doctor. I agreed that, yes, I am aware that I have had issues with sinusitis in the past. Yes, we could take an aggressive antibiotic approach. Yes, I finished the medicines. Low and behold, here we are again at this juncture. Long, long ago I was told (e,n,t docs) I could either have sinus surgery (with no guarantees), or deal with it. I chose to deal with it. I have been choosing to deal with it for many years. I'm sure I'm resistant to medication now, as I was told I would be. So, I hesitate to go to the doctor to get prescriptions of antibiotics. Nonetheless, I get to a point where I don't function well -- wanting to cry from feeling like garbage, not wanting to get up and go to work feeling like shit, not having my usual appetite, whining, wanting to live in sweats and sweatshirts, ...you get the idea. Once I get to that point, I go to the doctor. Same old song and dance. No options.
Pisses me off!

Music

Since I am a yearbook adviser at the middle school where I teach, I have just a tad bit of stress to go along with the job. Now, picture this: a classroom full of antsy, social, loud, hyper teenagers who need constant movement and excitement but are not really motivated to do much of anything productive. Couple that with an intense, deadline-driven task of completing an in-depth yearbook online with many software quirks (AKA problems), and you have yourself one sad story of evil and despair. That, my friends, is what I am up against.
What happens, then, is this; I, being somewhat self-conscious of how this will make me look if the yearbook is horrible, am forced to be the motivated individual who does the MOST work on this book. Hours of slaving, worrying, sweating, planning, executing, and cringing. Then comes the anger. Mad at the kids for not giving a shit, mad at myself for not letting the damn thing flop, mad because I don't get paid enough to put in the work I am putting in on it. I then get up the next day and do it all again. How does this relate to the title, music? The "theme" of the yearbook is Panther Playlist. (as in our mascot and playlist as in iPod and music) Try to stick with that theme for all headlines and graphics. Gets difficult at times. I'm managing, though. I think?!
I hope the freakin' thing turns out well and is something at least I can be proud of. I hope.
On a lighter note -- NOT!!! -- there is a horrible story about a man from my hometown. He got shot in the head at a gas station/convenient mart here in Indiana last Saturday afternoon. He was shot by a random guy who was "distraught" over losing his job and being down on his luck. The victim is still alive. The man drove home, put his gun down on his table, told his wife he shot someone, and called 9-1-1 himself. I mean, seriously? Down on your luck so you shoot someone? Damn. Get some help. He needs locked up for good. After all, if he doesn't get love letters from his wife daily in prison, what will he do then? Eat someone alive? Puhleeeze.

Emotional

I just watched the Will Smith movie Seven Pounds. Of course, I cried. I was told I would, and I knew I would. Many reasons why, naturally, if you know anything about me. Suicide, in general, is a difficult subject for me. My maternal grandfather shot himself when I was in fifth grade. It impacted my entire life. Some say or think that I should get over it, in a nutshell, but too easy to say and not easy enough to do.
Organ donation is big for me, too, but for different reasons. From the time I could get my driver's license, I have been an organ donor. I believe in it. The "person" is the spirit, not the organs, so why bury them in the ground for them to rot away and not help a single living human being? Donate them and let someone else go on living if they need organs. (not being very eloquent here; sorry.)
Love. That's also a soft subject for me. There are many ways to love and be loved. This movie I just watched was a prime example of the many facets of love. Just watch it and see for yourself.
I also rented a couple of other movies to watch. I am going to show my kids The Passion...movie. Up to this point, I have not allowed them to see it, for violence reasons mainly. But, I think it's time.
It is so difficult raising a teenager. I'm convinced it is even moreso with a girl. There are struggles, moods, words exchanged, and more that make me an emotional wreck at times. I'm not blaming anyone, I'm just pointing out the obvious. One can only hope she is being the mother she needs to be in certain times. It's tough. Very tough.
Only a week and a half until my full day of orientation at IUS. I am excited.
Allergies killing me. 'Nuff said.

Weekend Warriors

It's the weekend, finally. This week has seemed so darn long! It must be because it was the week back from spring break. Yearbook work has been hell this week, naturally. Try, re-try. Fail, re-fail. Do it over; no new results. Change pixels, nothing. Reformat, nothing. I'm stressed.
My two younger daughters got all A's on this report card they received today. Woohoo! They are excited because they now get twenty bucks. Of course, my youngest stated she wants to go to Hot Topic to get a "Chowder" shirt. My middle daughter wants to get a baseball shirt with Twilight stuff on it. I must admit I liked the movie. I'm a sappy romantic.
I just got back from laying in the tanning bed. Go ahead, send me hatemail. I don't care. I'm going to keep doing it. It makes me feel so much better. Seriously! Once it gets warm, I won't go any longer. I'll just bake myself in the real sun. hahah
I think tomorrow night is going to be a date night for me. Not sure what we're going to do, but SOMETHING! I feel like I am surrounded by kids, either my own or other families', at all times. I need some adult time. Dancing sounds fun. Definitely dinner somewhere.
I have so many pictures that I need to get printed. I have red-eye reduction to do on them, some cropping, photoshopping, etc. It will take forever. I don't feel like doing it for hours. I do it all week at school! But, I'm going to try to work on it. Sounds like a good weekend warrior project.